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    • #49897

      So I began my journey of finally getting support from others in places like this for compulsive overleveraging in forex markets yesterday …

      The feelings and memories of it are bitter and cyclical.  I’ve gradually widdled down participation but am now faced with making harder

      shifts that quite simply feel painful.  There always seems to be a feeling an image of me feeling emotionally trapped in a dark

      room that has no doors/exits and feeling a very deep sadness there … it was from a lot of difficulty and pain that i stumbled into

      addictive behavior spread betting in financial markets … the feelings of shame/regret can feel overwhelming … the desire

      to make things right … the voice of the addiction to do it «just one more time» … «this is the last time» … but for old habits

      that voice is always a lie.  It’s never «the last time»

      My triggers include boredom, anger/frustration, and feelings of sadness.  The emotional drive behind betting/participating

      in markets feels like a deflection of these experiences … I remember going through dark times and feeling self destructive/

      self harming inclinations years ago … I remember pushing those feelings away intensely … 

      Now as I sit here typing I can’t help but feel like they’re sitting there in the dark … it’s almost like a craving to hurt myself (don’t

      worry I don’t self harm and don’t plan to) … and that craving seems to deflect itself into gambling — an equation that always leads to loss.

      I wonder to myself if this is the case for other gamblers … channeling self harm and a desire to berate/degrade their own image of self

      into a compulsion to ride the high waves of betting … will i be forced to face and deal with those inner trapped feelings when i don’t

      alleviate or vent them through making a bet?  Looks likely …

      that sad/depressed part of me seems to see life through tunnel vision of detachment … and that detachment from what i’m interested

      in gets worse after bouts of betting … the problem is that AT FIRST it stimulates me … I «ride the energy» of the high of having a big

      bet on in the markets and use it as fuel to motivate other things … a terrible coping mechanism of trying to work bad habits into something

      constructive they can never be …

      For me, that voice that says «I need to bet now!»  «I need to overleverage and get that high now!» is distorted and dimented …

      It may as well be «I feel bad about who I am and want to express negative/destructive energy toward myself … time to bet!»

      The craving hits and says «I’ll make you feel better, put that bet on!» … the short term relief/distraction from that deeper sadness

      is never worth it and always multiplies the sadness after it’s all over … numbs my senses, numbs my intuition and connection with people,

      My own thoughts become distorted rationalizations coming from the voice of the addiction … «You’re not really sure what you wanna do right?  Cut back,

      Change it?  Quit?  You don’t really know…» It’s like a vortex that wants to suck me into a position of «Yea I’m not sure i’m just ‘open’ to trying to make this work better'»

      That open endedness is dangerous, and resquaring myself back in what my real goals are «stop trading!  Not forever, just wait one more day…»

      which is to stop the use of live funds for at least X amount of time (short term periods that i reset) matters a lot.

      Anger and resentment comes to mind as something I haven’t fully realized drives so much of my desire to just «put a trade on now» …

      When i feel depressed/sad, I feel anger/indignation about the past the present the world I live in etc.  … I look at financial markets

      the business world and the world we live in and feel such deep frustration … that frustration/agitation and sadness get routed

      with that impulse to «bet now» … «make them pay»   «I’ll get them back» …

      There’s no «revenge» in that … As I notice these feelings I’m becoming more aware of what they lead to and realizing I can choose

      the impulse of action that comes from them … when I feel sad I can go outside and take a walk, listen to music, talk to a friend,

      write a song, eat something healthy, remember what I’m grateful for …

      When I get angry I can focus on my breathing, exercise, living well, and building people up …

      Negative emotions don’t have to lead to negative actions … there’s a tiny gap of time that gets closed through habit

      from feeling the same emotion and doing the action it’s wired to for expressing itself …

      I can see these destructive feelings and memories even as I type this out … I can see and feel my own resentment/frustration

      with myself and the burning impulse to cut my own image hard like when i was a kid …

      And I feel myself thinking «if these emotions can be a trigger for negative behavior, and other people experience the same feelings

      but don’t do that … can’t I change them into cues to be constructive myself?»

      Maybe every time I feel a craving, a self despondency, an anger … I can take those emotions as cues to acting constructively …

      Negative feelings –> positive response.  Maybe destructive emotions can be cues/reminders to take constructive action

      with calmness.  Let’s see.

    • #49898

      Now I expand on these feelings … I’ve shifted and moved myself into productive activities and what do I feel? Excitement! I’m really excited and feeling that feeling bright and pulsing through me. Wow!

      The feeling itself is great — what’s not great? Is that I remember how often in the past it’s feeling so excited like this that happens right before suddenly shifting my focus AWAY from the focused engagement with what felt good (healthy activities) and onto an inclination to bounce around distracted or place a bet in the markets.

      I feel these positive emotions are as much an intensity and part of me as the negative … and what’s interesting is just as I’m starting to feel them brighter and warmer something in me wants to «redirect» or shift away from what’s producing them onto something dumb like betting big in the markets …

      I’m feeling excited happy and proud of myself in this moment — and when i feel a certain amount of it something «shifts» and suddenly I wanna do something that I know will lead to pain/sadness …

      I remember as a kid pushing happier feelings away … like not trusting them in a sense … not trusting my own deeper happiness and feeling like «missing» the «sobering» sad feelings (even though there was no need for me to pursue them because there was plenty of adversity that generated them) …

      It’s like my own behavior wants to trip itself up in a loop — «feel sad? go bet to ‘feel better’ than feel worse after»
      «feel happy? go put a bet on to ‘humble’ that happiness to who you ‘really’ are»

      So it’s not just negative emotions that generate temptation to place bets or do something that is energetically destructive … it’s positive ones as well… the positive feelings start to swell and then the focus suddenly shifts from the continuity of what is genuine and good/producing them into something rotten that eats them up (usually trading).

      Am I guilty about feeling happy and enjoying myself in these activities that are actually healthy? Am I so guilty and feel so «wrong» for feeling happy like this that i have to re-route it to something that takes it away when it reaches a certain point?

      When i reach deeper into my productive passions, i feel happier and happier … I’m noticing that my brain/mind takes that happiness as a cue to «get out» of my activities that are producing it in the first place …

      Tonight I’m going to focus on letting those feelings grow and be a cue to «keep doing» the right things and stay away from what hurts me …

    • #49899

      So it’s before bed … I’ve had a great day … hit my goals of transferring my impulse to waste my feelings of happiness on something bad into doing what i really wanted to with my time … i feel happy …

      And in that happiness is again this shift and pull to do something that will bring it down before i go to sleep … it’s like celebration itself says «look life is great, why not make it ‘even better’ with a bet? What might you have missed out on while you haven’t been looking at the markets?»

      And I know those emotions and thoughts are lying … talking in a sweet tone and so «harmless» … like a monster in my head with a sweet tone when it wants to lure me close …
      how in the world does stuff like this even exist …

      It’s like my own mind telling me it’s «against the rules» that i’m happy … that i haven’t been wasteful … it’s «cheating» to be happy and just enjoy my life …

      Why in the world do I feel this way? Like I’m cheating by honestly enjoying myself and getting my things done … like it’s been «too good» for me … why does gambling talk like it’s the voice of «justice» to «level me out»?

      It’s crazy … but i know those same triggers … «get revenge» «now’s your chance you’re strong» «you can get ‘em back now» … they’re all a lie …

      I can’t get that money back … not by doing what those voices say … not by following those feelings … beckoning me back inside the dark room while i breathe freely out of it now …

      calling me «home» … those feelings of sadness and deep sorrow are back … hitting me full force right now … laying down feeling paralyzed … gambling presenting itself as the only «juice» that will allow me to move …

      But I’m not paralyzed … I can move and still do things and get ready for bed … I can do all of this myself … I don’t need that «juice» … I have it inside me even though I feel heavy sadness right now … feeling like the whole world is slipping through my fingers …

      So now i’m feeling the impulses … I can watch them … and I can take them as a cue to act positively and do constructive things and guard myself from risk … just like i did several hours earlier …

      I can repeat just what I did and restore that happiness to get deeper still …

      That’s what I’ll do now.

    • #49900

      Hi irock, i can very much relate to almost everything you have written. It’s intersting how we think of revenge with gambling. I mean it’s not a person – it’s a digital game. I know the feeling of feeling paralyzed by gambling, it’s horrid and hard to get out of. Im prone to procrastinating so with gambling even more so of course which does not get things done and then feeling bad i gambled instead of doing what i was supposed to.

      You are doing a good job, hang in there.

      Take care xxx

    • #49901

      Yes it very much is the feeling of a spider web drawing you in and a numb/»innocent» feeling going into it …

      It has made me shiver a bit at times.  Time for new post …

      Thanks for your comment  xx

    • #49902

      Not long ago I caved and opened up the market screens and felt those «bursty» feelings come back … I placed two bets (overleveraged) and felt the stress and numbness start to creep back … I closed out before anything turned into a loss and felt my own consciouness calling me not to step in further …

      My own thoughts that come from that place are stubborn and distorted … «I want to end this my way» … more layers still than even what I’ve written about … embarrassment …

      I’m stepped back away from it now … like pulling my hand off a hot stove before it burns … when i look back in the past i realize that those sinking feelings of embarrassment … guilt … self frustration … sinking and spiraling in those just sucks me back in.

      There’s always this thought of idealizing a perfect scenario in my favor to «get back just right» … not just in terms of price but in terms of time … romanticizing «the perfect time» … personalizing my own timing.

      Right now I’m taking the time to remind myself that I’m not special with this … I don’t have the magic keys … I’m remembering now what i’ve tended to do in the past when this happens that pulls me back in … beating myself up into a circle … almost like pushing myself back into meaningless actions because «what else is there» …

      Well now there are other things … I’ve had 2 amazing days up to this point and felt like my mind and body were further away from this than they have been before … I press the stop button early this time … I know I have this one foot in one foot out subconscious feeling inside … like trying to pull a foot stuck deep in the mud out of it.

      I’ve felt the first waves of my other life interests becoming «numb» again … I’m stopping and reminding myself that numbness to life interests is a lie … and the engagement with the markets with emotional interest and absorption is also a lie … risk less … get away …

      I’m going day 3 of reading through my inspirational quotes to guard myself from risk … one thing that’s improved over time is i risk less when i «fall in» to this … I still have my savings and hang onto most of them … still even improvements like this get distorted into justifications «it’s not so bad, right?» … those inner justifications are jarring.

      My inner visual focus and drive is coming back to what I really care about today … studying music, doing qi gong/health focused stuff, getting up and seeing the sun, and more …

      I feel that warmth again … I’ll let the markets stay where they are and get my whole body in motion. I’m ready to do it now.

    • #49903

      So as I interact with others and start to shed the layers of the onion inside myself … the layers of fear and paralysis … I’m starting to get into motion …

      I’m looking at what I said I would do in the past but rarely if ever did … take money won from a bet in the market and spend it on something constructive … today in my last post i screwed up by placing an overleveraged bet on at what i perceived to be a good price … I closed it while it was still in profit.

      It’s amazing how from doing this my mind grows numb and totally open to spending money on the market gain or loss but gets so tight and hesitant toward spending that money on things that have guaranteed results (for example, buy a meal, food to cook with, student loan etc.) … it’s like the addiction is spending money on uncertainty with comfort and being uncomfortable spending it on certainty …

      I feel myself frozen but right now I’m going to break out and do something constructive with my mistake … instead of holding onto this money I made I’m going to post it toward my student loan debt and thus make guaranteed returns by paying less interest/being further out of debt.

      I won’t finish this post until I’ve done this …

      Okay! Done … I feel a bit light and fluttery … I don’t think I’ve done that before … I’m so thankful for these communities … I’m watching myself take little steps that I wouldn’t have done on my own before … I waited too many years before joining …

      Every step counts … it really does …

    • #49904

      Hello IRock and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

      Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

      Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

      As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

      And on that note….

      I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

      Take care

      The Gambling Therapy Team

      PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    • #49905

      There’s definitely a sly fake optimism that permeates gambling … an optimism born of chemical addiction in the brain … it’s like a happiness that feeds a monster while simultaneously oppressing real happiness (outside gambling) …

      Right now I feel a struggle/competition between the two joys … which one of them ultimately feels better? The real happiness based in things I enjoy outside gambling … the fake happiness is like an oppressive wave in my mind and emotions pushing my real happiness away … «make room for me» …

      it’s like my mind goes competely/blank and forgets what real happiness is … so used to forgetting that and having this foggy fake happiness of «so when are you going to trade again?» bouncing in my head … such feelings of emptiness and despair underneath that fog saying to trade …

      it also seems to produce confusion and uncertainty/indecisiveness about basic things to decide … fear/dread and false excitement tug push and pull inside … my own fear of what those cravings lead to … no longer wanting to give into the fake happiness and it’s fake smile …

      gambling … a monster … a virus … a program … it feels like it shows up as so many things … sometimes i do see it as a monster in my head/imagination and it looks bigger and pushier than me … like a huge crushing weight pushing down on me … «come on come on get with the program!» …

      But I feel the evil behind that crushing weight … some times it feels like another me or a «false me» … predatory on self …
      sometimes i feel like there’s an emotional predator toward myself within me … like the language of gambling is the language of twisted self manipulation …

      I’m very honest to others but I see these lies within coming from my own mind/brain shoving themselves in my face — so pushy and aggressive … in the past i’ve felt paranoid like i’m being attacked by something … which is true — it’s an attack of a craving … understanding that deeper feels more easing …

      It seems the cravings themselves produce vivid imagery/voices some times in my imagination — extensions of a hijacked self … as i move toward the light away from them I start to reprieve …

      And I’m breathing that oxygen again now. The oxygen of knowing I don’t need it. That taste and flavor of life outside of gambling is so good … a goodness I haven’t felt in years.

      I want more of it.

    • #49906

      I hear people complain about the internet and how the information age has ruined this and that … I suppose information overload or «future shock» is something that impacts some more negatively than others.

      For me, it has been a saving grace. I’ve met some of the deepest friends in years past through it (some i met in person), discovered lots of hard to find information, and now most recently the most powerful blessing has been places like this forum/support group.

      We are living in the information age — if we blindly digest all information this is a nightmare. If we are active seekers of information we need and navigators of our digital ship, it has the potential to unlock barriers/open powerful doors.

      So I start off this post with that gratitude — many things in life are double edged, and if we don’t learn how to use them properly they’ll automatically get used against us instead. I’m all in favor of using these tools favorably.

      Anyway, this morning I woke up and I have this kind of «pause» going on in me internally where my mind is blank … my inclination was to log onto here to talk about it … because to me i pinpoint it as a craving humming at a low level silence in the background of my mind vacuuming up energy toward other thoughts/feelings.

      I find that my cravings/innermost intentions with future bets tend to hang out or «lay low» for short periods of time this way and act as internal detached/distracted states from things I really enjoy/want to engage in … one thing i see with this addiction over and over is that even when not gambling it carries itself on as if it is gambling as an energy/thought form momentum inside that demands energy and attention from other activities … that’s why even 2 days after gambling there is a residue of feeling somewhat detached/paralyzed mentally if it isn’t cleared out.

      I’ve found that since i started journaling all this internal residue/webbing/junk/fog/convoluted emotions etc. tied into cravings, after effects, and «preps» of the addiction I’m feeling much, much deeper inner spaciousness to think clearer and feel clearer as well … there is this internal joy and clarity of navigation that springs up inside me that simply feels amazing.

      I remember thinking for years of my longing to get back to who i was before experiencing trauma in my late teen years that preceded me getting into forex trading/my compulsive habits with it … but now I realize that person had all kinds of other problems/things to discover too … it was the innocence of feeling untainted by the pitfall/vortex/deep regret and shame gambling/trading has brought that my heart longed for … i can feel that longing in my heart even now … a longing to escape and be free of the spiral …

      But as someone pointed out to me, focusing on my new self is much better. My new self has lots more experience and wisdom in many other areas … and given the breathing room of stripping away from gambling urges has a lot of light to shed.

      When I read the posts on here I realize that the patterns of emotion, pull, and voices the addiction gives are largely the same … hiding and sequestering an intent to make a large bet later on in the future if i can’t do it now … holding onto that need to get even with what went wrong (this is hard for me to let go of) and the deep desire to «end on a high note» … the drive and push for me to end on a high note is very strong and it is very difficult to shake that feeling … which makes me feel fear … the strength of pushing into something with control that i don’t have control over makes me feel fear … so it’s a tug of war between a blind push forward that says «I will have this and I will have this now or soon» and a deep fear of «what will happen if this goes wrong … I already know what will happen» … the two emotions push and pull on each other and i just stare blankly in my room «on the fence» …

      I don’t have a solution for tomorrow though … I only have a solution for today … my solution for today is that i will not check prices/place any trades/bets on today. I will redirect that energy to what I really love/experience joy in underneath and beyond it.

      Today I have music to make, knowledge to explore, an outside fresh air to breathe in, healthy food to prepare, friends to talk to, things to clean up, and more … breaking down and separating me from my natural happiness in these things is the first undermining step of a craving … so today I’m reminding myself that the craving will pass and my interest in these things I love will get stronger as the day goes on.

      Everything I do outside trading matters far more than anything prices have ever done or ever will do.

      Let’s do it.

    • #49907

      As I write this, a family member had an emotional melt down. I feel the heat waves of energy passing by in the air.

      I’m reminded of two things: 1. How i’ve gambled in the past when I’ve gotten angry. 2. How much easier it is to have capacity to deal with stress when I’m not in the middle of the gambling hole.

      My emotional resilience and capacity for stress (in addition to intuition) are all skewed/much harder to work with when I gamble/trade in live forex markets. I’m finding that it’s relatively easy to stay calm around people (and focused on my tasks relatively) who get emotional when I’m outside of gambling … when my emotional energy field and heart are pulled more fully away from it …

      The emotional excitement of this is competing with (and I feel gaining, very slowly …) footing over the emotional impulse to place a huge bet to «let it out» …

      I can feel the pull and the hidden intent in the voice of the addiction: Markets open Sunday night, click bang fire all in! No thought or reflection no consideration of the risk nothing just all in. Any terms are good terms (or rather «such and such happened friday» (Non Farm Payrolls), that’s a turning point. It looks great now! Now’s a great time!)

      For the impulse and addiction, now is ALWAYS good time … it’s sweet talked up as strategy that prys and bends its way with no mercy into «just act now, highest amount». Sunday night will be a challenge for me — I already know this.

      I think holding onto the idea of becoming a proper risk manager (like the pros i idolized in starting years) i still cling to within … and it creates inner cognitive dissonance.

      I feel shame and confusion, because I know that reducing my risk is an improvement, but doesn’t address the issue of the compulsion itself. I’ve watched myself lose less and grow over time (limited loss financially/breakeven long chunks of time … still ending down and much more emotionally devastated than anything else) and the growth and improvement i have seen in how i handle risk in my daily life contributes only more curiosity cognitive dissonance … «can i handle this…» «if i pull myself away deep enough, can i stay limited…?» «is this forever?» …

      I know very few end on a high note and not many can just control/cut back to manageable levels after hitting an addiction level … I feel sadness and despair/defeat in the thought of that … there’s still the part of me that really wants to «make things right» … wants to «end it my way» … «even it out» … «it’s not over til it ends my way» … i feel anger and determination in those statements …

      Accepting the brokenness of either truly dropping risk tier to an emotionless level or quitting cold turkey is still hard to fully face/take on … coming back to a position feels like coming back to a life vest while i’m in the cold waters … but the life vest is made of thorns that inject a numbing poison in you so you don’t feel them pricking your skin or drawing blood … that’s what gambling (overleveraged trading) is …. feelings of being a nobody/insignficant/unimportant without it … unvalued without it …. heart aching for a sense of value …

      Rationally however after unwinding this I can speak a deeper truth to myself … i can feel a part of me that doesn’t even want to hear this truth … that overleveraging makes me less valuable … holding onto that illusory money makes me worth less not more … because it’s doing the wrong thing …

      Once again a reverse polarity of perception created through gambling uncovered … I am more valuable not in my state of not gambling than I am in the state of holding onto a high leveraged position. I mean more, am worth more, have more to offer, and more to to enjoy …I can say this and hear it as true. In the sea of numbness I don’t feel it yet … but I know that glimmer of me wants to. I want to feel that truth.

      I will soon.

    • #49908

      I felt a strange sleepiness and shaking in my body after that last post … after feeling the truth sink in … a sense of panic and deep fear and my body trembling … i don’t know if it was withdrawal or what …

      but def feels like nervous tension and fear and the feeling of wanting to cry out … crying out for the loss crying out to not let go … I’m feeling bad memories from the past pop in … coldness. I feel I’ve gotten used to that «detached feeling» from my years of life … the feeling of being taken over by something … and losing control and feeling an agitated struggle to wrestle with it from an altered state engineered by trauma …

      sometimes feeling trading/markets creeping on feels just like those old things that happened creeping onto me … where I was put into another state and didn’t have control over my thoughts, memories, or body as much … my cognition was blurred into haze and fog … i felt stupid to my core … the deep deep deep emotional entrenchment in those feelings of having no control/being in a daze seem to bubble up with the urge to gamble … to feel high and entrenched in having no control.

      It does feel like i have a deeper urge to plunge myself into a situation where I feel trapped/don’t have a way out and just park myself there as my life force drains out … drawn to it like a hot magnet … the feeling of being deeply attached to not having free will or control over myself is overwhelming … even before certain trauamas …

      Even as a child I felt this recognition looking at characters who were strapped/tied down being tortured or trapped … i felt this ‘i can’t breathe’ feeling and felt like i was them …

      intellectually it feels like a fake identity, but emotionally i feel this strong «that’s me» with all of it… my emotions say «oh yes, that’s me» to tied up character who can’t move. Intellectually I’ve been digging/shifting very slowly away from this over time, but that deep core that holds on is stubborn … it’s this feeling of «i know i can make my own plans and do what i want within reason, but how do i know i’m free?» …

      My heart and emotions feel like they’re slowly melting/changing into a deeper embrace of freedom and making free choices…. too slow though.

      It seems those are the very feelings I go through when i trade/gamble or feel the urge creeping on

    • #49909

      Welcome to the forum. You write very eloquently about the battle within and it makes for an interesting read. . I see gsmbling almost as a separate entity like a beast or demon. I am now 19 months gf but I still remember how progressive it all was and how I would have a voice telling me to gamble today and u will win. 80 per cent of the time it was right but a big win never stays there. It isn’t real money, just numbers on a page and it always goes back and more. It feeds the beast 7ntil there is nothing left of who we used to be. Getting in touch with our higher power whatever we believe that to be is often the turning point for addicted gamblers. It was for me. We lose ourselves and turn to the dark side, if you like when gambling, or at least the destructive side of ourselves. The world and ourselves are a mix of darkness and light. Today and every day I choose to switch the light on and surrender to my higher power.

    • #49910

      Inspiring to hear that thank you.  Yes, it does feel very much a separate entity/atler ego/some demon/etc.

      I think my higher power is connecting my spirit and mind to strong individuals who seek truth and liberation in their lives from entrapment.

      This place itself feels like a higher power to me.  🙂

    • #49911

      I had an amazing weekend … as anticipated when markets opened I checked them … I delayed and had less of a pull/push to check them. I did once again place 2 trades (no standing loss/result now) but with much less risk than in the past. I’ve shut it away and am gearing my mind back to moving away from it.

      I feel I’m moving in layers here and delaying how much time it is before i look, not checking prices at all, and pushing myself to guard my risk so when my impulse hits i’m risking less … I am 3 camps divided inside: 1. Bet huge bet often (this is the one I’m noticing the biggest reduction in over time, and boost to reduce since coming here). 2. Reduce risk and bet reasonably at good times only (the desire for this is strong and hard to shut off. I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a strong part of me that wants to strongly reduce my exposure to anything beyond reasonable risk at good times by treating all of it as gambling and pulling hard away from it/talking out my layers behind my actions. 3. Stop trading all together. In context of temporarily, this desire is strong. In context of forever, realistically it is a weaker desire than no. 2 mentioned above. My desire to reduce my risk and not make any moves that qualify as gamble moves is outpacing my desire to stop forever … maybe that’s part of getting tripped up … the word «forever» …

      I remember in 2014 being one of very few who predicted a large rally into the US dollar coming forth soon — I started leveraging big on it, at first lost one or two thousand … then i took a stake of 3,000 and ended up betting it all the way up to 50k and a peak of 104k selling the NZD/USD … I was on the right side and had made the correct prediction, but kept compulsively jumping in and out+doubting myself. I experienced extreme emotions, and never withdrew any of the money until it was brought all the way back down to where I started and a bit below. My first run up was in gold and silver in 2011 when they went into bubble phase … i bid an account up to 20k then all the way back down …back in those days I was just buying as much as possible as price moved favorably … what I do today is much less risky and less gambling but still full of compulsive pushes and pulls that are far from fully gone out of my life.

      There was always a tremendous sense of urgency/fear of missing something behind those actions … even today I feel that pushing sense of urgency … urgency is the language of gambling … a tremendous feeling of being left behind by everyone and everything and needing to have a lot of money to keep up … needing to hold a lot of it to feel like I’m even remotely on pace with any one … the irony is that in expression of gamble bets/spread betting/overtrading I end up feeling more behind, detached from, separated from, emotionally distanced from, and away from the world and those people i initially bet to keep up with.

      So that feeling of being behind others is a constant … no matter where i am or how far ahead i get with anything in my life i always have this feeling of being behind … like this person way way way behind it all in the dark … my mind moves faster than my body in terms of this (spread betting/trading) and much slower than my body in all the other areas of my life …

      I’m following through with my commitment to read inspirational quotes to guard myself against risky behavior/protect myself from risk … while I do see results I also see and feel myself feeling inferior, weaker, falling behind in my measurement of money.

      I guess that’s how I feel about myself and money in the first place … no matter how much I have I feel like I’m behind or moving like a snail … i feel envy and separation looking at others regardless of how much money they have or don’t …

      I know that I have enough and will have enough to get what I need in the future … the need feels strongest emotionally in terms of needing to feel like I’m not behind … but it’s a see saw effect … on one hand I feel behind in terms of how much money I have (or don’t have) and that I’m not keeping up … on the other hand I feel behind when I overleverage even when I win a lot because even then I feel in the back of my mind «I’m not doing this the right way — I’m behind in using the correct approach or stopping» … the see saw can be mentally poignant at times and draining … back and forth … I feel like this is one reason for pulsing in and out of trades when there is no reason to or always feeling like I’m doing something wrong whether I’m betting big, small, or not at all.

      There is an undercurrent feeling of being a massively slow person/learner/financial achiever etc. … no one I know would consider me «massively slow», but it’s how I perceive myself and feel inside … a feeling that everything about me should be better and faster than it is … so i burn and push and push on myself then get tired … burning push and deep fatigue after burn out … i’ve run that cycle many times before.

      I feel I’m disconnected from working with my body/biological material/brain, personality, and learning pace with where it is in a more harmonious manner … some times I feel like a pushy person toward myself … this has gotten better/relaxed over time … but that pushiness toward self when too far ends up spilling over and becoming an edginess with others as well. Passive aggressive expressions … and shame underneath … self aggression feeds shame … shame feeds indifference … indifference creates weaker results … weaker results feed stronger self aggression … it’s a vicious cycle of emotional states feeding each other in a loop … like a negative emotional triangle …

      I’m suspect that these combination triangles/loops are the fuel behind a lot of disorders/compulsive issues. There’s no one emotion that causes it all, nor one trigger. The triggers and emotions activate each other and start a loop of fire that spins hotter and faster and depend on each other’s activities to keep it fueling … I think in the past I’ve gotten caught up in trying to only reduce one … tonight I’ll put my mind on reducing all three at the same time … self aggression, shame, indifference. It feels like the deepest negative emotional loops tend to the ones most deeplys subconsciously lodged/dodgy and avoidant …

      That paralysis comes back and the feeling of not being able to move … once again I remind myself that the feelings of having no choice/not being able to move come from the voice of compulsion/the layers within and underneath it.

      I haven’t found a core enough desire underneath that to fully stop yet … but my desires above that to slow down/pull the plug sooner and risk less are so far being met … I realize this is a slippery slope and i’m nobody special. My emotions are mixed in a blender about it … I feel two fears … one of them is failing to achieve my financial goals, and the other is the fear of loss … these fears play tug of war with each other in jolty back and forth movements … and seem to be another undercurrent influence of moving in and out/on and off the fence of things.

      For now I recognize improvement and take heed to the dangers ahead … the past few days have been bliss like … the joy I’ve felt has been incredible. Even now that joy and strength is there inside me underneath that pile of emotional gunk I just typed up.

      It’s been a productive day, and I still have more to do tonight to fill my passions up/further pull me away from the screens.

      Once again I feel weight lifted off my chest … how did i get through all those years carrying this weight …

      Time to get to it

    • #49912

      Hi IRock,

      We all feel really special when we gamble and win- like we have some special quality above others which make us good at gambling.

      You have written you are not special but I would say indeed you are.-we all are- except we do not have a special power when it comes to gambling .

      Any insight we had into picking the right bet , what ever our choice of gambling , is soon cancelled once we cross that line into addiction as huge wins no longer get cashed out and just become the fuel to keep us in action longer .

      I hope you do find that desire to stop- many people say you need to reach rock bottom to find out but I think we just need to value ourselves and our peace of mind enough.

      Keep posting and I hope you have a great week.

    • #49913

      Thank you,

      My appetite for risk and to act is becoming delayed/widdling bit by bit as I write about this and interact with others here.  My emotions and productivity the last few days have been vibrant.

      There’s a unique «real high» of being here and stopping the big bets that feels so much deeper and meaningful than the high of the urge to bet/big wins … The numbness is still coming and going, but my emotional connection to life itself is getting deeper and more vibrant.

      I will keep writing and interacting 🙂

    • #49914

      I’m out the outskirts/have experienced greater mindspace from markets again — feels so good. The more I write about it share and interact, the freer I feel … but I can’t take it for granted that I’m out of the woods now.

      For me the urge to worry and watch with worry hits my mind before i open or do anything with screens or charts … It’s like if I’m not worried about what’s happening my mind is like «something’s wrong» … as if it’s wrong not to be worried about it or feel anxious … that worry and watching whether live or in my mind is what precedes decision making against my own best interest that pushes into compulsion … the weight and pressure to make the worry a reality …

      I’m carefree and relaxed when there is no bet (or when the risk has been removed in other words) … but it’s like that voice in my mind says «why aren’t you worrying? Why aren’t you in a situation that makes you feel anxious and concerned?» … it’s like just relaxing and letting go isn’t accepted by my subconscious … not by that voice …

      That inner drive pushes to create panic and fear in me mentally, even when risk and betting is off the table … this panicky finicky anxiety produced by having too much risk/gambling/jumping in and out is like the «comfort zone» of that voice … «ahh that’s better now I feel anxious and worried again» … it feels like not only an attachment to bet and bet again/change something for the sake of changing it, but to feed myself into a high stress high worry state … fight or flight …

      When I’m in that state I feel like I’m gasping for air even though I can breathe … I feel like I can’t breathe even though I can … it’s like I’m drowning in my mind … and if I’m not drowing then I’m drawn into something like this til I feel like I am … my breathing/chest tension with a feeling of gasping for air becomes the «target» of the compulsive actions …

      When I’m more aligned and relaxed I’m not in that fearful state or overly concerned about things … I surf it like a wave and life feels just fine … I work through things with smoothness and tension …

      The longer I stay in that state (which I’ve been experiencing more and more of from being in groups like this), the more some part of me is like «what the heck is going on this isn’t normal» — Deeper down feeling trapped and gasping for air is like the homeostasis to get back to and feeling relaxed sunny and peachy is an «odd» weird thing to avoid.

      It reminds me of when I was a kid and spoke very little … whenever I felt deeply happy feelings some cynical part of me would perceive them as strange immature or odd …
      I think I had enough repeated experiences growing up where sadness became like my «image of maturity» and i felt cold and separated from people … some part of me didn’t want to warm up to things. Part of this was a deep raw and real way I had of looking at things without sugar coating them, but another element is just plain cynicism and distrusting in those genuine feelings of deep bliss that would show up out of the pocket from time to time … I would go silent and stale and think to myself «yup this is gonna pass soon and I’ll go back to feeling low» …

      I remember staring out the window of a school building looking at sunshine trees and birds and feeling a quiet bliss and just waiting for it to pass with distrust …

      Sadness and pain always seemed to be what I was supposed to stay rooted in by my own perceptions to stay «real» … to be «pure» … it’s like I couldn’t see myself as real if I didn’t anchor into a quiet, sober, sad observing state … pain made things real … maybe it’s because that’s all I heard over and over from «up top» and wanted to connect to someone in the house always expressing that as the definition and meaning of life …

      Maybe part (i doubt all) of the urge to bet is «going back home» to an internalized perspective/emotion/voice that is stubborn and needs to break up and break free more. Like reaching for home even if home back then was full of sadness and pain.

      I’ve broken away from the cynicism in layers over the years, but noticed the feelings of it as I wrote about the urge to bet … I think each bet/gamble is like food to feed the cynical voice … «of course» «here we go again» «yea this is the way it is» …

      I know that making a deeper shift means fleshing out my emotional cynicism … it doesn’t mean being sunshine and rainbows/forced optimism … but there is this inner expectation and cynical emotional force inside me that freezes pauses and waits for defeat … I feel like that feeling is what lights up when I put on a bet/make a decision that I know will lead to my pain and suffering … it’s a feeling of «i have to lose in life» …

      I find myself wanting to dig up and shake out this part of me (who was a predominant part/huge element of my attitude as a child and teen) as time has gone on … because the deeper happier lucid clear and focused part of me loves living with passion and inspiring myself and others … it has no interest in cringing and collapsing before the pressure, but to stay steady and strong …

      I think the voice and emotions of the addiction hijack both — the dark cynical shade becomes fuel for the prophecy of betting and losing … whereas the strong persistent shade becomes twisted into strength and persistence IN MAKING MORE BETS AND BIGGER ONES instead of strength and persistence in waiting/stepping away/pushing the charts away … virtue of strength and resilience get twisted into stubbornness to fulfill a cycal prophecy …

      What would it look like if the opposite were true? What if my strength and resilience bent my cynicism into wise caution for danger instead of distrust in taking actions that are truly healthy for me? I’ve experienced pockets of this before …

      It feels much much more aligned with how I’m meant to be internally … letting my virtues bend my vices into expressions of good instead of vice versa …

      The human experience as well as addictions are truly a battle within with twists like these …

      This week I’ll look to be more sensitively aware to what type of «inner bending» is going on … there always seems to be something of the sort in those regards … if the better part of me isn’t bending the weaker/stunted part, then vice versa is the case … the momentum of one will swing or the other will … there doesn’t seem to be in between in this. Not when it comes to compulsions to bet which demands answers and actions.

    • #49915

      I’m finding that right now I’m hit with a wave of depression/sadness … I know this is a trigger to bet or think about betting so i’m choosing to write about it instead …

      Emotions come and go in waves … right now the wave is a sharp depression … I haven’t placed a bet … but just feel tired and sad … i’m remembering times when i’ve used the bet to «jolt me out» of those feelings …

      I also notice that when I feel these feelings time slows down a lot like i’m moving under water… the emotions themselves feel under water … My thoughts move super slow too …

      It’s weird because I can switch between these states of my thoughts moving very fast (sometimes too fast) and other times very slow like now.

      It’s like a feeling and mentality that is non-intuitive and disconnected from my real senses about things … expecting failure and disappointment from engaging my normal life things that I enjoy. A sudden shift of expectation, even though I know it isn’t true.

      Likewise the shift includes the idea of relief if i place a bet. If i were to perceive it as the voice of the addiction, it would be my emotions leveraging negative feelings up higher to convince myself to give myself something i want that isn’t good for me or to skip over my own interest/passions and work. The voice of this depression feels dishonest

      It feels dishonest because it feels it just wants to present itself to me to leverage certain behaviors of satisfying a craving … just another twist created by the addiction/craving.

      «I’m sad and I won’t be happy until what I want is met»
      «I can’t do it»

      It feels like the inner voice of a child whining to a parent — but it’s me whining to myself to disengage from caring about what I know I need to care about so i can get distracted/fall into something destructive like placing a spread bet (or staring at prices of different markets like pieces of candy in a candy shop … ). It’s like a child’s mind that wants everything now and demands it now …

      This to me is just an example of the language of the compulsion leveraging negative feelings to trigger the feedback loop of the destructive hole. Looking for something negative to grab onto and make bigger to create rationalization for indifferent behavior.

      I always feel a deep joy come back to me when I write this all out and take time to encourage someone else. I’m feeling it return again now, and am going to follow through with «spiralling» this good feeling and motivation instead.

    • #49916

      I feel I write a lot … oh well …

      This morning I woke up with a feeling of certainty in negative expectation about things in my life I’m working on … like a disconnect … it feels artificial …

      I don’t know why but some part of me inside is interpreting my success and drive as certainty that I’ll fail. I feel quite strange. I haven’t added any new bets/been away from the markets mostly– pushing myself not to think about or check prices. I get this strange feeling in my hands like a hot energy that feels stirred up about this.

      The change that’s happening last few days (which feels good) just feels THAT wrong to some part of me … The more I disconnect myself from risk and betting the more these layers of emotion and past and thought bubble up like boiling water on a stove …

      People describe gambling as a madness — it certainly feels has felt and looks like that in every stage … to me it feels like an inner madness to feel this much emotional resistance to getting out of positions of entrapment and letting my currents of connection and happiness emerge …

      It feels hard to tap into or really talk about it … seems like the madness of the language of the attachment layering back and forth with sadness … the voice of the urge definitely feels like the voice of madness …

      People have described it as two separate entities — one the real you and the other the addiction … that’s exactly what I feel and see in my imagination right now … I feel me simple straightforward and direct … and I feel this «other» as someone twisted and hungry to bend and twist things for a high …

      Shame … that’s the word I was trying to think of earlier … interplay sandwich of madness and shame … I feel like the voice of the madness hides feelings of deeper shame … and possibly vice versa as well… they feel like they hide each other.

      Shame hides madness of addiction/attachment feelings … and madness of attachment hides the shame … like those two feelings feel like they’re oscillating in a feedback loop …

      The confidence and intentions of the madness (the voice that tells me something’s terribly wrong if I don’t make some kind of market move «now») feel soaked in confusion and self destruction … gambling feels like the digital equivalent of self harm or cutting.

      I wonder if anyone else has ever felt that … I haven’t self harmed or thought about in years (not since late teen years — even then it was more of a strong thought/feeling than something i followed through with much) … but that does feel like part of the feelings under the surface that trigger an urge to bet …

      I went through a lot of crazy stuff in a short period of time after turning 18 and felt like i had to push all those feelings down deep … I was intent on survival at that time and the motive was to deny feelings of self harm to keep myself out of the hands of destructive people who would harm me further if I told them about it. I didn’t feel safe.

      Fast forward 10 years later and I’m here wondering to myself if this is another emotion that the addiction drew from in the early stages … it seems like CG feeds on different wavelengths of emotional and thought triggers and spreads itself like roots of a plant or tree deeper into consciousness … burying the root triggers behind the urges and fogging them up …

      The two definitely feel hand in hand though as I write this … I have no intention to actually do (and haven’t taken any physical action toward in years) any form of self harm, but it feels like a deeply buried emotion about knives cutting that triggers an urge to bet … it feels scary to even say or share that. Back then I was around dangerous people who would hurt me worse if that knowledge was shared.

      But it does feel like an urge to hurt myself pulsing there … with words, with feelings, with facial expressions, with imagination, etc. … a drive and emotional yearning for a slice of pain to «feel alive» or whatever … the urge to check prices feels like a translated digital emotional urge to hurt my own spirit and feelings … to step on myself …

      These memories and feelings are quite unpleasant and i feel embarrassed in them … embarrassed that they are still there … I guess I forgot who I was as a kid … so many intense negative emotions pulsed and pushed toward the person I saw in the mirror …

      Do gambler’s hate themselves so much because they bet? Or do they bet because they hate themselves? Feels like a catch 22 that probably started with the latter … but feeds itself like a vicious dark whirlwind …

      Self hate feeds the urge to bet … the urge to bet feeds self hate/shame … even just feeling the urges feels shameful …
      I thought «I’ve already written about this and feel better» — which I have. I keep feeling this oxygen I’m reaching for, but am breaking into deeper layers of the roots of this thing as I go on …

      It does feel like a hunger that won’t be satisfied til I feel pain inside … an urge for my own pain and disappointment … an urge to let myself down … so strong. Too strong. And an urge to feel greater discomfort in staying clean and acting in my own best interest … «I must make myself fail» … filtering my surroundings and everything I see through the eyes of looking for resources that will create my own failure/downfall …

      Only thing I can think of is feeding this emotional urge into my drive to succeed/guard myself against risk and harm … the urge to feel hurt and pain triggering and shifting into connected action of acting in my own best interest.

      I know I repeat a lot … I feel shame in that repetition… like I shouldn’t be writing about all this … shouldn’t be digging deeper … that it’s boring that no one cares and that i most certainly should not care …

      These emotional waves are intense … I’ll keep going through the layers but for now will let what I’m feeling serve as a cue for me to give positive self expression in my day today.


    • #49917

      I was reading through your posts and I surely get the polarization of the good vs. self destructive.  I’m thinking the qi gong is great in that respect and others.  Integration, healing, centering, circulating energy, gathering energy, replenishing, transforming  and radiating outwards from the core with love.  It’s a completely different diagram or paradigm than polarised linear thinking ie. good bad, acheivement, inertia etc. etc. light , dark.  hmmm.  ?  What do you think/ feel?  I appreciate your sharing very much. Reiki and some qi gong and yoga work this way for me. I look for support and resources.  I write. I feel.  I suffer too and I try to let go and let  ‘god’ or higher power/  like the qi gong light energy, help me in ways that words can not really express.   It’s not easy but it’s worth it, right?   odaat bonnie 

    • #49918

      Thanks for your great comments.  Yes it’s all about getting the body and spirit in motion … I think multiple angles of approach is excellent and the way to go …

      The spiritual side of my journey is radically different/dives into quite deep stuff including the very nature of the universe and what is outside it … too much for most to handle right now.

      That being said I think you have a good grasp of using real love energy and testing the truth with your heart.  You’re an intuitive person, bonnie?  You ‘feel’ the truth or falsehood of things in the undercurrent of the unconscious?

      Thanks again for sharing your message.  This forum is awesome.  Stay gamble free!  : )

    • #49919

      I think depression has a natural tendency to want to disappear from being seen and hide itself … I see this in me when i suddenly start losing motivation/momentum with what I’m doing … i feel numb, but when i feel deeper it’s that achy depression feeling hiding itself … hiding and trying to steer things from behind the scenes.

      It seems to manifest as a sudden wave of fatigue and sometimes it hits me hard and heavy in a matter of a moment and I’m like «what happened? I was just full of energy and gusto to push on for a few hours?»

      I feel my deepest feelings of sadness tend to try to bend things from behind the scenes of my mind … like a black tree spreading its roots … there’s a very fine line between giving voice to an emotion and letting it expand itself to take over other emotions and be predominant …

      It’s like my emotions come and go in waves and have different voices … right now I’m feeling a voice deeper inside that’s guiding me to waste time/move into a stand still depressed state … I think this is definitely a case of turning me into food for emotions of sadness and regret.

      I can acknowledge those feelings now, but also acknowledge there is no point in me feeding them and can just let them rest where they are … there’s a fine line between therapeutic release and reinforcing/drawing attention to dark emotions to make them grow and take things over …

      It would benefit all of us to know when we are letting our negative feelings actually get therapied/freed and when it is a «false release» that is in fact just feeding the emotion more of itself to swell and grow against out own best interest …

      There should be clearer ways of knowing this … maybe my understanding will deepen in the future. For now I’ll aim not to feed those feelings and move my mind and body into finishing the activities I need to before bed. The sadness is here — let it be a trigger of fuel for me to express calmness.

      Maybe each negative emotion has a positive state that it’s most closely associated with «flipping» into … Anger and passion … sadness and calmness … jealousy and motivation … cynicism and wise caution …

      Move the channels into better places …

    • #49920

      For me what I’m dealing with urge wise today is an urge to trigger … the urge to bet is held back but the urge to stare at prices … that’s a different ball game …

      I can recall where this always leads … staring at those prices fluctuate randomly all in itself becomes an addiction … even bet isn’t placed … but it eventually leads to a bet …

      they’re in fact totally boring to look at that but the compulsion and craving is to peak at look at them anyway … it kills my awareness of other things … i’m itching to step in and snoop around and just hop from market to market looking at prices … it’s moving prices that hook me … not ones that aren’t moving … it’s not price but the random changes in price that hook my brain … my eyes … my feelings … an obsessive need for it to be fluctuating and feel random/unexpected … I seem to want to close down my awareness for this in my emotions today …

      «I could have done this and that» I know I’ve often thought to myself … «I could have taken that trade and that one and that one» … like piles of regret for everything I missed! It’s so strange because it’s like regretting not knowing and benefitting from exact knowledge of the future (which no one has) … what a strange thing to burden myself with and feel weighed down by … not knowing what the outcome is the vast majority of the time …

      Internalized remorse and shame for not taking more random trades is false shame … a heavy energy that feels like a sickness … I feel falsely ashamed for not being far beyond human … because there’s something twisted irrational and a bit grandiose about the expectations that spin out for winning … being immersed in this world stretching back into the past has reinforced the insane notion of being all greatness or all nothing … a prodigy/always on or very low and depressed … the voice of the cravings seem to spur that type of thinking and feelings toward myself … «I’m everything or I’m nothing» …

      Those urges do seem tied to the voice of the «persona» of the addiction … which I perceive as a madman to be honest … the spirit of gambling is the spirit of a madman … who thinks he’s invincible and has every intention of guaranteed destruction … It’s like creating total control and certainty through guaranteeing loss …

      There is a deeper feeling of immediate control in the ability to create and guarantee loss … it is much easier to guarantee loss than it is to guarantee gain in life …

      I do feel there is part of me that resonates with that deep desire to feel in control … and that guaranteeing my loss guarantees a feeling of control … so the twisted thing is there is this perception of control of a fowl kind that spins out from this obsession that spins out of control …

      The addiction feels like the voice of anger, pushiness, control, impatience, controlling, and detached …

      It’s like that «persona» gets thrills and kicks out of the control of guaranteeing loss … and stepping into situations with guaranteed loss … it’s a thrill of watching me suffer and the thrill of being in total control of it … or suggesting it has total control … of taking control away from me/my other interests …

      The control of the voice of this addiction to force me into loss and push those feelings of enjoying losing/feeling pain … going numb to everything … it is slipping.

      It can feel dark and scary to share the depths of distortion that this monster really is, but it’s a deep dive into truth itself … and enormously therapeutic …

      Stealing control and energy of engagement and emotional connection to people and places I care about more … let’s dig deep and watch that slip …

      There are smiles of real joy underneath that madness … and life is getting better one day at a time.

    • #49921

      I hear you, when you talk about wanting to be in control. That’s an illusion. The reality of compulsive gambling is…. I am powerless over gambling. Gazing at market prices, horse racing, slot machine images, even mentally, is out of bounds for a CG. Given time, opportunity and access our thoughts become words, our words, deeds, our deeds habits and on it goes until our lives are once more unmanageable. «Recovery» is grounded in a changed mindset.Awareness of what our poison will do if we indulge. Dwelling on what we saw as «fun» in the past leads to destruction and self deception. Self destruction becomes a way of life and we eventually believe this is all we deserve.

      Change your thoughts and your actions will follow.

      Interesting thread!

    • #49922

      Thank you for your feedback 🙂

      I’m feelin like a physiological change in my body right now … a slow shift … 

      Feels like my heart goes through panic and anxiety initially when it is separated

      from this … at least that’s what I’m feeling now … old toxic energy dumping out …

      More authentic energy coming in/emerging to fill the gap.  Little by little.

      Day at a time.

    • #49923

      My feelings and sensations of a deeper underlying sorrow in my heart … are growing recently. Kinda intense.

      The feelings are intense and their numbing medicine isn’t been used … I feel like my heart wants to cry deeply … to push the great darkness away …

      Can’t believe I’ve spent all these years with these feelings tucked down alone inside … stuffed away … seeped into the deepest part of heart body and brain …

      And now it’s slowly starting to ooze out … the memories ache quite deep … but the depth of awe and inspiration from seeing how far things have come since the beginning …

      I feel like my heart wants to cry but my eyes are stopped up … intense sadness … and deeper spaciousness pouring through … It’s like watching a demon leave my heart and stepping away from it …

      That «I absolutely must have this trade» feeling that covered that darkness up … whew … i don’t even know what to say …

      Emotional spikes high and low outside of gambling feel more vibrant but more directly connected to the world and people around me …

      Feels like a place beyond words …

    • #49924

      It feels like each day I feel this sadness kind of deeper … too deep to be frank. It feels so unhelpful …

      I’ve been feeling aching feelings of wanting to get out of it … and it just hits me deeper … nothing particularly tragic is happening … but those feelings of darkness and slow moving thoughts and body are just so intense now …

      I feel like I’m moving underwater or in a tank full of a thick oily substance in my emotional energy field … it’s an un-numbed thing … life feels superficial and untrustworthy …

      I feel anger too … this feelings are cuing me to bet … and once again I feel the need to do the same thing and re-do what I do in response to the feelings … I feel irate/sour about old losses and just total negative expectancy about the future …

      It’s definitely a case where «pausing to address» the feelings feels like feeding a monster that wants to take me somewhere worse … there’s always a context, and in this case the context def seems to be emotions feeding themselves through inaction/random jumping around in memories trying to solve them.

      I think what I’m feeling is a breakdown from my connection with the idea of routine … stopping every day means stopping every day … working every day means working every day … i have this deep irritation/resistance from truly making that every day … most of the time sure why not… but to the every day commitment I feel my own resentment and spite …

      There are two forms of these emotions … ones that require a pause to stop and address before continuing, and ones that use pauses to dig deeper and spread themselves more into my being … in this case I feel it’s the latter and it’s best to just use this entry as a springboard to get out of my head and on with my day.

    • #49925


      So to update, in spite of some really deep struggling emotions I’ve felt during this sort of «withdrawal» from just diving into markets placing on highest bets … what I’ve been doing here and writing about has been working.

      I’m reading quotes every day that remind me about the importance of risk management/not being compulsive with money. I’ve articulated a desire to end all forms of gambling — as well as being split between ending trading all together or turning it into what a small % do; a risk controlled approach that removes their impulses to do something that is gambling as an option. Gambling defined as random action random outcome; compulsive.

      I’m exploring both, and benefitting from both. I’m feeling psychologically less endangered and my decision making with my money is more productive and conservative. I took another slice from my trade earlier this week and put it toward my student loans — I’ve been shifting my focus away from the «infinite building» mentality with markets and into the desire to get out of debt (no credit card debt now — just student loan).

      I’ve also had days where I’ve had no involvement with markets and have logged onto here to journal about the cravings to get away from them/the intense emotions felt. These days have been joyous, while carrying with them a somber undertone of the withdrawal of not compulsively going to look at randomly fluctuating prices or making decisions based on randomness and the addictive thrill gambling creates.

      Do I feel sure of which approach is right for me? Not yet. I’m fully aware that for most compulsive gamblers, total abstinence is required. For now my focus is on turning each of my situations into non-random/gamble based ones where it’s up in the air what could happen and embrace the emotional connection to stability … as i see myself taking these actions I’m feeling deeper connection and safety inside my being.

      There’s plenty more work to do and discover. For now, writing deeply about and getting out of that deep deep spiderweb of fear/depression/insanity paralysis that precedes and activates a desire to gamble is enormously relieving … I’m incredibly grateful to everyone here.

      Let’s continue to write and make every day gamble free!

    • #49926

      It’s been a very successful week … I went through some intense phases of emotions/sorrow that hit me pretty hard midweek.

      Now the results of not giving into place an oversized-hang-myself-bet in the markets show their fruit. I’m stable and so are my finances. I’m taking every time I get a craving as a chance to write about it or talk to someone. Encouraging and helping others helps too.

      It takes a certain level of self honesty for those of us who even survived this horrible thing called gambling to find each other … a level of self honesty and inner strength to even make it that far is powerful.

      Gambling is one evil nasty monster, and we’re defeating it together. I feel so much integrity and value in the collective energy that stands against it. I’m so grateful for all of you. Sincerely.

    • #49927

      Surprisingly, I’m losing my urge to look at market prices/gamble by chance … the cravings for that feel much weaker (however that could just be this part of the «cycle»). The improvement is noticeable … I’m still reading my quotes everyday about the importance of guarding myself from risky things …

      In this post what comes to mind are these feelings and states of being that are still in me that are a bit messy — the content underneath the cravings. I’ve been writing about how emotional pulls are some times messages to look at something, sometimes some feeling that needs to be released, and some times a negative emotion that’s building itself …

      For now I’m reflecting at the types of emotional states that are like addictions/become that way … because certain ones for me seem to be «constant» or want to present themselves that way whereas others come and go … this makes me identify it more as an addictive state than a passing feeling.

      For me this would be depression … I don’t think people even view depression as some times being an addiction in itself, but I think it’s entirely possible and everyone knows there is a difference between someone who is depressed and wants to heal and better themselves and someone who is depressed and leverages it to get attention/does not remedy the source of their depression …

      For the latter I’ve been exposed to such people (and I was also raised by one) … which is why I think it’s valuable to take a look at these depressive feelings (which have been big catalysts for gambling urges in the markets in the past) and see what it’s like to see them that way …

      The thoughts and feelings of the depression are «certain defeat» … and fear … for me it’s like this fear I had when I was a kid of losing those feelings of deep sadness … like I would be «fake» if I lost them … if I let them go … so there was always this desire to hold deeper sadness/the ability to access the state in as something remembered … i don’t think i did the same thing with happiness/joy … but viewed that as a threat to the deep feeling sadness I was experiencing/holding in …

      There’s definitely a part of me that’s sick of this though … I don’t have to define the experience of others, but I know for myself the deeper internal state of defending darkness and hopelessness is a bit of an addiction and creates self fulfillin prophecies in what it manifests … i believe gambling/random trades in the markets has been a reflection of fulfilling this «foresight» of «knowing» things end with sadness and defeat …

      In that place life itself feels heavily defined that way … but when I look at it honestly the depression feelings are always the same and saying the same thing … they’re a big coloration that come from fear and indulgence … those slow moving dark thoughts of not being able to achieve what I want today start to spin and work their way like a spiral within and the feeling of things slipping out of my hand comes true …

      I think when you experience loss and the sensation of things being stripped out of your hands enough, you can become addicted to the expectation of that, and in my case i think part of that is in play … there are things externally in life we can’t control when they are lost … but there are things we can control from within. My trouble with myself is seeing this emotional attitude that these elements I have control over can’t or won’t influence my future …

      The depression feels like a disconnect from recognizing and sensing cause and effect … it feels like hiding from cause and effect and not knowing it. Pronouncing no correlation/recognition of cause (my actions/taking action on what I have power to take action on) and effect (how I feel about myself and life as result of my choices). It’s like a layer of denial (and I’ve definitely seen this denial more pronounced in others I’ve been close with) of what brings happiness …

      I know there is at least some truth in this idea of recognizing the emotions that go into addictions like gambling as being addictive triggers themselves … after all if an emotion is serving an addiction (i.e. the weakness of depression or chaos of deep anger), then part of that addiction will be to hold on to that emotion … I do feel that’s part of it …

      I’m not craving bets right now, but I’m craving sadness/to feel sad … I feel this craving is an indirect craving to what bets later could lead from it … because a disempowered state is usually the precursor to placing bets/making random adjustments in my life that don’t serve my best interest.

      I think I’ll start trying to notice cravings for triggers and trigger states mroe on this journey … because I want to be thorough. I don’t and cannot assume just because I’ve had a good first week I’ve figured it all out and things are rosy. I want to be thorough with myself and explore the depth of a truly recovered lifestyle.

    • #49928

      So the material of my last entry seems to have some validity…

      I woke up today feeling kind of blue, after reflecting and writing out my journal entry … i realized that at least part of it was indeed just an going addiction the state of being «blue» (or sad)

      I realize it makes sense, because of all my time practicing calmness and relaxation over time, it’s understood that anger and tension are states that get wired in and eventually addicted to when they aren’t overcome over time with other practices …

      So I now realize that my deeper emotional state is comprised of deeper «residual» consciousness (i.e. the deepest emotions i’m preserving and attached or addicted to) and the passing feelings that come and go.

      I practiced music for 5 hours instead of trying to «therapy» my depression … I recognized the thoughts and feelings of the depression as tempting substances and didn’t touch or pick them up … when i did this i realized i had the space to take action on what would contribute to my own deeper happiness today and long term (practicing music) …

      Because gambling is such a hollowed out and empty experience … it seems these residual emotions could both have preceded the addiction as well as been intesified or become residual through it … maybe gambling is part of an experience of getting addicted to feeling empty or hollow inside … or at the least reinforces those feelings …

      There is a feeling of emptiness craving to be filled by gambling… gambling which is just another form of emptiness fills emptiness with emptiness and makes the new emptiness deeper … feeding the cycle of craving it in the first place …

      I don’t think it’s a big jump in conclusion to say emotional wiring and addiction to sadness and emptiness go hand in hand with addiction to gambling … pity anger sadness passivity emptiness … I think gambling takes these emotions and leverages them deep inside us to make them more intense ….

      Cravings for price action still quite low/meek. I’ll come back here to write and interact when more thoughts hit or craving does.


    • #49929

      Back here to document my emotions/inklings.

      No cravings/urges all weekend — no price action staring or urge to bet.

      I finally opened up and did peak at prices though — and I’m reminded of something the urge to gamble does … namely create hesitation in the face of certainty and boldness in the face of uncertainty …

      aka there is a generation of hesitation/remorse/holding back at certain outcomes where the risk is known and the reward is too (for example, going to work to earn money) … I feel I see this with my approach to my business with music and spirituality … instead of embracing certainty with actions that lead to results, there is a tendency to want to hang out … to feel shy and sheepish about jumping into action when I know the risk is contained and it’s safe to take action for results. Strange? Strange.

      The very nature itself is to make numbers in my head (even when not betting or eve thinking about betting) feel like random swimming objects that are hard to grasp … that’s probably the effect of addictive behavior with numbers over the years …

      Things are going great … but I did want to check in to write about this urge to hesitate on certainty … I think it’s just remnants of the pull to go back into randomness and uncertainty/turn this into a betting game again. Wanting to «slip back» into betting big … small/normal life risks don’t produce huge rushes and thrills/rush of chemicals to the brain … so hesitation/numbness and indifference to them seems more like old appetite in play.

      It’s normal to fluidly go through normal life risks and embrace them though … that’s where I’ll steer my focus now.

      … gambling has a way of talking to me like «hey wanna play again and have fun?» … every pore of my being is repulsed with it … it’s like a sociopath crazy killer asking if you want to dance.

      No thanks

    • #49930

      Right now I’m making the decision to write about my cravings to trigger … something i’ve touched on before. I have cravings for the feeling of emptiness/feeling empty inside again … cravings for sadness emptiness and depression … it’s like an urge …

      As I experiment and reflect with what I write about here, I’m suspect that this is simply indeed that form of residual emotional undercurrent that is a hardwired craving for its «homeostasis» … it is a craving to feel sad like an addiction … sadness and emptiness are the states that precede and fuel the necessity of gambling … so as I shut off the craving to gamble/be excited by gambling I feel the temptation to again spend my time and feelings invested in what makes me feel empty … isolation separation loss for words weak fragile spiraling etc.

      My mind tends to loop itself back there — to that state I’m afraid of losing … ironic. Afraid of losing a state that leads to loss and is loss itself! Terribly ironic.

      Along with it are feelings of embarrassment/humiliation … these feelings seem to be bubbling up as I stay away from spread bets that are gambles … that embarrassment almost has away of proclaiming itself as who I am … I feel in these moments that I am the embarrassment … which feeds sadness … feeling sad feels embarrassing which feeds it back … etc. the observation about negative emotions clumping together and feeding each other in a loop seems highly accurate … This particular loop seems to be embarrassment–> sadness –> guilt.

      The embarrassment feels rooted in not having control over a present situation/things from the past … and there is no doubt a parallel in this and how I have felt when I gambled … like validating this feeling of embarrassment+no control … it’s like i feel ashamed about not having control over things I don’t have control over in the first place … and subconsciously step into situations and perspectives that feel like I don’t have any control … it’s a «pull» … to look through that lens and see my situation and life that way …

      Perspectives and emotional states are addictions indeed … perhaps the addictions that precede or give most the power to physical addictions …

      I’ll be writing more about my addictive emotional and perspective states as part of the liberation of their link to gambling itself.

    • #49931

      Right now I’m getting a craving to «chance it» … to be paralyzed at a key junction point in markets again … so I’m hopping on here to touch base couple peeps and write about it …

      Things are going well, but I’m feeling an indecision and paralysis about mitigating risk … it’s that same pie in the sky thinking of wanting to hold out for a jackpot or things going «all positive» — the thing that happens 1% of the time … doesn’t make sense.

      Right now I have the power to ensure certainty and remove uncertainty from my progress in gaining my life and financial personal capital/protecting it … the wise thing is to keep this flow going this way. My mind tends to want to drift back into uncertainty, hope, and all sunshine … I’m clinging to this and have a fear of missing out … a tremendous rushing fear of missing out … gambling always paints an immediate jackpot forthcoming and to stay high spun on it … black and white …

      It feels like need and urge and must have … so I’m breathing slow and stepping back again. Once again I’m where I need to be — reminding myself to deal with risk first, not reward.

      Today I’ll walk forward with that decision to choose risk protection first over reward — if I miss out, oh well. I won’t miss out on my life, and I’ll pay down some more student loan debt 🙂

      I really have to make myself do it, because the urge to spend that money on a toss of a coin point in time is strong … this will be my 3rd time making a decision to pay down current debt faster instead of do something stupid/risky in the markets. My personal emotional capital will regenerate too. This feels tough to do … I feel myself fighting it … complaining …

      I’ll post this post after I actually make the payment so I know I’m on top of it ……….

      Okay ….. done! Safest decision made, guaranteed money saved long term by paying toward student loan debt instead with trading money. No overleveraging. Time to enjoy the day.

    • #49932

      Have a craving — so I’m writing. Things are going really well, so this is likely a euphoria/happy craving («Life is going great — why not make it better by adding a bet???»). Blind euphoria (or natural hubris perhaps that brain gets hooked on).

      I remember in the past sometimes feeling feelings of «I’m tough enough to hold out through this» and my ego/endurance of pain would kick in … this whole idea of «i’m tough enough» to gamble … so foolish. Yet worth divulging because it is an emotional trigger I haven’t written about yet.

      Part of wants to be a hero in this fallen world … and enduring pain and loss or the idea of striving as a hero gets twisted up in a gambling urge … it becomes drained into it … so instead of enduring through the urges and being a hero by not gambling, i would go so far to get hooked into large gains or losses and be «plowing» or heroing/»forcing» my way through conditions I shouldn’t have been. Not letting go until I felt forced to or sheer exhaustion

      Persistence and courage are beautiful things … when applied to write contexts. I think addictions have a tendency of taking otherwise virtuous parts of us and twisting them into getting drained into wasteful things …

      As usual I feel hesitation … cravings tend to drain away a need to spend money or to save/tuck it away else where … the temptation is to keep holding on … yet so much hesitation created in simply buying something else/doing something nicer with the money …

      I’m getting used to moving and re-routing the urge to flip the money onto a bet and taking it back into my account … for today I’ll keep it back and either make another payment toward student loan or buy something practically useful with it. Like business advertising, cooking ingredients etc.

      Let’s keep going!

    • #49933

      Hi IRock, I read your journal entries and appreciate your depth and detailed thoughts and feelings of the journey. Yes, let’s keep going, as you stated in your last post. Let’s continue on the journey and share. Happy Spring renewal. b62

    • #49934

      Thanks Bonnie 🙂

      Much love.  Let’s keep out of the demon holes and continue enjoying the sunshine <3

    • #49935

      I feel a bit fragmented right now … and I think it’s simply because of temptation. I’m feeling a little mellow, and I note that the temptation to do something that feels like a gamble/can go either way/indecisiveness is pulling on me.

      There is like a frozen state of attachment to indecision/emotional waviness where clarity isn’t present that I feel hooked into deeper down … like a gravity pull to move certainty/clarity into uncertainty and washy/foggy possibilities …

      So I’m just taking the time to write about it here and move my mindset and emotional drive back deeper into a framework of where I know certain joys are … qi gong, music, doing work on my businesses, etc. … I feel the current voice of gambling/that black hole trying to pull me back in right now … nothing new. Just know that every time I write about it and dig those feelings out/interact I’m more likely to stay safe in what I’m doing. It can feel like the paralyzing feeling of «time to go» … so I’m taking extra time to wait on the outskirts of things … it’s not time to be involved with markets/trades right now, but it is time to wait «today — i will not gamble». There is nothing that feels like a guaranteed or favorable result that I can see or gleam from those charts now. My senses are telling me to stay out — in the past I haven’t acted on this and watched myself be victimized from the need for action and to hold on and stay in. I won’t be doing that this time. Out means out. Wait means wait.

      Generally I am capable of being patient … I know with cravings I can feel like my patience disappears or comes under assault from all forms of draw and pull to do something/step into what doesn’t feel right (gambling) or to use all the patience up on holding out/staying involved in what I’m doing (holding an overleveraged position/bet I shouldn’t be). So in this moment I’ll be focusing on redirecting the virtue of patience toward patience with money not to gamble. I can wait on the sidelines and clear my mind.

      One day at a time.

    • #49936

      Today I’m writing again in my commitment to slow my impulse for risk and guard myself from it. I woke up with a larger impulse for it (sometimes the craving/feeling of missing out hits me right after I wake up) …

      For me it feels like the craving itself wants to «sneak» in and through my own conscious defenses — like automatically after I wake up. Before my conscious mind has gathered itself/done any mind body spirit connection work with qi gong etc. Because I know if I make health and self connection, breathing, and my inspirational quotes to guard myself from risk the first thing I do, then I get first fruits over the cravings for price action/involvement.

      I can feel the craving pressing now, so I’m going to steer my focus to walking through my quotes and exercises and focus my connection on those.


    • #49937

      It was a great weekend. Went all weekend and through all of Sunday Night without looking at market prices.

      The intensity of energy/focus I’m noticing flowing into my other activities … I’m noticing that I’m really enjoying cooking and making food/these other life activities over gambling.

      This morning I ran through my qi gong exercises, read my quotes about risk, caught a glimpse at market prices and remind myself there’s nothing I need to do now. Those emotions of vengeance, not enough, «need» etc. are there in that checking/glancing — I can feel them. The «need» to do something just for the sake of doing it … the urge itself creates all forms of imagery metaphor logic … whatever the conscious brain could want to hear … to create some kind of picture where it’s «okay» to «just do it». Well, it’s not. Actions have to be taken that make sense and actually have a guaranteed favorable outcome long term … the actions that have the odds lined up and stacked in my favor are the ones my consciousness belongs in harmony with … not randomness, not chance, not luck, not quick draw, not fun exciting sparkly wheels and numbers not any of that nonsense.

      But they feel quieter now … the loud demanding voice of gambling is getting quieter, though it’s still a vicious mischievous beast to keep a watchful distance from. I can actively acknowledge my success as well as actively acknowledge that the monster wants to revise the weakening impulses to be frustrated, impatient, and feel a «need» to make a bet. There is no «need» for that … it isn’t even a want … it’s just an old biological distortion wrapped up in pure deceit to me from my perspective.

      My appetite for what I really want and need keeps deepening (experiencing my emotions, nature, life, working on my independent businesses, social contact, writing, practicing music, making careful risk oriented decisions with what I do with my money…) and the artificial addictive appetite of the eternally empty black hole of gambling is weakening and closing up.

      This is an invitation to stay connected, keep helping others while receiving the help in places like this. I know how no mercy addictions can become when you let up on them — so for me this is truly a life time commitment …. a forever commitment … to to use what resources and community I have to support the end of gambling and refusing the language of it’s distorted thoughts and urges.

      Let’s keep going : )

    • #49938

      Hi IRock

      First of all, thank you for posting in my journal, I really appreciate it. Second of all, I can’t help but notice how good you are at being in touch with your inner self. It’s really astonishing how good you are at this part of self-reflection of your emotions and thoughts because it’s hard for an addict to have any connection (or at least put words to it and describe it) to what is going on inside of us. I’ve come across a fair bit of compulsive gamblers and rarely they have that ability at your level to detect and reflect what is currently going on with them on the inside. I truly believe this is an essential skill to learn and to be comfortable with, in order for us addicts to stay free of our addictions. I often have troubles with this, especially putting words to it, but reading your journal helps me with this process, because many of the things you feel, I feel or have felt before.

      Anyways, keep up the good work and remember, it’s all about one day at a time 🙂

    • #49939

      Wow, thank you!

      One day at a time yes.  I’m glad what I’m sharing means something to more than just me, as it’s part of my fuel and connection to change things within myself.  I guess one drawback of good articulation is getting stuck in thought vs. action every now and again.

      Let’s make today gamble free : )

    • #49940

      One thing I notice is the warping change of time when a craving hits … this morning I feel a little nervous/jittery inside a craving sensation and it feels like time slowing down into super slow motion … like this artificial perception of moving under water and not getting «relief» from it until the urgent/fast moving craving to place a «bet» comes in …

      Right now I don’t have anything that’s a «bet» sitting in the markets … yet this slowed down craving feeling is trying to distort good, sound, boring, risk guarded moves into being «unsafe» or «uneasy» and draw me into the urge to hop in and out and throw money away, stare at price action, get emotional etc. as «comfort» or «back to normal» …

      Well that normal is a terrible one I don’t wear any more. Fear and jealousy as expressed toward unhealthy extensions of chasing after the imaginings of someone else’s bigger bank account is a mirage in the desert … I believe those emotions belong in self protection. Fear of missing out on my own health and vibrancy, and jealous of my own life force that I protect of myself.

      Once again, I write and share to address the craving to do the wrong thing or feel the wrong way about perceiving things, and once again, I believe it is sound for its reason. I do not have to act impulsively to undistort time, but simply reconnect to the timeless values I’ve been feeling deeper and deeper as this journey has begun.

      Now, I direct myself to read through my daily quotes and connect to my own mind body and spirit deeper without fear.


    • #49941

      Woops — typed this earlier and forgot to post.

      Checking in again,

      As I’m being faced with that craving/feeling of chase for risk again blended with fomo (fear of missing out). It’s that «act now or miss out» feeling always selling the idea of there will never be another chance … The back and forth movement becomes a gray static that numbs the senses where my initial clarity becomes numb. It’s a force of pushing «come on open up! Open! Become vulnerable to me» … it’s the voice of a bully in my head no doubt.

      It also numbs the fact that acting now destroys/creates a true missing out of acting on something at another time. Acting when conditions are sure, when things are clear, when senses are clear and timing is best, this is the way.

      The voice of cravings, the order to follow and chase prices and fortunes and to just risk more and more and more is the voice of a bully and the voice of evil. It reminds me of the parallel change happening in my life of washing out early childhood programming of being a passive controlled person to the voices of corrupt authority. Gambling, in all its ugliness, is a metaphorical biological spiritual embodiment of quite a corrupt «leader»/alter ego or whatever you want to call it. It could also be seen as the voice of a sociopathic kid that wants you to come play with him on his playground or give him attention.

      Assertiveness in playing my own game on my ground is the winning ticket. I can feel it and I know it. No I don’t have to feel guilty or experience artificial anxiety/undermine myself in this.

      Fuck off gambling, I’m playing my own game tonight.

    • #49942

      My mind is too concerned with what market/price are doing at the moment. I think a bit of it seaped into me/through my inner emotional barriers yesterday in spite of a little journaling.

      Fearful concern over outcome … it is a bit of jittery withdrawal kind of feeling … like a wave from my subconscious reaching back for me … I feel I need to become very conscious with what I want to create now and today.

      I feel kind of sad … I guess I’ve been avoiding sadder/mellower feelings lately and it might be catching up with me … like that fundamental heart/mind ache that hits … it’s a bit of a flinch reaction to numb it … I think my mind just wandered to staring at prices a bit to get numbed up from that feeling …

      It feels like artistry and creativity that wants to express … artistic creative movement … body and soul expression …

      One thing I always notice about where I feel my head buzzing/too much energy/noise going on is the top and back of my head … that’s where I tend to feel the buzz, quick/rapid fire thoughts, and a numbing draw …

      When it comes to cravings and urges and stepping out of them … I think the parts of the body that are consciously engaged have a bit to do with it … the feeling that comes to mind is shame.

      Not shame in what I’m doing now or have done recently … but an old feeling of shame in who i am … feeling like I am shame itself … i remember writing about these earlier and then forgetting about them … perhaps recent cravings just were my subconscious forgetting.

      Humiliation and shame … the feeling of actually being those things and feeling heavy inside/defined by them … they feel like emotional bubbles that swell in waves … and precede cravings/wants to neglect healthy things or do unhealthy things …

      «I am shame … I am humiliation …» … old belief systems that that was something to be embraced and lauded … to be a martyr … to be a sacrifice … to feel embarrassed for the sake and cause of another without question … old unpleasant beliefs i left behind …

      That belief really becomes a self fulfilling prophecy …

      Feeling ashamed for something done isn’t a self fulfilling prophecy … but the emotion consuming and becoming who I am is … Emotions sure are addictive … this is an old addiction from childhood … «I am shame itself» …

      Or sometimes it’s a feeling of wanting attention or to be loved … of course it’s learned and rewired over time and remembered in moments like this that coming out of these feelings, being strong, leading with health and joy … and helping others do the same….

      That is the way to attention. That is the way to being loved. The right way. 🙂

      Make today gamble free <3

    • #49943

      So I’m definitely struggling with an uncomfortable restlessness … it feels like fear and anxiety/the feeling of being squeezed or tested … I’m actually doing a test for potential work tonight …

      I guess I didn’t realize it, but the feeling of being tested or put under some pressure that I feel unsure about feels like a trigger to jump in or out … with gambling it’s just about jumping in and out and pressing buttons for the sake of that … I feel my nervousness about tonight translating into a shakiness/fluttery back and forth stiffness.

      I see myself looking at two scenarios and straining too much to catch the outcome just right … overall I will be fine and feel I’m doing the right thing, but my senses are trigger firing a bit … I think right now I feel open/exposed and suggestable to the voice and push absorbing more risk … like a field play of increasing risk on and on instead of reducing it … it feels like a craving to simply increase my own risk taking just for the sake of more risk and feeling on edge.

      There is no rhyme or reason to it other than the feeling of wanting to be on edge and increase the risk of my approach. This is my unguarded old self/bad habit and nature of just being too open to anything and not proactively creating what I need and following the limits/self protection needed. It’s a craving to be tempted, like my emotions are caught flirting with my triggers …

      I feel kind of embarrassed and ashamed to be honest because I can’t get it off of my mind. I feel that deeper shame feeding what is leading to shame and the two emotions that feed each other in cahoots spinning in a circle … starting to slip … confidence feels a little shaky … shame …

      I feel that «time change» where time is suddenly moving very slow and my senses aren’t picking up on the emotions/feelings and being of things outside this isolated time window of right now … it’s a squeezing feeling of lack of perception/connection of my senses to the future/the flow of time of the whole day (instead of the tension of this moment)

      I also feel like that isolated/slowed down sense of time is tied to a feeling of fixation on a worse case scenario that is well … not the most likely to happen. My confidence feels a little more aligned/natural when I say that. The worst of the worst for where I am right now isn’t likely, because my risk is limited.

      I’m going to focus my mind on reigning in this impulse to suddenly jump in and out and flash sparkly prices in front of my face — it’s been tempting me and luring me in too much today. It’s randomness in and out for its own sake … The entirety of this emotional distortion and the thoughts and images that push out from it are a lie. A hard core lie.

      I’ve got things to do besides feel weighed down with this craving and feeding it by staring at randomness. I’m gonna go read some quotes and clear my mind.

    • #49944

      Time is still moving really slow for me — I feel my mind suspended … it makes me think of older slower memories of being in much worse places then where I am in life now … places where time really did slow down quite a lot.

      It’s a perception of time that doesn’t even feel real. It feels artificially created and disconnected from the real ebb and flow of things because time is in fact on the move … it’s only moving much slower in my head … I’ve been wondering about this today — feeling disconnected from the flow of time anticipating.

      When I go into trance and try to do visualizations etc. too I notice this … a very slow moving voice that talks and changes very slow … like someone moving through sludge or thick mud … this has happened both when gamble approach in trading or not … it feels like a jail cell but a jail cell deep in the mind … and someone who has been extensively trained/habituated in staying inside it.

      There’s nothing to see in the markets or anything to do … but my mind just wants to park and sit and mull over it … mold and shape what isn’t there. My energy motion in my mind is stopped/clogged. It feels like flipping back into childhood where there was no self leadership as i’ve been cultivating so deeply the past few years and even more so recent weeks and months.

      There is something to that deeper part of me that talks very slow like and feels like it is moving under water … where the perception of time itself distorts and changes … when it becomes conscious all kinds of problems manifest in my life … I know in the past it has been related to a deeper expression of depression, etc.

      I guess it’s the part of me that used to be a lot more conscious … super introverted/not wanting to be around/talk to people/be seen etc. … This is the same part of me that took so long to get to places like this to start getting help in the first place …

      It just feels like an inner emotional sentiment of stubbornness/holding onto old ways of being/things that were lost … feels like a habit or even an act in some extent … intense negative self beliefs and feelings of disempowerment … none of those thoughts/beliefs are true though … they’re more like a program spinning on repeat subconsciously.

      The characteristics in summary:

      1. Slow moving thoughts and very slow moving energy
      2. Negative thoughts and «can’t» projected toward everything around
      3. Feels connected to subconscious, memory/long term memory, and visualization …

      If visualization is a subconscious mechanism, this sludgy stuck part in me (which has been the surface expression in all forms of turning trading into gambling) has a keen tendency to block it … like blotting out my inner visualizations with a black cloud …. blocking out my own thoughts feelings/expressions of living etc. Trying to slow down the will to live do be and engage … like dragging weight from my subconscious behind me …

      the more I flesh this out, the more free I feel … deeply free … this subconscious part of me feels like it has ancient history in my soul … but there is this brilliant fountain of joy and love underneath it.

      I feel I have a little more understanding of it … it will surely pop up again more. In the mean time, I’m feeling better now. Time to do something. 🙂

    • #49945

      For today I thought I would explore my thoughts and feelings about money from an early perspective kind of approach …

      For one … I don’t really buy into the whole The Secret visualize tons of this and that blah blah stuff … I think for gamblers in particular that type of philosophy is toxic and a carrot on a stick. Visualizing large sums of money and just mindlessly telling myself «you deserve it» in the past was never a positive thing for me. That part of our culture is quite blind to more nuanced understandings of how things work.

      That being said, it may be valuable to dig around my earlier experiences and thoughts/perceptual shapes of money, because some of them may be triggers for gambling approach in the first place. Maybe, maybe not, but worth exploring.

      What springs to mind for me is remembering that I never wanted to be associated with money before I had to. I remember burning a dollar bill more than once as a late teen/early adult. I’ve always retained a bit of a cognitive dissonance/somewhat spiteful relationship with money if i were honest. Rejection, spite, and even vengeance seem to be emotions of mine that want to drain into my energy field through monetary expressions … maybe I feel less settled with those feelings elsewhere?

      I do feel there is a subconscious part of me that doesn’t like money in anyway and gives a feeling of «push» to it like pushing it away, whereas the more surface self is of course hussling to make it. Inner tension and sometimes paralysis over this seems like a very real thing.

      I think I get bored with my savings and also feel like those scripts of acting out that push pull with money are a real thing for me … I used to love numbers and math … I feel like my experiences with trading-become-gambling over the years kind of numbed me to that … Anyway that early perspective of me is always feeling like money is a web or trap and sort of stretching and pushing like someone tied up to wriggle out of it … then the feeling of not having money is another trap and wriggling out of that … it feels like back and forth interplay between two expressions of wiggling/wriggling out of perceived states of being trapped …

      I feel I come back to this emotional cycle over and over and it plays out with money particularly. I’ve gotten good at guarding the bulk of my savings and have good credit, but the emotional cycle and stagnancy of what I witness is a very real thing. Wriggling and tension to the point of exhaustioni from opposite points of view … on and on …

      This is a habit that seems to have fallen into other parts of my life as well … areas where I’ve gotten lessons to relax and let go of the struggle … within certain activities. But as I write when I think of certain things now in addition to money vs. no money … I also think of starting and stopping activities … There can be great struggle.

      The feelings of struggle themselves feel like a «home» state I turn back to … it’s like this feeling of need to create struggle for myself … to create extra challenge …. to challenge myself more than I need to or excessively instead of in balance …
      Hard to say where it came from other than it’s a habit of my personality … in the areas where i’ve experienced freedom from this it has felt amazing …

      But yea. Taking on too much challenge at once to the point of crushing weight … bad habit … There still are just simply other areas where I could use a looser dynamic flow and not get caught in the self induced chinese finger trap of personality expression (which happens outside of gambling too at times). I have a habit of toying with the difficulty level of things a bit too much back and forth and raising the bar too high too fast. Suddenly going from level 1 to level 4 difficulty … it creates a rush in and of itself …

      Even as a kid i was drawn to challenges and complexity … as an adult and relearning more advanced/professional musical approaches I’ve found that it has had a lot more to do with letting go of making things harder than they need to be. Standing on foundations of simplicity, clarity, and direction instead.

      So I wonder if that leads me into cravings to gamble too at times … stable life with savings feeling too «easy» and wanting to stretch the difficulty level and make money feel difficult and hard …

      Anyway this just a curious exploration of mine … some of it feels relevant for sure.

      I always feel lighter and better after writing here and getting a chance to encourage others. Progress and understanding are a wonderful thing.

    • #49946

      I think I’m onto something here … about getting emotionally tied into difficulty and challenge in and of itself (instead of difficulty–>approached correctly–>results). I feel it’s emotional and comes from that deeper wall of subconscious energy … the need and want to make things hard and be inside the emotional state of struggle …

      I’m also aware that my language when I feel trapped in a gambling type situation/the urge to watch prices and increase bet qty etc. it seems to just dance around everything or make everything more convoluted than it actually is … to complicate things … like a psychological defense mechanism for myself … to go around doing the direct simple thing (Stop!) and replace it with lines of complexity … it becomes rationalized if the problem is complex …

      I think I naturally sit heavy on the side of deeper/more intricate which can be good, but also not. I’ve been having the hardest time to just speaking out the words that I semi-relapsed and put on too much risk … all the complexity of language to myself and «what if it’s this, well it could be that» … like my personality responds to the compulsion with streams of complexity/solutions that dance around the point: too much risk. I get a sensation in my lower spine when it’s telling me to step back from something and wait a little longer.

      I got that two days ago and ignored it when i shouldn’t have. I can feel and see how my thoughts become streams of rationalizations to dangle the carrot in front of my face and risk more … i think some complex explanations/complexity itself can be a defense for more raw and direct experiences inside me … none of the actions or words that spin out from them lead to actually reducing risk or guarding myself from it. They lead to distracting from and evading the pinpoint issue of anticipating to early, narrowing multiple scenarios to one, and upping risk too much.

      My very best days are when I’m actually aligned with and acting on this perception of risk/scenarios. It feels right on a deeper level to acknowledge this inner mind game distortion of rationalization through spontaneous complexity and spontaneous creative «solutions» … it’s more like deliberately reaching for all the false solutions … deliberately reaching for everything that’s a dead end … avoidance of the bulls eye shot out of the room and deliberate make believe running into the walls of false solutions. The struggle in this sense becomes a script.

    • #49947

      You guys ever get a feeling of not belonging anywhere … like a wanderer?

      A deep deep feeling of «I don’t belong here» … I don’t know if that fuels gambling or if gambling fuels that (actually it’s probably both) … but that feeling of not belonging feels so debilitating …

      A feeling of not being able to communicate, to be understood easily … even when speaking clearly … That aching feeling of loneliness and not belong runs so deep …

      It feels like a deep expression of my soul right now … a feeling of not belonging anywhere, not deserving anything good I have … and trying to hold the weight of these feelings underneath these creeping cravings … feelings of desire to end life and existence itself … anger and sadness/remorse about all of life and existence … some of the deepest feelings I bottled in years ago deeper down …

      It’s like those feelings that have no place and have no belonging kind of naturally spill into bets and the circus of prices … and then feel even more alienated/like they don’t belong. But the reality is they do have a place … because there are things about life and existence here that need to be improved, changed, answered and addressed … existence itself …

      I feel my deepest grievances with non-controllable energy forces spill out into temptations to wager … just having these feelings makes me nervous … and in that nervousness and uncertainty it just kind of «slides» into a bet … then these emotions are now riding the ups and downs of that bet … my deepest seated feelings that have no place of belonging …

      I’ve written about it before but repetition is key so ……

      powerlessness, vulnerability, fear, frustration spill into bet … bet then creates more of these intense emotions … these emotions then ruminate and worry more about bet … like a giant toxic destructive relationships of two people tied together who argue and fight …

      I think when I connect with the value and meaning of my deepest emotions and hold them within a framework inside myself instead … something feels … better. All the way down into my heart.

      The overwhelming feeling of not belonging starts to shift … and I remember that in my own mission purpose and goals is my belonging … the belonging i forge …

      It’s not good people with deep grief on pain injustice who do not belong and have no place of belonging … it is the feelings of meaninglessness, the experiences of evil that go too far, and the addictions … these are the things that don’t belong. These are the things that have no belonging — they become like entities that become who we are and become the emotions and voice in our heads … but gambling isn’t me. It isn’t who we are.

      I feel now I want to tell these deep, deep feeling places inside me that they have belonging, have a place, have meaning … it feels like i’m talking to some ancient version of myself … and saying «yes».

      I can feel that current … it feels like a deeper part of my soul responding …

    • #49948

      I feel a lot of inner confusion right now. .. My mind keeps wandering back to sunk cost/old losses. Thinking and feeling them i get hooked into struggling feelings and fighting what is invisible (the past) … Even though things are «ok» on another level my mind is too hooked into the past losses and gains and its driving me nuts …my feelings of resentment and spite and bitterness seem to feed it … gravitational pull to «hit back» …. i feel intense spite toward gambling and being someone stuck with this mess of a biology …

      I want to get my mind out of this stuck rumination … where everything real feels fake and everything fake is shovinfg itself in my face as real. Im also troubled that the signals from my body which keep consistently telling me this isnt healthy are getting bent and distorted into positive visions … inyensely deceitful optimism that its okay to come back its okay to get vengeance and okay to keep playing the game … It feels like sociopathic optimism the voice and energy drivinf this. Just evil.

      Grief resentment and frustration seem to be leading feelings getting bent into false optimism and false hope … false hope to save face or feel better about a tattered past …

      Some deeper part needs to not only let go of past losses and spiteful engagement of ruminating revenge but those feelings also need to find a healthiet place of natural expression …

      My voice feels silenced and I feel weak … I hate feeling weak … maybe im taking letting go of this unhealthy and unachievable vengeance. I hate feelings of weakness this past has left soaked in me … and the idea of making an image of it being better from revenge in the future is draining and delusional …

      I feel like the emotion of hatred and frustration and disconnection get locked in a box with my past and bubbles and i lose insight on what is happening now …they leak out of the box into temptations to bet and glue my eyes to market prices … as if there is some kind of answer for injustice in there … there isnt.

      It brings up deeper unsettling thoughts and feelings of deep darkness that happened before turning 18 that seemed to change my very physiology from a planner into a more sporadic improviser in the moment … i changed from certain things that happened from a non compulsive planner into someone more doing things on the fly … even before i ran into markets … environmental and physical changes to my brain …

      Deep buried resentment from that change and intense things that happened … and an inner yearning for what was lost 11 years ago … impatience. Looping irritation and anger feeling disconnected … I feel like it is hard to connect outside myself from this place. Downward loop is feeling worth less because of having these feelings in the first place … its an emotional clump … memories of past loss > resentment and spite > feeling bad about having resentment and spite > vulnerability to vengeance moves toward markets > disconnect from others > irritation and impatience … feeding each other

      So what would be a positive spiral out of that? Memories of getting out of bad situations > Memories of improved finances > Memories of where i am now in positive financial health > gratitude > Less feeling of need to change the past > enjoying what is happening now > looking toward the future with authentic optimism > feeling good about myself for being genuine and honest along my journey > connecting more.

      Break up those negative clumping loops into positive spirals …


    • #49949

      All I can say is … Journaling still works … so I’m gonna keep doing it.

      Tonight I’m in reflection over my most common mistakes that lead me into getting trapped in the first place. There’s a part of me that disconnects from and doesn’t trust my senses …. that combines with anticipating. I see something I need to wait for to complete and finish (this is a life thing) and I jump the gun or feel that fear of something not finishing …

      My senses give me clearer signals about something and some part of me hops onto another wavelength and says «that won’t happen» (even if it combines with my senses and logical sense) … then I feel irate/an itch to gamble.

      I see this with my attitude toward my businesses … I assume something that is very solid/has guaranteed probability will fall short and put my «bet» on it failing … My senses keep telling me and I watch it happen anyway and wonder «why did I bet against myself?»

      Gambling truly is a distortion of betting against yourself in the end … if you work a job, get up and do certain things in the morning, etc. you have guaranteed or almost guaranteed outcomes … I feel when I gamble I’m literally filled with doubt and distrust for guaranteed or highly probable outcomes and have this emotional clinging/trust in what is more dicey …

      It’s like two waves running simultaneously … this wave that’s telling me the truth internally and another that is this skeptical voice of gambling that wants to take guaranteed outcomes and make them less credible/trustworthy but make random outcomes feel look and see appeasing/appetizing and some how a «better experience» … the emotion and voice in my head sells it to me as such …
      selling insanity … «trust randomness!» «there is no order!» …

      It feels rooted in chaos itself … chaos and arbitrary/random actions, pulsations, and moves … it’s rooted in chaos and unforeseen … like linking into and hooking into being surprised by the unforeseen … it almost feels like deliberate self blinding too …

      Gambling always has this press of pushing things toward the edge … waiting until the last possible minute … like turning ordinary life things into the most climactic part of a movie …
      (and then, ironically, being less interested or enthralled by actual stories and movies that have awesome climaxes) …

      It’s stealing the spotlight for garbage in return.

      The other thing I can say about it is my thoughts tend to cluster around a process of giving into this belief … giving into the idea that this randomness is the way. Mix of emotions and the feeling of being pressured come to mind … Internal pressure and «screw it, such and such will happen anyway» «may as well» «why not?» …

      «I’m a gambler anyway» «I’ve been this way so long, may as well just …» … those types of thoughts seem to be hitting in terms of dragging me back into the old. Acquiescence to what was and has been.

      But even just my short time on here is proof that I can achieve otherwise … I can be filled with oxygen … I can stop. I can feel all my senses and feelings come back to me in other ways. I can regain my life interests.

      The sales pitch of getting excited about random crap is so intense and it’s like a blasting wave inside the brain demanding attention and acquiescense to it … It’s like a silent part of me inside is just standing there taking it … an older shade of how i used to be more … conditioning to be passive … my passive self tends to just stand and follow a more assertive force when it comes to cravings or being driven to things I shouldn’t do … the logic of this «thing» called gambling says «look, you’re asserting yourself by holding onto this big bet!» Which is a lie … I’m letting something else assert itself over me when I do that.

      «okay, fine!» … «You can’t say no» …

      But I can. I have to admit, I was raised by a father who would inevitably cowtow and submit to my mom and was very much a beta male in every sense of the word … I feel the part of me that «can’t say no» to certain things still would be reflections of that influence of passivity … and assertive stubbornness well … that’s maternal heh.

      Those obviously are just influences, but ones worth acknowledging. Part of what I do along side this journey of stripping gambling elements out of my approach to life and business is unwind and deprogram the beta male conditioning I’ve experienced from growing up.

      That part of me just wants to wait and wait for things that it knows waiting for won’t do any good … and when it gives into the assertive part that is distorted by the voice of gambling I end up anticipating and rushing into something before it’s ready (which randomizes the outcome as well) …

      I’ve had pockets where I don’t do this … pockets which seem to gradually gain space and grow bigger … I can keep expanding those.

    • #49950

      Your never to late to transform yourself from the old you to the new me. Before you do this the first thing comes in mind. Accepting and forgiving. You don’t want to get back to the old you do you?

      The best ways to be the new you is to try and do things u haven’t tried and done before. Try to give gambling a replacement in your life. Something positive like sports, fishing or whatever u want to do..

      I know u can do it! I believe in you..


    • #49951

      Thanks for your feedback and post : )

      I agree.  I’ve been going back and forth getting space from this monster.  I’ve been cooking more lately … I really feel like it’s a big replacer for it … my craving for great food and making it is now competing directly with the urges to gamble.

      I def have the activities and interests — it’s not getting caught in the numbing effect of going back to take a look at price fluctuations too much.

      Yes we can do it!  : )

    • #49952

      So I have different little bits of independent work I do … and my intuition has been telling me some financial success is in store for me this month. Well the first part of April has shown that as quite true.

      I even watched a youtube video of someone advocating how to deal with sudden success (because it can ruin people). I think it can be a rush of dopamine and deeper temptations can open up.

      This month is looking successful … so i’m writing here because I now gambling is going to pop up in my head soon and say «why not celebrate?» … But in reality success outside gambling should be celebrated with yet less gambling.

      I have to keep writing here. I have to keep doing what makes me successful (not gambling, not putting on random trades, not sneaking in unnecessary looks at markets I don’t belong in). Perception can go out the window with sudden success … I’ve watched people ruin their lives or become altered personalities for it … even small bursts of it.

      I don’t want to do that this month. I want to check myself and remind myself I’m human and am vulnerable and need to be aware of my risk side of things (gambling always numbs and has a «white out» effect on my perception of risk or what can go wrong …).

      The voice of gambling always pushes too much and too far anticipating ever increasing rewards instead of pulling out every time. So with my independent business work outside it I’m reminding myself here to be protective and mindful of my openings.

      I notice I’ve been holding out/procrastinating a bit tonight because I feel a buzz from some financial success from stripping gambling down … hard to shut off that drive to want to either be lazier or euphoric …

      Actually lazy euphoria is a great description of it … gambling in the winning phases (or the spike wins outside of gambling that create deeper temptations to gamble) truly promote sloth and euphoria. Suddenly hard work doesn’t seem important. I have to remind myself I’m not doing this to avoid work/be unhealthy or lethargic.

      Now’s a great time to practice singing, prep up some of my taxes/other paperwork to take care of, connect to my breathing/senses strongly and drive myself forward on solid ground.

      The buzz of sudden success, just like the hurt of abrupt failure, can be intense and very distracting. So today I’m reminding myself that that’s exactly what it is — a distraction.

      Stay on track — stay focused on the same healthy good actions that create success and don’t let success lead to gambling and impulsive moves.

      I’m so grateful to all of you. Let’s keep going <3

    • #49954

      I felt that post in my heart.  Gambling is no way to celebrate.

      Best to you too 🙂

    • #49955

      I’m noticing a pattern that I failed to notice the last couple weeks when i had my slip up in the markets — anticipation. Time slowing down and falling into a mind and emotional state of anticipation and deliberately doubting certainty and certain things … anticipating high probability and certain things as less likely and just fearing some random deviation …

      This anticipation is like seeing the sun rise in the morning and saying «I’m just not sure if it will rise» … disconnection from what I feel sure of/plugged in to. This anticipation has hooked me into a gambling mindset before so I feel it necessary to write about the warped mindset.

      Time compresses … moments feel long and the gambling impulse makes it feel like minutes are days in terms of «come on just do it act now!» … I thin gambling distorts our perception of time …

      It’s a voice that makes tragedy and pain out of waiting 1 hour … like a child crying and whining to get its way with deceit …

      Gambling is the #1 competitor with honesty with someone who is addicted to it …

      I feel fear and panic and worry and I know it’s all artificial … there’s nothing to do… just relax.

      I’m finding that I need to be aggressive and assertive against the voice images and emotions of gambling … passivity doesn’t really work … it takes a bit of bite to shut down the voice pressing in.

      Time for me is currently being bent into a long slow grind that goes into early afternoon tomorrow … but in actuality it’s passing by quickly and waiting several days waiting longer (just one more day) can help me a lot.

      Anticipation with randomized deviation I see you burning and pulsing flashing your signs at me … I have to stay plugged into the deep current of truth that is beyond this nonsense. The truth of pushing prices away and being gamble free.

    • #49956

      Been a few days since I’ve written

      I’ve been feeling more empowered lately … aware of my tendencies and getting more «in it» alignment with what I wanna do with my business work etc.

      I’ve been biting some tension with gamble pulses but not pulling any happy triggers (aka placing a gambling form of bet hopping in and out). Smoother and descending to level ground.

      The distracting nature of those times I’ve fallen off … some times it’s just the mind-blanking distraction and feeling like my memory/focus is fuzzier is the worst part.

      My slips these days particularly since joining these groups are short lived and minor. But sometimes i go through a longer drawn out feeling/sensation … the feeling of my brain and energy being there urging me to bet or to hop into a false alignment where uncertainty is perceived as more probable than certainty …

      Wait actually that’s a great summary/illustration of gambling. Uncertainty is put at the forefront and perceived as more likely to happen favorably and more beneficial than certainty … how strange this force is.

      Uncertainty or the creation of uncertainty becomes the emotional energetic imprint and false intuitive drive … non-truths and chaos taking the forefront as valuable/valued …

      Gambling sure is perception warping … even the after glow of it wanting to permeate decision making in life … because the compulsion is to make a gambling like train of thought when planning or a gambling like set of actions for the day …

      I am fairly certain I have done this … deliberately randomized my schedule or gone into the hook and wait motion that reflects gambling/adrenaline rush …

      It’s worth reflecting on what elements of gambling pop up in my life … because stripping randomness or the subconscious creation of randomness or chaos out of order is worth gutting to its core …

      I can definitely see it happen in other areas of my life … randomization and anticipation … spontaneity that pops in in ways that are less helpful …

      There’s a true authentic creative spontaneity that’s plugged into the flow and plan of the day … and then there’s the gambling like one which is really impulsive randomness and generates/creates nothing of cohesive or artistic value …

      I felt a lot of truth in that when I typed it out …recognizing the two and how they differ …

      I’m gonna let that hang in the air a bit …

    • #49957

      Hierarchy seems incredibly tied into the programming that leads into this addiction … I remember reading about abuse and layers of belittlement from the past that lead into weakness in addiction.

      It really does seem to be a correlation of lapsing into inner states of powerlessness and vulnerability that correspond with feeling tempted to gamble. It’s always the same story from the past … the indulgence and feeling of being totally weak and helpless on a torture rack (metaphorically/image wise that is — but reflective of real states of powerlessness) …

      I don’t know why but as a kid I was just drawn into fictional characters that were put into situations of being tortured/captured with no way out and struggling against the odds … this addictive state of struggling against the odds … instead of taking the odds and re-arranging them to be favorable.

      My mind and body tend to constantly want to reset to old pattern states of struggle (or be influenced subconsciously to do so) … struggle and life being a struggle are a hardwired addiction … I see this for what it is … but many don’t.

      There is always deeper happiness and enjoyment buried under these recurring addictive emotional patterns … a deeper joy and enjoyment of life … underneath the imposed sense of always having to struggle … the negative spiral gambling takes advantage of.

      It is the wool pulled over my eyes … it is the facade of my existence … the past and stories given to me as true and those who dwell from it and in it …

      The top of the back of my head (long term memory?) is always where I feel an energetic pull when it comes to cravings to gamble or to get more involved …. I keep re-wording it in different ways ….

      Gambling tells me I’m weak and insane … but that’s what gambling is. Gambling is weak and insane … I am whole and true within.

      It never ceases to amaze me the way this «other being» of gambling just exists in this endless sea of lies where everything good is made out to be bad and every action that leads to guaranteed loss in the end is made out to be the «proper course» at the time. False assurance, false alignment, false satisfaction, false everything.

      Going through a gambling addiction is like renting a space with a pathological liar for a roommate … some times I see metaphorical imagery reflecting my involvement or lackthereof in gambling and representations of this thing called gambling that is so full of lies …

      Picking up the pieces …

    • #49958

      I had the opportunity to attend two Zoom meetings for GA recently. They were beneficial in a way that felt like riding a wave — a good wave.

      The group participation and sharing helps quite a bit and meshes with my personality/point of view of teamwork towards achievement. Some of the greatest human achievements are done in teams.

      I have to be honest that I rode a trade and paid interest on it the last several days … after gains and losses I hit break even and pulled the plug. It was too much leverage … I fell for riding the buzz again.

      I’m still reading my quotes every day about reducing risk and discovering useful information for myself. Practiced music for 7 hours last two nights deep into the night (got a jazz gig coming up with some pro players i have to be on point to play well with)

      That tendency to just open up my energy field through my money to be exposed to the toxicity of what comes through (crossing the risk threshold in any of my business decisions) is getting less and better more and more so over time. I have to stay on it.

      Looking forward to more Zoom meetings of GA folks in the future — the more we can connect and encourage each other not to make gambling decisions, the better!

    • #49959

      Good grief I screwed up. Hit the markets hard with high leverage (still leveraged). I always feel stuck and hooked as hell when I slip like this. I’m not down a lot of money, but the emotion of dragging through it is so heavy. I hate the energy of people behind the scenes who rig these things.

      It’s crazy that high leverage is felt as a «need» … like a tremendous neediness to be in a trade. What is it? Am I worthless unless i have the promise and potential of big money through a big bet? Impatience? Hard to label it any one thing because when i get tied in it’s just a mix of things … i feel like i’m holding on out of resentment and anger more than anything else … like a driving fuel. Twisted fuel.

      I hate market makers markets casinos and the lot … i hate seeing who i am and what i do spinning in circles inside like a confused dazed cartoon seeing stars looking at this stuff. Is it biology? A flaw of the spirit? Hard to say but it’s a defect and whether i got the short end of the stick having it or not it’s mine and it’s ugly and it’s here.

      My problem is i don’t want to be compulsive … i don’t want to be someone who needs the bet … i want to be the person who can do it without needing it … i’m strong willed stubborn to try to be that person instead of fleshing out who i am … this needy person trembling with insecurity hoping to become acceptable by making enough of a «woosh» off the market …

      No matter the explanations it always ends with a feeling of meaningless because that’s what randomized betting and casinos are — worthless and meaningless. The people who created them are worthless and meaningless, and so are the activities. Fuck my brain and body for being such a beta dog to this garbage.

    • #49961

      Yea I do.  Too caught up in the emotion of resentment and irritation.  Useless sensations.  Not good for feedback either — just contorted emotional states.  Artificial self barriers.

      Thanks for your words.

    • #49962

      Hmm … so in lieu of the frustration i tried for the first time the OSHO dynamic meditation … it actually felt pretty releasing … i was too closed to try it before. Glad I did.


    • #49963

      So after slipping away from help resources …

      I attended a Zoom/Online GA meeting tonight and stayed and chatted for a good long while … a few hours

      I’m finally ready to make deeper leaps of commitment into the GA community — I’ve been addicted to Forex for years, i can give my commitment to all my resources and tools of recovery for years too.

      I’m thankful for all of you and the team of us working together to overcome this.


    • #49964

      I was sad to read about your relapse because you were one of the first journals I read on this forum. But sometimes relapsing is part of the recovery – we just have to learn from it and move on. 

      I’ve got to be honest with you. When I noticed that you hadn’t posted on your journal for a while I got worried for you because usually, that means you’ve lost focus of your recovery process. And I can relate a lot to that. There comes a time in my recovery process where my addiction isn’t posing any immediate threats and the whole process of recovery is becoming cumbersome and trivial. This is where I, in the past, slipped up and essentially started the process leading to a relapse. That’s why I know that I need to do SOMETHING, however small that something must be, daily to remind myself of this addiction and its consequences. 

      I’m glad you had the courage to come back to the forum, Rock. Stay strong, stay aware, stay positive, and stay gambling-free 🙂

      Best of luck


    • #49965

      It seems I have a lot of reading to catch up on, and perhaps ensure I do on my lap top rather than my tiny cell phone screen as I write here. 

      I came back onto the forum last night to deal with my own struggles and relapse. But I came back in this morning to find your thread and check in with how you are doing. 

      I gotta say, your writing can be memorizing, your thought process, your words… 

      Dude I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a recent relapse. And how you describe how you don’t like who you become when you bet, resonates with me hugely. I looked in the mirror last week, in the middle of an epic downhill spiral with relapse and substantial money lost, and I was ashamed with what I saw. I used to be a kind of attractive girl who would look after herself, carry herself with a simple happy pride. What I saw was terrible hair, lines of stress on my face, eyes filled with anxiety and underlined with huge bags. I’ve noticed that the relationships around me have been strained and I’ve caught myself lying to others to cover up who I really currently am. 

      It’s a version of me that I do not like, and I have given it far too much power. 

      Like you don’t like what you become I encourage you to read back over many of your support messages to others and remind yourself of the epic human being you actually are. 

      Bloody proud of you for going along to the group, if I read that correctly above? I’ll do more reading later of your journey but wanted to send you hugs, smiles and cheeky high fives from New Zealand as I straighten myself back out and begin day one again of being gamble free. 

      Keep writing dude, you’ve got a special gift and I believe it will be helping you.

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