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Dark Energy

I have to admit it, it is Day#1 again!!!!!!
after being gambling-free for 291 Days I am back at Day#1. I didn’t cause a lot of damage this time, but it is a relapse and I have to start the count again.

I am really fed up with these endless relapses, each time I am going through the same cycle. few days of total depression then another few days of getting myself together to be able to start doing the smallest tasks, then 3 to 4 weeks to back to be a functioning human being, after that it is just a matter of time to start over again. this time I had a long run, I had more than 9 months, and I have improved personally and financially this relapse didn’t destroy everything I did over the 9 months, but it is a relapse and the cycle started again, currently I am still in the depression phase I hope this will pass soon since it is the hardest part of the cycle.

I am really wondering what is next, it is very hard to live such a life. I am already behind in life and with a ton of debt, 10 years of delayed personal and professional growth, and each time I barely start to improve I relapse and start from zero again… I don’t know what is wrong with me….

it is really hard to start over but I have no choice but to do so. I have to roll the rock uphill again like Sisyphos.

I always thought in Greek mythology the punishment of Prometheus (having his immortal liver eaten by an eagle every day) is the hardest one. but now I think the punishment of Sisyphos is the hardest because of this cycle of hope and losing hope and starting over again.

each time I start over with the hope that I will be able to do it this time, then before I reach the top.. I relapse again and lose hope, and there is nothing to do but to get myself together again and grow the hope inside me again and start over. it is so hard. This is not an ancient myth it is my fuckin life…..