Good job on the month. You reminded me of a quote – "The days are long but the years fly by". Isn’t that the truth? By going a month, you’ve proven to yourself that you can go a lifetime.
But that’s not the real underlying problem (not currently gambling), is it? I know it isn’t for me. The gambling is a by-product of a bigger issue. But just what is that issue?
Speaking of movies/shows, you (also) reminded me of a quote from another movie, As Good As It Gets, when Nicholson is standing in the crowded lobby of his psychiatrists office and boisterously asks, "What if this is as good as it gets?"
What if this is as good as it gets? I’m on my 22nd day, and I can honestly say that I felt stronger and more motivated about my recovery when I was having to fight off the first few weeks of recovery -arguably the noticeably (consciously) hardest – than I do today, even though that fight is over and has been won.
Why is this? Is it that the rush of the bet that is now gone…forever? Do I need to set another goal for myself, like going another month and if so, how do I psyche myself up for this to the same level and with the same enthusiasm that I did for this last one? Is it the having to accept the financial reality that is mine, without the illusionary belief (escape) in my ability to acquire more, easy money from gambling? Is it lingering guilt and regret, or a combination of all of these and maybe many more factors? I’m more than happy to work on my ’thing’ that has lead me back to gambling so many ***** before, but just what is this ’thing’? How can I fight an enemy that I cannot recognize or understand the motivations of?
I’m simply left tense and waiting, on guard. For what? I don’t know, all I know is that I can’t gamble and later on, I’m told (by others and myself), it’ll be easier and I’ll feel better and understand myself more. So…OK, this is my goal. Blind faith. Can’t live with it, can’t live without it. Day to (son-of-a-bitchin’) day.
I can easily see why cross-addiction exists because this **** ain’t easy, to the contrary, it’s extremely frustrating. Turning to the bottle or a pill would be so comforting at the moment.
*phew* That felt really good typing that!
ps – I also am a HUGE fan of Breaking Bad. Too bad it’s almost over. No need to panic though, Breaking Bad fans also enjoy Homeland and House Of Cards.
pss – Judging from your posts, Sirena, it’s obvious your educational background is substantial. Mine is limited. But in a strange way, it’s comforting to know that gambling addiction can suck us all in, regardless of whatever knowledge we’ve armed ourselves with. That we’re not ignorant freaks, just regular people who got unwittingly caught up in an addiction.
