[JohnNobody]

Hello Just to introduce myself and my first entry into my last journal. I am and have been a gambler all my life. I have tried countless times to stop. At times I have managed to stop gambling
for months at a time and at one point had gone almost and year and half. But something always dragged me back in. I have started countless diary’s
online at various places made numerous pledges to myself to stop. Ultimately I always failed. This is my introduction and the start of what will be my last diary and my last attempt to quit gambling forever.

Over the years I have lost everything. Businesses houses my marriage children everything. I now have very little. I am drowning in debt – debt that I can never hope to repay in this lifetime and I think of suicide as my only option many times – at least 1 or 2 times per day. I have called all the crises helplines. Had online intervention therapy but the result has always been the same.

I am not writing this on the back of another huge loss rather I have done okay the past few weeks when it comes to gambling. Even though I squandered alot of it back into the casino. Online gambling is my addiction. But it is the fact that when I gamble I make my situation worse. When I gamble it takes me away from my work. When I gamble it disturbs my sleep. When I gamble I don’t eat or eat improperly. When I gamble I isolate myself from the world. I have no friends left but do have 2 family members I love and care about deeply. But even those 2 when I gamble I ignore. When I gamble the sense of filling that lonely void (caused my gambling in the first place) is temporary and false. When I gamble win or loose I am without hope.

So today I need one last try. If I fail that will be the end of me. If I succeed I may just have some chance of reclaiming my life. I am at rock bottom. That dark place and I feel worthless as a person.

Day 1.

[Nimetön]

Hi John Somebody, what an open and honest post. I am so glad you decided to give recovery another go. You describe how I felt less than six weeks ago and reading your post I realised that the awful thoughts about suicide are gone!! You have been in recovery before John and you know how quickly thinking becomes more positive. You are joining a community of people here who are genuinely interested in helping you on your journey into recovery. I think once in recovery the secret is to always continue post on here and remember you are never recovered..once a compulsive gambler always a compulsive gambler. But as you have learned life can be great when you are a compulsive gambler who doesn’t gamble.

If you can’t pay the debts John you can’t pay them. Get one of those debt charities to sort them out for you so you can pay back what you can. The sooner you do this the sooner you will have peace of mind!! They can’t get water out of a stone!!

You don’t say which type or types of gambling you are drawn to but as you know putting barriers in place will prevent you from gambling when the temptation gets too much for your willpower alone.
Someone once said to me : ”there’s little in life that can’t be helped through talking”. So please check out the times of the support groups on here a join in the chats. Your past does not have to be your future. Staying gamble free will give you a great future!! I am looking forward to your be t post!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Sad68 thanks for your comments. I cant reply much right now as my head and body is a mess. Gambling hangover (along with the remnants of an alcohol induced one.) But my main form of addiction is online gambling. Casinos any game and stake. No system. Just total addiction. And yes you are correct we will always be addicts …. but Christ to be able to be an addict that chooses not to partake in there addiction.
Thanks again for your reply and support. I have read each word.

JS.

[JohnNobody]

The day has passed. Wretched feeling wretched day. My hangover is abating somewhat. But the dark cloud and sense of depression that deep sick feeling in your gut persists. I remember how life used to be. Full of people. Full of energy and how block by block my addiction destroyed ALL of that.

I find it hard to focus on work. Hard to focus on living a healthy life. My diet these past weeks has been shocking. I get those urges to open up a casino and deposit. It cripples me with its intensity. I know there is blocking software but that is no good for me. I can take such things to bits within an hour.

I need to do this cold turkey. I need to be able to overcome the urge to give into my life long addiction which started when I used to earn money on a paper round and pump my ”wages” into a machine.

I also lost my mum to cancer 4 weeks ago. A horrible horrible time. I turned to gambling. The bright flashing lights, the promise of a win. It was an escape from the reality’s of the death of someone whom you loved so much. At least I am glad to have found the presence of mind to post here.
JN.

[Nimetön]

Hi John. Perhaps you need to speak to someone about your loss. You are deeply in grief! Gambling won’t help as you realise. Of course you are at a low ebb right now but things wl improve. Alcohol as you know is a depressant.My world always looks really bleak the day after alcohol.

Don’t be too hard on yourself right now. Yes you can get around gambling blocks but when u are determined to stop, they can give you that valuable time to think things through .. Through to the end of a gambling session when you realise you money is all gone ! There are quite a few of us who have just stopped gambling. Join in the groups and we will a support each other!! You will do it John. Be kind to yourself.eat well , relax, take exercise. Give yourself time and permission to grieve. Put those barriers in place. They will remove the impulsiveness from the situation. Things will get better.

[Dunc]

<

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Sad68 well yes maybe I should but we are busy as a family trying to make sure my dad is okay so we have to be strong for him. Thank you for your other points I do see how blocking software can work for many people. I will be checking the site later today to read what others go through. thanks.

[JohnNobody]

Thank you for all your replies and comments. I have and do read them all. My mind is all over the place right now. Grieving for my mum or trying to. Sometimes I feel numb. feel nothing. Emotions all over the place. My father is old and lost since mum died. I do not enjoy my life. I go through the whole day with a sick feeling inside my stomach. It only eases if I gamble or if I drink. The perfect thermo nuclear mix is gambling and booze.

I did not drink today but wanted to. But know that the darkness of the depression that follows could send me over the edge. I gamble to escape and hate myself for it. I gamble to try win back 35 years of losses. I gamble to win back a family I lost. I gamble to win back businesses ruined and homes repossessed. Even when I win I always loose.

Loneliness at the moment is also crippling due to where I live and the fact I work for myself from home. All the elements of my life seem temporary unstable and disjointed. The icing on the this pile of shit is I am a compulsive gambler.

JN

[Nimetön]

John, I have great admiration for you. You are making positive choices at a time when it would be easy to excuse your drinking or gambling!! You will make it this time.. You are determined and seeking help and support !!

[Nimetön]

John, also wanted to say don’t under estimate what a support u are being for ur dad just by being there. He relies on ur support and it is great that u can be so selfless when are grieving yourself ! You are at the same time working hard to overcome a tough addiction! Well done all round!!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Sad68. I have used up all my excuses when it comes to gambling a long time ago. And they have been times when I felt my head is going to implode along with my guts when I have been on a bender …. old horrible destructive habits that are so hard to break. But if I do not try I will not survive. This really is the last throw of the dice. I do not say this for pity or effect. I say it only because I can here with a layer of anonymity. I cant say these things anywhere else. Ty for your reply and support.

[JohnNobody]

When I gamble I don’t work. If I don’t work I don’t earn
I am self employed. When in the midst of a gambling frenzy everything goes to hell. Sat now in a bar drinking beer. Watching everyone else lead there lives…. I feel like I’m stood outside looking through. The loneliness even when out is crushing. I am tired of all the mess and destruction I have caused. Why did I have to become an addict???????#¿!

[Nimetön]

Hi John, I asked Charles in the group ”why me” . He replied ” why not you ?”. I think it’s all part of our journey to becoming who we are meant to be! A fine metal doesn’t leave the ground as a beautiful ornament. It has to melted and hammered in order to become a thing of beauty! I see the gambling years as similar.. Life giving me a good battering so I can become much better. So yes it’s really hard right now but Things will get better!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Sad68/ well we are all trying to give him support. Maybe I should move in with him for a while not sure. Try get myself straight. Lots of dont knows. Thank you for your reply.

[JohnNobody]

Did hardly no work yesterday so no much needed money earned. My rent looms on the horizon and I still have only paid half of last months rent. Gas / Electric is due. Council tax screaming hard. Only been here less than 2 months in the flat and already its out of control.

I took a drink to blank out the pain. Was too drunk to work when I got home. I forgot to eat last night. My stomach is in bits. This morning self excluded from another casino. But they are many more out there.

Today I try again. Downloading some software I need for a project I want to launch. Will work to try earn something towards rent payments. Also I have a son who lives abroad. Miss him terribly. He was over for my mums funeral. I promised him I would be over soon to see him. That has not happened so far.

Its cold outside and my flat is in chaos …. it all seems to be falling apart. Cold turkey again today. No booze no gambling. But its always easy to adhere to abstinence when you feel like hell.

[JohnNobody]

Managed some work today. Output was at around 65% which is a damn sight better than what it has been lately. Time to start walking again (thanks Vera for the heads up!) and time to get my clothes in the laundry. I have nothing clean to wear and must look half insane by now when I do go out side.

I did go out to the shop. Bought my ”dinner” all unhealthy hand food. Makes you feel tired all this junk food. Tomorrow at least I will do 1 thing and try to modify my diet. Bottled water – fresh fruit, no starch and defo need to try go gluten free! In the past when I have done junk food detox it did help. So what have I got to loose ??

Meeting up with my father tomorrow he coming over with my brother. Will spend a few hours with him. I am looking forward to that.

I know I am prone at the moment to wild mood swings (but I know I am not bi-polar) and I have a delecate balance that can be easily disturbed and can lead me into the waiting claws of the online casinos. Well I had a date last week. First one in an age. Met her online. The night went well we even kissed. Then nothing. I wont chase …. but it made me think about how hard it is sometimes to be single in a world seemingly full of couples.

The above got to me and made me think about many things lacking in my life and how I try to replace that lacking and those mega black holes with the even emptier hole of gambling. I need to understand fully the thought processes of what gets me to gamble – if I can accomplish that maybe just maybe I stand a chance of reprogramming myself to circumnavigate as many triggers as possible And trust me I have 100s if not 1000s of triggers that can lead to my embracing my addiction.

Earned a bit of money today. Lost none. Its not what I need but its something. I really hope I can sleep tonight. 2.12am wide awake and wired. Been drinking canned cola (without vodka) thinking about my mother. I miss her deeply.

[Nimetön]

Hi John. Hardest thing in the world losing your mum! It will just take time john.
Well done on earning and not losing! Takes A lot of self discipline to be self employed. Hope you enjoyed the time with your dad. Living with your dad might be a good idea. It would give you company . Important thing John is to stay gamble free and then you can make choices rather feel forced into things because of your financial situation. Visiting your son is great motivation to stay gamble free and to save. You have a lot going on in your life right now John! Keep strong

[charles]

Hi John,

Take an honest look at your finances. Not gambling will obviously improve them but take a look anyway. Can you pay your bills? Can you meet any debt repayments? Can you do those things in a manageabel, sustainable way if not gambling? If the answer is yes, great. If the answer is no though then get proper financial advice. The Citizens Advice bureau is a good place to do that in the UK or http://www.stepchange.org/ both offer free, impartial advice here in the UK. They can help you get things to that manageable, sustainable place.

Keep posting and maybe I will see you in a group later.

[JohnNobody]

Spent a few hours with my father. Took him for some lunch. We bought a flower stand for my mums grave. I am going up Sunday for the afternoon to visit mum, take flowers. I don’t feel at ease in the cemetery but I know it brings some kind of comfort for my father.

Bought some fruit milk and 1.5 litre of cola. Thats dinner. The cola will keep me awake which is good as I need to work. My intention is to work through the night and try raise some money. Rent day approaches with break neck speed. And my desire to fly out and see my son is strong.

The gambling urges come strong and fast. I am not sure working from home , alone is the best for me. Slept for an hour around 6pm. Body clock is messed up.

Charles, maybe I will go back to Citizens advise. But my debts are way past any kind of financial order. My only real choice would be to go for bankruptcy. I must be over 100k in debt. Plus being self employed makes it harder to get financial orders in place. I will have to look again at that.

Sad68 = thank you for your comments and yes loosing any loved one is harder than a person can imagine. This was my first experience of close family death. It hit us all hard.

” Important thing John is to stay gamble free and then you can make choices rather feel forced into things because of your financial situation” < very true words. So many times I have made choices based on the outcome of a gambling frenzy and those choices were invariably tainted and wrong. The viscous circle. It has to be broken.

[JohnNobody]

5 Am Wide Awake!

Been a tough day. Yesterday actually now that I look at the clock. Been up since around 10am yesterday morning and still awake now at 5.45am the following morning. Managed to work some earn some. Sleep patterns get all messed up with gambling. And its not just the gambling its what it does to your brain function and outlook on life which can be and is so destructive.
I am spending far too much time thinking about the past and what is lost that it is holding me back from trying to embrace any kind of future at the moment. The first rumblings of Christmas have already begun and I am dreading it!!! Another wasted year …. and then having to watch as the rest of the world goes nuts all for 1 day in the year.

First Xmas without our mum … spent last year with her. Maybe if I can manage it I will go someplace over that period. See my son or just take a long bus ride to no where in particular. Let us see what tomorrow (today) brings!!!

[JohnNobody]

Could not sleep until around 8.30am this morning. Then when I finally crashed it was not a restful sleep. Kept waking up. Did not feel like getting out of bed but had to drag myself to the computer to do some work. But it is slow. Today is a bad day. I could scream ….. I detest myself for what I have destroyed these past years.

[slotjunkie]

Did see you say when I first came in you banned yourself from a casino. what a great thing you did. I have done that with the two I used to visit in my state. That really keeps from going as I have never been jail and do not want to be in one because of my gambling. Also as I was looking thru all the posts it seems you have lost your mum lately. When my mom died my compulsive gambling was at its worst. It is hard but things will get better. It has been 10+ years. l be thinking of you. If you ever need someone to talk to I am here.

[JohnNobody]

Hi yes I did , have done it many times and I admit it always gives me back a small bit of power over that ”1” casino. I can identify with what you said when you lost your mum and the gambling. Its insane that we even think giving into our addiction will make the pain go away. It may numb it falsely on a temporary basis but the morning always comes and things I know then are always much worse. Thank you so much for your message of support.

[JohnNobody]

Could not stand the isolation of the flat a moment longer. So found myself in a bar. The beer dulls the pain. Thoughts strong on gambling today. I have become totally socially isolated apart from 1 brother and my father. But they live 15 miles away.

Social isolation just one of the many ’rewards’ bestowed upon me as a thank you for my addiction and my inability to over come it. I should be working now. Still 200 short on what I need for next week. But right now I could not care less. They can throw me on the street.. Makes no difference.

[JohnNobody]

No Vera they do not. My brother used to. It is an impossibility for me to put this into them at this time with the recent loss of my mum. Good luck with your endeavours of emptying the bedroom

[micky]

Hi John just to reiterate what vera was advising i too am having dark thoughts and i am in touch with the samaritans everyday at the moment , i have stopped drinking and my head is clear, one thing i do when i can’t sleep is watch nightime t.v rather than lie there in bed tossing and turning. I too have no g.a near me , i have recently read a book called ”overcoming gambling” by Philip mawer and i carry it around with me now. In the book it asks you to picture yourself when your 80 , 1, sitting at home in your favourite armchair. 2. Living rough and relying on getting a shelter to sleep in now and again. I know it’s hard hitting but phillip says it like it is carry on gambling and you know where you end up. Keep posting . Micky.

[JohnNobody]

Hi thanks for the comments and yes Micky I have heard of that book. I am glad its helping you through your own very difficult time. Its frustrating not having any GA near me so I know what you mean about that. Maybe I need to finally go back to my GP and get some meds of some kind. Take care Micky

[micky]

Definetly go to your GP John , medication will help and be honest tell him/her everything . Micky

[JohnNobody]

Well did not gamble yesterday despite have had some drinks. I did finally stop short of a total binge. Came home cooked some rather bad food and then somehow managed to do 2 hours work. Vera thanks for your messages yesterday. It actually made a difference! I really have to get on top of this situation and get my life kick started again!!! Feeling okay in that I did NOT gamble. One day at a time.

[JohnNobody]

Yes Micky tomorrow decided will go and register with the local GP and then get an appointment and will see what kind of support / help could be given. thanks.

[micky]

One day at a time John” YOU” said it. Keep it going and you will be fine 🙂

[JohnNobody]

Went to visit my mother’s grave. A few of my brothers arrived. Laid flowers, my father put a cross in the ground. We all grieved in our own way. Windy day. A day without gambling. Another day. Need to keep fighting thus bitch of an addiction.

[micky]

Keep strong and positive John it’s early days for your grieving i lost my mam in february it does get easier and keep strong for your Father he will need you to be there for him 🙂 Micky.

[JohnNobody]

Yes Micky it is. And I know our dad needs us. I am so sorry to hear of your own loss Micky of your mum. You know how hard it is but also life continues for us all. Thanks for your support and words. JN

[micky]

No bother John anytime 🙂 we all have different coping mechanisms you will find your own in time. Today im on my 10th day without gambling i’m taking it one day at a time i have a second book ”overcoming compulsive gambling ” by alex blaszynski it’s really helping me reading up on it and they haven’t cost me anything because i got them from the library 🙂 I am going to purchase both books and keep reading them 🙂 Micky

[JohnNobody]

Micky that is great that you are on your 10th Day without gambling!!! If you can do 10 you can do 20 … and so on! Taking what ever forms of support you feels help is good. I have made some choices and am forming plans of where I want to be in the coming months. None of it includes gambling.

[JohnNobody]

Had a kind of productive day. Am working on ideas to get my work / business life restarted. The work I am doing now pays a few bills and could bring an ”ok” life (if I dont gamble) but the job is rote without challenges or any kind of creativity. I need more.

My own challenge is how to start again from zero point which is where I am at. But at least it has filled my time researching the market so to speak. See how I could proceed. It has meant no gambling and allowed me to feel a bit better in myself. First time I have felt some hope in a long long time. I am now determined to overcome my addiction and will do everything in my power to cease ALL gambling. I am going to call this my day 1. As in my head I feel ready. Finally I have something to work towards which does not involved depositing my guts at a casino! onwards….

[JohnNobody]

Just had strong urge to deposit into a casino. Stopped myself. Came here. Day 2 fully clean. Need to focus focus focus!!! It always starts with ”just £10.00” which then invariable turns into a savage assault on my already very delicate finances and ends up with my meager bank balance being at 0.00 or close to 0.00.
Have hit uninstall. And focusing on what it feels like when the win does NOT come in and I walk away with nothing. Rant over …. moment passing!

[micky]

Well done John on resisting the urge , give yourself a pat on the back and be happy as you will always be from now on. Micky.

[micky]

I just checked out Betfreds profits for last year they were only £69 million , i used to use there bookmakers not any more . My money is better spent on me and my son not on greedy horse killing , greyhound killing , human life destroying and killing in some tragic cases and the list goes on. Just another way of looking at it John. Micky.

[JohnNobody]

Yes MIcky makes you think dont it ? …. and you make a great choice everytime you decide to spend your OWN money on YOU and YOUR son! Betting shops even though not my thing I know have changed now and are more like mini casinos but with much worse odds. Gone are the days from the past for the occasional bet on a dog or horse. But that dont matter to me as I can never do occasional. The FOBTs are a disgrace to this country and should be banned outright! But thats a whole other topic. cheers JN.

[JohnNobody]

Feeling today has been a good day overall. I did not gamble and overcome a strong urge to make a ”small” deposit. A few years ago when I lost my business it took with it a job I loved. It involved having to be creative, working at break neck pace and was always changing. When the business went under all that was lost and I was lost.

The Job I am doing now is rote and boring but is a means to an end. A possible way to build up the capital for my ”restart” in life. I have spent the last few days going back to the places online where I used to frequent so often when I had it good. It felt like going home lol although much has changed with that industry in the 3 or so years I have been out.

It has kept my mind focused and alert and has increased my tentative hope for the future. I am starting from nothing and have to earn every penny to begin again as I cant even get a bottle of milk on credit. I have no idea if I will succeed but I am determined to give it everything I have.

Coming to this forum and the support I have in my short time here has helped me immensely I am so grateful for that and to you all. I have a long long way to go and the journey has only just begun. But if I with all my failings can think about starting again without gambling then so can others.

[Nimetön]

Hi John,I remember when my dad died, every ’first’ was so hard. The first Christmas after, his first birthday after, my first birthday after.. Someone said to me once that if u go to a wedding the only person who is genuinely interested in what u ate at the dinner, whether u skipped dessert, whether u thought the cake was dry etc is your mum. It’s a huge loss John, but your mum has also prepared you for this in her own way.. You ability to cope is thanks to her. It may not seem like it to you but you are coping on. It’s one of the most difficult times if your life and you are making plans, thinking ahead and dragging yourself to that computer to do some work. It’s cliched but your mum would be relieved that u are coping!!
Hang in there. Stay away from the addictive behaviours ( like I have a cheek to say that to anyone) get your money together and plan that trip !! build those great memories for your son to look back on! U are doing really well John. Just hang in there! If u must look back remember the horror and panic of the realisation your money is a gone! Remember things which wl keep you clean. The rest let it go…,

[JohnNobody]

Hi Sad thankyou for your words. I know through what you have written that you have gone through your own pain. And yes those first moments for everything are terrible after loosing a much loved one. The last 2 sentences you wrote really do resonate with me and others I hope.

[JohnNobody]

I have read through Vera! Horrendous. Have posted on your thread x. The detour will only DOUBLE your debt not your ability to pay it off! Even if you did win (which you probably wont) you will give it all back and more! Please please reach out to someone!!! You can do this Vera and think that meagre payment of your CR debt is at least a payment. And is positive. Gambling is not positive and will only make matters worse. Keep posting!

[vera]

Thanks for your supportive posts John!
I don’t usually vent on a public forum about domestic issues, but the alternative is to ”stuff” my emotions into a slot machine which, as we know only adds to our problems.
Of course there are two sides to every story. My son’s ”issues” are ongoing. His life is in a mess and ”IT’S ALL MY FAULT!” He stays away for weeks/months on end. I keep calling and texting him. I nag my husband and other son to do likewise to make sure he knows we care. He perceives that as ”control”! He ignores us until HE decides he is ready to make a visit home. Obviously, against his wishes and when he needs to ”escape” from whatever is happening in his life. Sometimes his visits start off well! He has a very good personality when he is in a good mood. I love to see him coming home. The place ”lights up” initially! He can be charming and funny and entertaining at times. He helps a lot. Cuts the lawn, serves meals, washes up etc. etc. BUT all of a sudden his mood switches and it’s always as a reaction to something I say or do. It’s as if he is looking for an opening to unleash his anger. I used to wait for my chance to ”raise a row” then run for the door and go to the slots so I am no stranger to his ”plots”! I feel he targets me probably because I am the only authority figure in his life and we are very alike in many ways! ( He had to leave four secondary schools (guess why!) so never completed his education) . His father is a wimp and has given up on D years ago. Yet he sneers and laughs and does nothing to discourage his son from verbally abusing his wife! Coward! My other son hates conflict and although he is very gentle and sympathizes with me and thinks his brother’s behaviour is unacceptable, yet he never supports me at the time. For that reason I’m now SICK of the lot of them just now! I don’t want to put myself across as a totally ”innocent victim”. I’m not! I do retaliate and ”give what I get”! What bugs me is, every time we are together as a family, this dysfunctional pattern recurs and I always come out the ”worst for wear”so I am planning to make changes to protect myself from being the scapegoat/punchbag in future! I cannot change anybody else but I can take action to protect myself!
Only hubby and myself here today.
I won’t waste my breath talking to him . I said enough last night ! He knows how I feel and guess what. He is ”hiding” in his workshop!
I’m back from making my payment to the CU. Better to put 500 where it belongs rather than in to a slot machine!

[JohnNobody]

Vera I am just working at the moment but will write more later but want to say that you have shown incredible strength to go and make that payment rather than shove it down the ever hungry mouth of the vile slots! You made the RIGHT choice! and made that choice under adverse circumstances. Be very proud of that.

It is when we DO NOT Gamble in those moments where we have every seemingly right reason to that a person can say they are battling hard to overcome the addiction. You are proof of this! It sounds so hard on you right now with the trouble with you son and lack of support. I am glad you are reaching out. You need to! No matter what your sons issues these are not solved by making you a punch bag or scape goat. And I say that with all respect to your son who obvs is having difficulties in his life which must hard to see.

You mention making the argument to get the excuse to go gamble. I have lost count of the times I have engineered negativity just to excuse my addiction. You are not alone on that but the fact you are aware of it is so positive. I have managed to write more than I thought I would have time for 🙂

Rant away type / post what you need to and I and I know others will support you Vera. Hugs from across the pond. JN

[JohnNobody]

Status Update:
Been away from here a few days. Just working, trying to get my head straight. I go through these roller coaster emotions many times. Much more has happened this year than I have given here. All of this plays a part of my mind set and emotional state. But at least as this year drags to its end I am starting to get a clearer view of what I need to do and where I need to be with my life.

Starting from nothing is hard but also means I have freedom to do what I want and need. I have no friends not 1. When your on the up everyone wants a part of you. When you slide you really do find out about other peoples nature. But fact remains I am isolated. I have a fragmented family for 1 reason or another and wake up many mornings thinking how can it be at my age mid 40s that I have no one in my life ? It can be crippling.

Tonight is fireworks night. Family’s out, people having fun. I dread it. As I dread xmas. I will stay inside and work. Every $ is one step further to rebuilding and a ticket to go see my son.

2015 will I think see me exit the UK. There is nothing for me here. My father is off to see his family in Italy early December for a month. I am so glad for him. Slowly he comes to terms with the death of our mum. For me its about quitting gambling for good and trying to rebuild my life before I run out of energy. Rant over. 🙂

[icandothis]

Hi John, I have been reading through your thread. I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. I have lost my mom more that two years ago, and it has been a struggle recovering from the loss and recovering from compulsive gambling at the same time. I also know that it wasn’t just her loss I was recovering from but the days and years leading up to her death. She had dementia so I was her caregiver, but I also witnessed her steadily decline. Each change for the worse, was a loss for me along the way. This may be the same for you. It’s not just the loss of your mom, but the entire ordeal, from the time you learned she had cancer to when you lost her. This takes a lot out of a person. After my mom passed, it felt like I was going through a series of after shocks. I still wonder how I was able to get through those final days.
I am sharing because I wonder if you might be experiencing the same. Every one is different.
I do see a similarity in that I see, like me, your tendency to be hard on yourself. I can tell you not to do that, but it probably will take some time for you to come around. I also see a similarity in your desire to change and rebuild your life…and to do it now. The problem with that is, every time I have a bit too much to drink, or lash out at my husband, or fail to start exercising yet again, or I don’t see any improvement in our finances, I think…what’s the use, I will never change and my life will never change.
You have a strong desire to rebuild your life and that is why you are going to do it. It will happen, but it might not happen over night. Be patient, take it one day at a time, one baby step at a time. We are all a work in progress. I can honestly say my life is better than it was two years ago, although I do wish I had gone to see a counselor.
Kind of a long post. I said something like this to Micky, and it applies to you. It takes great courage to see our weaknesses, the areas of our lives we wish to change and then take the steps necessary to make those changes. You are doing that…you are rebuilding your life one step at a time, one day at a time. I applaud you!!! Bravo!!!

[JohnNobody]

Glad so glad 5th November is over! The past 3 years I have dreaded the run up to Christmas. Without what I used to know as my family. Apart from my son. Its a complex history. It all truly fell apart around about this time 3 years ago. The final collapse. The start of an horrible life journey a journey that I had no idea just how hard and soul destroying it would be. I am still on that journey now.

The fireworks have stopped almost. That is it for another year! Only Christmas day to get through. I hope I manage to spend that with my son. First Christmas without mum. I will be happy come Jan 1st. When seemingly the rest of world is down that the holidays are all but over I am just relieved that it has passed. Around 80% of my monumental failures in both business and personal life were and are due to my gambling.

It has to stop or I will cease to exist.

[kpat]

I hope you get to spend some of the Christmas holiday with your son. Many people dread the holidays because of being alone.
So you have a plan to get the funds together for the trip and by not gambling those funds away, I am sure you will be able to do it! You wont have to be so relieved to see it over if you get to be with the one you love.
I read through your posts and I must say the positivity in them is starting to really shine!
I had lunch with my Mom yesterday and you know, I actually thought of you and even though she was very negative, I was able to just enjoy being with her. You sharing your pain, made me appreciate her. It made me recognize how important it is to spend time with her. I am so sorry for your loss, I just wanted you to know that it made me recognize that I have been neglecting those I love for a long time now. Thank you for that!
When you get lonely, post here. I know we all are rooting for you! One day at a time.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Kpat thanks for your words. And yes it is so true to ensure we spend time with those we love as we never know when we will not be together. I am glad and happy you spent and do spend time with your mum. It is so important! I guess you know how it feels like sadly 🙁

I am on a final drive work wise to make sure I can at least fly out to see my Son xmas. Would rather spend it in transit than stuck in my flat. It has been a week almost since I actually spoke to a person face to face. Its a truly mad situation. I feel sometimes like I could explode. Thats what drives me to go out and get wasted in a bar or at least part of it.

Wish you all the best and good thoughts as well Kpat! JN.

[micky]

Thanks for your encouraging post john, a whole new world has opened up for me, i now have ambitions and goals to look forward to. My friend mentioned to me that it will be my first christmas without my mam ( yours too) i said to her from now on i celebrate death and all the good memories because there were plenty of them , yes there will be tears but only for a short while because im not letting any negativity drag me down anymore. Your posts are really positive and i’ll echo your sound advice ”keep at it ” 🙂 Micky.

[JohnNobody]

Today was hellish. I gave in to my addiction. All those plans I had in place those well meaning intentions went flying out of the window. I gambled. And I lost. Thats the hard facts. I had given myself reasons to gamble. Surly I could not loose.
I lost not only the money but time that could have been spent working and earning. And I lost myself again. Back to square one. So I need an action plan. It is really a matter of either overcoming this addiction or ending everything. I said that at the start of this new journey and that still holds true.

I understand about all the blocks. Not have access to cards / software to stop us visiting casinos online but for very personal reasons these are not an option for me. I have do this from inside from within. This is as much about total lifestyle change as it is getting a whole new perspective and mind set. I am at the point almost of no return.

Today yet again I failed as a father. I could have bought a ticket to see my Son who lives abroad. I did not. I gambled. So what is my plan and what is outcome I would really want ?

The outcome has to be to be able to live comfortably with the knowledge that I am a compulsive gambler who can never gamble. To be in control of the addiction. One day to be able to beat it fully. To be able to live a life of relative peace. Without sleepless nights, without going hungry because everything was gambled. To pay the rent ontime instead of dreaming up new lies to tell the landlord why they have not been paid. To look at myself in the mirror and say ”you know what I am ok”.

The ”Action” plan :
Write in my journal whenever I feel I need to. Even when I really feel I need to gamble.

Call the helplines when I feel the urge.

Call the helplines to begin to try make sense of my what I am feeling. This I will be starting tomorrow morning.

To learn more about this addiction , why and how it effects people. Knowledge I know is power if used in the correct way.

To gain better understanding of what being a CG is through reading what others are going through and where I can offer support and encouragement. In giving we also get so much back.

And finally to be as honest and as open as I can with people online and off that I am a compulsive gambler but a CG who is fully aware that he has NO option but to stop and stay stopped.

I am not going to feel sorry for myself. I am not going to waste energy beating myself up that I relapsed today. I have to again start to be positive about the future. I will not allow this addiction to beat me. So I take what I did on the chin. I accept I gave in to my urges. And again I am right back here at the starting point. Day 1 tomorrow which I hope will turn into day 2 and so on.

And finally I am going to immerse myself in work. I work from home – alone – but with the opportunity to effect what kind of income I bring in on a weekly basis. When I am gambling I earn nothing. Zero. So the hit is a double blow. Losses on both sides. I feel determined and strange I feel strong. Which I know can sound screwed up but I think of my son. I think of my family. I think of myself. I can not keep letting these people down.

[JohnNobody]

Hey Vera ) ”What do CGs do best?

Gamble!

Do we EVER win?

NEVER”

so damn true … wise words.
I understand what you say about the all or nothing part but thats a personal choice for me. It is something I have come to accept as a reality. But I am determined and am not out for the count. Love the bag of tools analogy … its what we need to do. Fill as many gaps as possible. Make and enable change within ourselves and start to actually have a life.

Your post got me thinking about just what a bad gambler I am. And im not talking the amount of money (and time) wasted (it is massive amounts over the years over 1.2 millon more probs with assets thrown in that were destroyed) but about how bad I am actually at gambling. If it moves I will bet on it. If it has some kind of sound or colour I will bet on it. Totally irrational , without any sense and doomed to failure. I cant even boast any major wins really apart from 1! That in itself tells me something.

Keep fighting Vera – we will all arrive at where we want so long as we dont give up!!!!!

[JohnNobody]

OK I have again joined Gamcare. Cant be a bad thing to have options. They have also done up the website. The forum is a bit better. Never understand why hey dont offer more features though such as PMs ect but suppose that goes against what it is all about. I was a member there a long time back for ages. But it all came to nothing.

Have managed to do some work. Earned a bit of ”honest” money which will arrive next week. I have £18.00 to my name and food for about 1 day. My next challenge is how to eat on such a low budget. Why on earth do I put myself in such a ridiculous situation.

I am aware from Monday or Tuesday money hits the bank. I will pay my rent in full for November. Pay my phone/net bill. Also got a dental appointment that needs funding. Plus another bill that needs urgent attention and of course my dear friend Council Tax who is about to implode any day now. I shall call the Council tomorrow morning.

I am about 70% there on the above with what I have earned so its going to be less sleep and more work for the whole weekend. No pub – no joy – nothing. My own doing. I had it there in front of me and I chose to gamble it.

Oh and final note to self on the above my flight ticket to see my son and some xmas gifts. Can I do this ? I have too.

[JohnNobody]

I rejoined gamcare. Could not face opening up my old account as it has posts from long ago. A time when I was married, had a family around me even though I was a compulsive gambler then as now , only difference being the amounts were bigger that I squandered back then. I squander less now not through being ”responsible” but through being flat broke. I also have noticed the heel of my shoe is about to fall off. The joys of a CG!

But more importantly I was reading through some posts on GC. Saw old familiar names. People I interacted with back then. And then saw the Diary ”Charly’s life” author Sabine. It is now pinned to the top of that section. It was with a heavy heart I read Sabine passed away a few years ago but her diary plots her journey through addiction to recovery. It should be read by all who are struggling to overcome there addiction.

Even in the face of her own impending death she continued to post messages. Makes my issues seem so insignificant. I remember her from the past. And how she inspired others and through her diary which has been kept open , I suspect still does. We have but 1 life and so have to make the best of what we can. I can spend hours glued to a labtop watching wheels spin round and yet struggle to focus on the simplest things in life. Its total mental and there we have a woman Sabine who knew she was dying but kept encouraging others. For me this is inspirational.

[JohnNobody]

I dug up some of my old posts on GC. Could only skim through them. Way to painful to read. I started my first thread back in 2006!!! Can not believe it was that long ago. And god how in denial I was.

Back then I was just about to make my first million that year. And did by the Christmas of 2006. Fast forward to November 2014 and I am debating if I can afford a half or full liter of milk.

It’s 3.55am – somehow I have managed to do some decent work. For that I am content. It has not been a total wasted day. Irony is if I had won I would have defo gone out to celebrate which would have meant money spent on alcoPops and then the hangover next morning which would have effected my ability to work through the day and night…..

Small mercies we should all be thankful for.

[micky]

Sorry to hear about your relapse John but i’m so glad your upbeat about it and ready to go again, you will beat it if your determined to , i have a saying ”I will never give up giving up ” I think that applies to you too . 🙂

[JohnNobody]

Hi Micky thanks for the words of support. It is okay. I take responsibility for my own actions. I did not ”think” or even stop to ”think” before I started the binge. Read on another thread something you said about that and the steps needed to assess a situation.

Yesterday is gone , history there is nothing I can do to change the past. Its now today and the tomorrow and so on that counts. 3 Jobs on my immediate list today. Self exclude from another casino account I still have open. For some reason not looking forward to that as the rep has been ”okay” with me! And even though its one the casino I actually hate the most its one I have struggled with most over the years. But it has to be done. Then I will be calling the gamcare Netline. And after that a trip to the bookmakers , only 1 in town and self excluding from there.
Hope your good Micky keep never giving up ever! Cheers John

[JohnNobody]

Good idea Vera on buying the flight tickets! I have until Monday morning 5am UK time to get my earnings as high as possible. I am still a few 100 short to cover everything I need to pay next week but every £$ over my target is spendable income. (apart from 150k of ”other” debts) So thats what I am aiming for. This weekend starting now will be me in the flat head down working and spending time here. I hate the isolation I really do and even though this sounds pathetic i wish there was a friend someone I could meet in the real world. But there is not. So I have to just make the best of what it is right now.

My brother arrived in the place I live a short time ago. But it was a quick visit. He was stressed seems to have no time to talk to me. I tried to but he has other plans. Am pisssssed off about that. So anyway came home. Made coffee. The world goes on outside and I will work. Onwards.

[JohnNobody]

Yes Vera I hear you on family members. I really do. And it is good you are putting your self first at this time. You need to! Avoid those triggers they can spell doom for us if we allow them to get a hold of us as they have with me.
I have alot of brothers and a sister but they live there own lives and I hardly ever speak with them these days. Its sad we were a close family at one time. Not so now. And its even worse since mum died. They all have wives / girlsfriends and so on. I am seen as the outcast. The failure. They avoid me. When on rare times we are together such as mums funeral it was tense, polite, but not loved up. I gave up making an effort long ago. I probably wont see any of them until the ”next” funeral. Pity party over. We have to keep moving forward Vera!!!

[JohnNobody]

Day 1 No Gambling. That is something. Been an up and down day. My brother has a house in the same area I live at but is living with my father at the moment. He had no time for me. I was looking forward to at least having some communication and a chat. Came away after 15 minutes feeling tense and angry.

All he went on about when I tried to explain some of my situation is make my home nice. Fill cupboards with food. Dont worry over Christmas you can enjoy it on your own ect ect. I could have screamed. A total lack of understanding. I am truly having to do this journey alone.
Someone in the chat yesterday spoke about giving my cards to a family member. Truth is I know no body that I can do this with. No one. I did not want to explain that in the chat and the relationship with my family has all but broken down. Apart from my father who is old and soon to go abroad to spend a month or so with his family.

But it is okay. My time will come I wont forget who was not here for me. People run fast when your on your way down. The same people who certainly benefited in years gone by and enjoyed the food the drinks the travel that were given at my expense. Its a hard lesson to learn. And a very humbling one.

One bit of good news I am getting my money through earlier so only have to go until Monday evening and I will be able to clear rent payments, and I hope BUY A FLIGHT TO DK! I have some food in and a tiny bit of money. I can swing this. One thing for sure the gambler can work out ways how to get out of and survive tough situations. We do it all the time when blowing our brains out at the casino or card table.

Only 2 possible ways next week could fall apart money wise:
1: I earn nothing more this whole weekend (still short on what I need but closing the gap) not so likely. Unless BT cut me off which they have said they did not.

2: I gamble. So expect me here lots in the coming days. I can NOT Gamble I would be totally screwed!

And finally off todays mini bucket list :
Casino XYZ request for self exclusion. No reply yet. They are vile like this and go slow on such things. But its okay as tomorrow I will shout loudly on a public gambling forum and shame them into banning me if they do not follow through on my request. I also told them I am highly unstable with money and cards and often charge back (I dont but it scares the shiiiiittt out of them) and usually gets me banned for life! All good stuff.

Spoke to Gamcare netline. Will be calling again tonight. There could be a support group somewhere close by they are gonna let me know.

Did not exclude from the bookies. Will do that tomorrow. And did not phone the council for the CTax. That I have to do Monday. So still here still fighting still prepared to give it my all.

Thanks all of you for your continued support it means the world!

Jn.

[charles]

Hi John, well done on the steps you have taken. Maybe see you in a group later. Stay strong over the weekend, when you go to exclude from bookies then go with empty pockets, just a passport photo.

[micky]

Well done john ”small steps” lead to” big strides” in the right direction 🙂 Micky

[JohnNobody]

Lol Charles had to laugh at the very good advise to go to the bookies with empty pockets. Good point 😉 I would not put it past myself to have 1 ”last” goodbye bet before I hand myself over…. ahhhh yes u are correct I shall go there with an empty wallet !

[kpat]

In the US, when times are really tough we say we will be eating Ramen noodles. Thats what college kids do when they are slap broke.
just add water they cost about 35cents.
I have been bringing them to work for lunch! I have to laugh or I would cry. You are so right that us gamblers can find a way to get by. Today is 24 days, still in debt but looking up.
Day 1 will be day 2 soon. I see filet mignon in your future!

[JohnNobody]

Aye Kpat I have heard of the revered Ramen Noodles. 😉 I recon I will be on similar tomorrow ha ha. But I have only self to blame. Its brill you are on day 24 and soon to be day 25!!! And for me day 2 has arrived without a bet. Im some ways off yet to the filet but maybe next week and I can upgrade to bacon sandwiches and coco pops. Keep looking up!!

[JohnNobody]

1.25am been working most of the night. I need to do a few more hours but am feeling really tired. Im on target to reach my target financially for next week but feel guilty if I down tools now. Need to try do at least 1 more hour. Every £$ counts at the moment! So came here read some other peoples journals, made a few comments and came here. Because Kpat mentioned above Raman noodles and situations we get ourselves into. It really is totally irrational when you really think about it!!

Here I am piiss broke. Eating garbage for dinner , tired stressed the past few days. Holes in my shoes, rent that stills needs paying … plus tons of other piles of mess. All because of what ? chasing some damnn dream at the casino. The chance to win big. It happens each and every-time I gamble. If I win it goes back with interest If I loose Im depressed angry and hungry. Oh add guilt to that as well. It really does make no sense!!!

I am tired sick and tired of living like this so it has to stop. Period. Feeling okay as im now day 2 again. Can I do this ??????

[JohnNobody]

I woke up thinking about this past year. Everything that has happened. I can with much confidence say that this year has been truly the worst of my life. More so even than when 3 years ago this month my relationship was falling apart. The end then was near although I did not fully know it.

Fast forward 2014. I moved to a small village in Jan 2013. And during that year made friends with people. Started to rebuild my life started to feel okay. Yes I did gamble but not to the extent I have done recently. Then around this time last year I was busy buying a pub in the village. It was a perfect opportunity. When I say buy I mean the business not the building. I managed to get the money together and life was again exciting. It was the first time in over 3 years I felt truly alive again. My 2nd chance at personal success. Jan 2014 I got the keys. A new start. New life. People were around me life was busy. Stressful but busy.

Then within 6 months it had all gone horribly wrong. The pub forclosed on me I was left with nothing. Not even a home. Every penny I had was sunk. I think I had around 100 quid to my name. Worse my son was over when I got thrown out. I remember during the last few weeks of being in the pub I started to gamble more and more. Chasing hoping that a big win would come and save me. Of course it did not. It just made a very bad situation so much worse.

I look back and today it feels bad. I did not actually loose the pub through gambling. It was other factors. But I still lost it. And even now it sometimes feels shocking that I am here. In a small flat. Knowing no one. Everyone from village no doubt laughed me out. No contacts remain from there. Then my mum died. It was quick – she was diagnosed with lung cancer stage 4 on the Thursday and the following Saturday less than 2 weeks from that day she died peacefully with her children and her husband by her side. My life collapsed then. It could not can not get worse. We went through arranging the funeral. Pain beyond anything. I started to close down. Started to gamble. Hardly did any work. I still have no idea how I funded it. But I did. Gambling was my escape. And it has been heavy these past 2 months.

Now here I am with all these memorys with the guilt of my past failures. I am trying to start again. I work, I earn, I am planning to rebuild 3rd time of trying. The job I do I do not like but it brings in money. But the failures and the losses from my gambling haunt me. And it holds me back. I need to overcome this need let go of the past. Need to be able to cry for my mum, I dont I keep it inside. Today I will speak to no one in the real world. Day will turn into night and night to morning. Nothing on the outside will change but inside It needs to change.
I am day 2 now. And know I will get to day 3. I have to turn my life around I have to!!! And this I know can not and will never come if I go back to gambling.

[p]

Hi there, just sending you a little note to say that we are thinking about you here and wondering how you are doing.. hope things are going well for you and you are getting through those gamble free days, if not keep trying, come back and post and read and chat.. it all helps, if you fall down, get back up…

P

[JohnNobody]

P how strange I just put a short message on your journal and come here and see you have written here. Thank you for your thoughts. It means alot. And yes whenever I get urges I come here post / read / educate. Or try to educate myself. Joined a few other sites as well. As Vera said keep the tool box full. You do the same post as and when you need to. Everyone is here supporting each other. Is that not so good!!!!

[JohnNobody]

Tomorrow is the big test for me. I have money landing in my bank. Its been a pretty rough weekend as I spent most of what I had on my last gambling frenzy. I just need to make sure tomorrow and the next day I dont give into the urges to gamble that I KNOW will be come strong. The money sat in the bank account. Waiting. I feel that If I can get through this next week then things on that front may become easier.

It was 7 weeks last night that mum died. I did not think about it. I pushed it away. Watched a movie about Howard Marks (Mr Nice) the hash dealer. True story. It was a decent movie and took my mind off things. Escapism sometimes does work.

Mum would not have wanted us to be all sad. I know that. But our family of 4 brothers and 1 sister we were so close at one time and now are scattered. That in itself is sad.
I am speaking to my Sons mum on skype tonight. Arranging xmas visits and such like. I just want to get through that 1 week period and begin the new year. I dread this period for a number of reasons. None more so than because last year it was all so different all so positive. And now ? well here I am.

My work output has been good. I have almost reached my own target. I have to stick with it most of the day and until around 4 or 5am into Monday. I wont have much left next week but wont owe rent of phone bills and so it can give me breathing space. I know I am gonna need to be strong though. As the online casinos are always waiting for my next deposit!!!!

[micky]

Stick it out John, you are already planning ahead and you know as you have said the urges will come so prepare yourself for them , you have worked really hard over the weekend don’t gamble tomorrow because you know that will ruin it, like Vera says tomorrow morning pick that box of tools up and use them wisely. 🙂

[JohnNobody]

Well another day almost done. No gambling. Been a slow one though today. Hard to concentrate. Have done some work. Went for a walk , cooked some food and read up on a few things. Tomorrow evening I will get paid for the work I have done the past few weeks. I am preparing in my mind not to gamble and to think before I act.

I spoke to my Sons mum. We split when he was a baby. Have had volatile relationship in the past but we get along okay most times. Apart from when she drinks she is then a nightmare. I have been invited over to Denmark to spend Christmas with her my son and her family in the northern part of DK. Alborg. I have accepted and so will fly out there around the 18th Dec. It means I wont fly in November to see him as cant afford 2 journeys. It was only a few years back sometimes I would fly 5 or 6 times a month. But no point looking back. What is gone is truly gone.

I have felt somewhat lighter in myself less of the depressed feelings. Starting to see some light and hope for the future. I am a member of a few other places now and Gamtalk seems a decent place with a very interactive forum etc. But as I read through about peoples battles with gambling it shows me just how much it can effect a person and the people around them. Quite depressing knowing so many are affected by this addiction. I have no idea what I would do with this place though these past weeks. It really can help to take the edge of things.

I no doubt will be doing my own posting frenzy tomorrow and the next few days. Im worried I go weak and gamble my funds.

[kpat]

I am very happy to read of your holiday plans. I am with Vera on buying that ticket asap! I think you should consider taping your son’s picture on your computer. It is hard to look our kid’s in the eye when we are planning to gamble.
You have recognized your risk, so put some sort of barriers in place to get you through the urges. I remember a story or maybe it was amovie where they put their cards in a bowl full of water and then in the freezer. It was funny, but maybe it would make us think, before we set off to self destruct.
I liked the list you made of your plan a few posts back. I keep re-reading my posts so The memory of my despair stays fresh.
Oh and dont forget you need a new pair of shoes!!

[JohnNobody]

A new week. 4 Days now sit between me and my last bet. At some point today I will again have access to money. Money I have worked for the past 2 weeks. I have been going over in my mind how it feels when I gamble – that in itself depresses me. And even worse how I feel when I gamble and I loose. I keep thinking on those emotions as a way to stop myself today or tomorrow from having just 1 deposit.

All online casino options are closed off to me as I have self excluded from every place I play at. But an addict is a determined creature and they are many more sites out on the net. But I am working to getting my mind set right. I spoke with my son on skype last night. He is doing well at school. They have a great education system in Denmark. And he just did his first days work at Mcdonalds 😉 Pays him a monthly wage plus he can spend 75 Kroner on food after his shift and of course the groovy Macadees uniform … but am proud of him. He is a good kid with his screwed on the right way despite his father been just a waste of space these past 3 years. But again day 4 on a new week. I am determined to see this through. To get straight and to finally start to rebuild my life and my business.

[micky]

Hi john my first day back at work went very well thank you for the encouragement and wise words 🙂 i hope your day is going well , gamble free ,and your using the tools out of that tool box 🙂

[JohnNobody]

Did not gamble – day 5. But could not have anyway due to there being a delay in getting my payments in for work done. Frustrating as I have a dentist appointment tomorrow which I cant cancel or I will get kicked off there patient list due to my changing appointments so many times in the past. Apparently gambling comes before the well fare of my gums and teeth!

I was also due to see my father today but cant travel yet as no money. He my dad has saved me though and is lending me money for the dentist fees tomorrow and to get some food. Am really grateful to him for this. I am I suppose no matter what feeling okay with being 5 days now without gambling. I thought about it too much last night and need to ensure I keep my mindset in the right place. The casino games can seem so alluring when we have not played them a while. Even though the rational part of me knows what they lead too. Have to keep fighting this and at the moment it is a struggle!!!

[micky]

Keep fighting it john ODDAT ( and don’t forget STAR) it’s a very useful tool , day 6 tomorrow then 7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14 ………………………………………………………….. 🙂

[JohnNobody]

Thanks Micky 😉 But what does STAR stand for ? brain dead here.

Today has passed no gambling. Not that hard to resist as I still have not been paid from a company who owes me a fair few $$$. Maybe thats a good thing. I dunno. But hope to god they wire tomorrow as I promised my landlord rent. Ironic if I dont pay due to an issue not related to gambling. Who would believe it huh….

Tbh I am not that phazed. I dont plan on being in this place long. The area sucks, the flat is sterile it works but I have never felt like it is home. In fact never really found a true home since the end of the marriage. That feels weary. I gamble many times due to lonliness. This is one thing I have worked out … its not the only reason but ”one” of them. I miss the gambling for sure. The escape of it all. I know I cant do it and have to keep pushing forward. But it takes so much energy.

I really can not wait to board a flight and get the hell out of here. Xmas in Denmark and then I think I will be off for good. I have few possesions. Going to travel light. My Labtop, a decent smart phone and tablet. A few clothes and im away. Rest of the junk I own I will either sell or give away.

My business plan can be implemented in any part of the modern or not so modern world. So long as I have a net connection. Lucky I can I think earn on the go to a certain degree. But to stay here in this place where I am now ? I know I would return to gambling to drinking in excess and would never have my restart. Fuuukkk to have a friend in the real world would be something. What have I done !!!!!!!

[kpat]

Remember the acts of kindness? We have a lot of places here that deliver meals or hand out food in soup kitchens. This idea has been brewing in my mind when I read your posts. It would get you out of that apartment and face to face with people. There are some really great people involved in that kind of thing. They can always use the help.
I think God intervenes in our lives, maybe these delays in your pay will help you stay straight when it comes.
In reading your story, I can tell you have a lot to offer the world. I believe you can overcome your past. You are already overcoming it! There is more to you than betting and working. Try to eat well, sleep, and stay sober:) The good things are waiting for you. You can do this!
Read your post on 11/6/14. Those were great plans to stay gamble free!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Kpat you raise some good suggestions in what you said. Maybe just maybe that is a possible. And could be part of my action plan. Which I have pretty much stuck to apart from self exclusion from the bookmakers in the high street. But that I will do next time when I am up that way. Have not been near the place since my last fall from grace.

I am I suppose an agnostic when it comes to faith. Neither closed nor fully open to it. But divine intervention could be seen as a good thing. Whos knows … who really knows ??

There was a person I was posting to on another forum gamcare but they seemed to have dropped away. For what reasons I do not know but think it could be due to going back to gambling. I have done that so many times. Not able to face to shame and guilt of letting others down. Even in this virtual world. But I refuse now to let this get the better of me and no matter what fail / success will stay the course.

Thank you for your words of encouragement and ideas …. you have a knack for that for giving random ideas I am starting to see!! 🙂

[JohnNobody]

Just logged into my gamCare account and saw the widget thing they have on my profile it reads in big letters

”I haven’t gambled for 6 days”

Woot Woo ….

[JohnNobody]

Payment for work I have been doing arrived in my account. I did NOT gamble. Instead my rent has been paid and im up ahead now until December. Dentist appointment – and my Phone bill are next. I would in times gone by have gone to find an online casino. The absurdity of this addiction.

[JohnNobody]

Took yellow roses to my mums grave. The sun was out but it was cold. My father cried in private. We stood at a distance. He always crys at his wife’s grave. Our mum. They were together over 50 years. We walked away. Took my dad for a drink. It felt good. I remembered I have not gambled today. And won’t even though I could. That also feels so good.

[micky]

Sounds like you had a nice day John , well done on not gambling ODAAT. p.s S.T.A.R. ( Stop- Think- Act- Review ) . 7 days tomorrow = 1 week . Another milestone , keep it going John. 🙂

[JohnNobody]

Spent most of the day with my father. Got back to the flat I had drank a few glasses of wine so could not work. Went to bed and woke up around an hour ago. 2.20am. Felt somewhat down about the past. Maybe it was the effects of the booze I dont know. Came online and found a casino I had NOT excluded from. I came close really close to running a deposit. I was there inside the account.

*REALITY CHECK*

S.T.A.R. ( Stop- Think- Act- Review ) < Thanks Micky Then I found the responsible gambling page for this casino and hit self exclude. My bank balance remains. Talk about taking it to the brink. But I managed to step back. The urge passes. Maybe I will do a few hours work. I cant sleep. Tomorrow will take that walk to the bookmakers in the town and run my self exclude from there. That can be too tempting for me these days even though I have never had for years a major addiction to bookmakers. I hate the places. They depress the hell out of me. But need to be sure! Its a full week now since my last melt down or close to that. I survived without gambling. And will I hope do so for the next week. Beyond that at the moment I can not focus. It is all about survival.

[kpat]

Great job coming back from the brink!
That is success!

[micky]

Thats brilliant john you are doing all the right things , congrats on your first week. 🙂

[JohnNobody]

Well I stayed up until around 4am Ish. Could not get back to sleep. Thoughts of gambling came strong. Just £20 I could make that into a £100 , usual self deceptions. Found a site a few days ago where you can watch movies for free. So spent 2 hours watching a film. Was not a good choice about people stuck on a train after the world had frozen over. Semi B movie type. But I did not gamble.

Managed to sleep and said to myself over and over to let go of the past and focus on the future. For some reason the demise of my business over 3 years ago seems to be hitting harder than ever. And I do NOT fully understand why. Dragged myself out of bed and am trying to do some work. Night time is best for me when the world goes silent outside. I prefer that for some reason at the moment.

I am trying to focus on the future. How I can rebuild from nothing. It is a slow process. My debts are huge. But I am firmly on 7 days now without gambling. But the thought of gambling is not far from my mind. This is the tough part. I have been here before and so many times have given in. I can not allow myself to do that this time around. But have no idea if I will succeed or not at the moment. Need to refocus and quickly. Thanks for your messages of support it means much.

[kpat]

Hey there, John. Time to post! How are things today? Hope you had a good one.

[JohnNobody]

Not sure what to say apart from yesterday again I failed. Am back on the quitting. It is all I can do. I can not afford anymore negativity in my life. Self excluded from the casino. Taken responsibility for my actions. I have only myself to blame. The only saving light at the end of this tunnel is I paid my rent and my phone bill. And did not go to 0.00 point so I wont starve this weekend.

But ultimately I have let myself down again. Sorry I can not give better news today good people.

[JohnNobody]

9 Weeks tomorrow night my mum died leaving a huge hole in all my family’s lives. I have made little progress since then tbh. Lots of good intentions that all ultimately come to nothing. They say life is to be lived … but these past 2 months and longer all I have done is survive. Emotions pretty much all over the place today 🙁

[micky]

Chin up john, everyone on G.T. has had relapses it’s how you deal with them . Never give up giving up. I know exactly how you are feeling regards your mam , i miss my mother terribly and it’s 9 months ago since we lost her. I always remember the good times and memories and when i visit her strewn area ( her ashes are scattered on her parents grave) i always have a good talk to her. So like i say keep your chin up and keep posting, don’t feel like your alone. 🙂

[Nimetön]

John, you know it is one of the most difficult addictions to break but you are working on it and probably making more progress than you realise. I too have had a recent relapse so I am also going through the aftermath . Your loss is so recent I feel you are amazing to be tackling this addiction at all. Hang in there John. One day we will wake up and realise we have years behind us!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Micky yes you will know how it feels as im sure many others do to loose one of the most important people in our lives. It comes in waves. Just on a real downer today. I should have visited my GP to try get some kind of help for my mood swings but didnt could not face it. Thanks for the words of support.

[JohnNobody]

It is a terrible addiction and cycle to break. Tried so many times over so many years. I cant give in now. I am finished if I do. I started this journal knowing this was my last chance and it holds true in so many ways. It does not feel like progress today. Maybe I hope that will change in the coming weeks. Thanks for your message of support it means much to me. John.

[JohnNobody]

Tried to sleep an hour this afternoon. I do that sometimes as I often work until 4 or 5am in the morning. My sleep is not again. Due in part to the gambling and the dissatisfaction I feel with my life. I am starting to make plans to leave this place I live in. Its a run down depressing area and I think it is not good for my own mental health.

I have a brother who lives in the USA ….. that’s the plan. But it only works if I do not gamble. Other wise I will be in this isolated hole forever. It is now time to change. I can do the work I do here from there. And who knows where it can lead me. Sometimes in life we have to enable change on every front. We get 1 shot at living. If it goes wrong or does not suit me then flats and towns like I am living now will always be waiting for me.

I need interaction again in my life. Can not stand much more of the solitude. I have many plans and an idea for my next venture but its not gonna happy here. If anything it gives me something to work towards. Which I am doing daily. and Nightly.

[p]

Thank you for your support on my thread.. it is good to see that you are still trying and moving forward.. john i have relapsed a gazillion times over the last five years.. its ridiculous, but i kept coming back to here and to GA and saying i have relapsed, every single time, i would be honest.. because if there is no honesty what is the point of recovery.. there is no reovery then.. so i would fall down and get back up many many many times.. i think everyone including myself thought, there is no way she will ever ever get it.. i didnt believe i could do it.. i am starting to believe i can do it, but i have days i dont think i can.. the best thing for me is attending GA meetings. It is wonderful support, coming here, posting, chatting.. also delaying the urge. The urge comes, i acknowledge the urge.. then i wait, i will wait half hour, or an hour, do something else, get busy, and also let people know what i am thinking so the urge is not a secret, it seems to lose its power when its outed.. post here, read, eat, clean, fix something, watch a movie, walk, exercise, talk to someone, have a coffee, meet with someone, get on the phone, read a book, look online, learn something, shop, window shop, go for a drive, buy something you need, get petrol, groceries, pay bills even some in advance if you can.. these are just all suggestions, these are things that help me.. i understand how hard this addiction is to face some days.. it has been the biggest struggle.. but it can be done, there is hope…
if i can be gamble free right now with how impulsive and crazily frenzied i am as a gambler, anyone can..
I just want to say never give up.. never ever give up.. if you fall down, get back up.. i believe relapses teach us, pain teaches us.. keep moving forward if it takes ten times or a thousand times, you never know if the next time you try could be long term recovery.. never know what is just around the corner, i think its great your perseverance… i just want to say keep going

P

[kpat]

I am so glad you came back and posted. I hope you are doing well today and working hard on your plans.
If this was easy none of us would be here on this site. I cant tell you all the times I have been drawn back into gambling. It is a sneaky, lying thing that speaks to our minds. You are stronger than you think. And I am sure you are more important to a lot of people than you realize.
You have what it takes! Keep it up. Your posts to others are so inspiring.

[JohnNobody]

Thanks for your reply’s Kpay and P. And the much needed advise you given taken from your own circumstances. Reaching out when we are feeling the pressure I know is important. Its a few days now since I failed (again) and at the moment to be truthful does not get any easier. It is not that I have strong urges to gamble but more about the aftermath and my guilt and major self frustration that yep I did it again!

I know if I continue like this going round in circles all my own plans and hopes for the future will come to absolutely zero! So today again I start afresh. Will put my head down to try focus on work. Will take some much needed exercise and try to make the best of things. Surly with time and effort and energy invested the situation will change! I hope so.

Thanks again for your support it does mean so much!!!

[Nimetön]

Hi John, yes your situation will change. You are working at it. When you have had a relapse you immediately came on here and started again, rather than spending a few months chasing your losses! You are making progress John and you certainly deserve to!! Keep putting your time, effort and energy into it, and you will see the rewards!!

[kpat]

I noticed you havent posted in a couple of days. Hoping things are going good for you.
Very bad weather here. Several tornados, and thunderstorms have ”the sunshine state” looking as if it was misnamed.
Try not to stay away too long….

[JohnNobody]

Hi I have not gambled. But just kind of being a recluse at the moment. Working loads. Trying to get my thoughts straight. Feelings very much all over the place. Feeling very down at the moment. Saw a video clip with the ex. That does not help. Even though I cant stand the people from my past. We had a very toxic break up 3 years ago . Remember lt like it was yesterday. Thanks for the messages of support. I can give nothing in return at the moment ….. but hope you are all doing well.

[JohnNobody]

At my limit of what I can take. Tonight I was told by my sons mother I am not welcome for christmas with them. I am unsure of what more I can actually cope with. I am only writing here as I dont have anywhere else to turn to. I have bought a bottle of cheap booze. I cant gamble cause I have hardly no money so you quitters dont need to worry on that score. I do not know when or where this night will end.

[micky]

Hi John keep your chin up mate don’t let her drag you down , you can be with your son another time and celebrate just being together. 🙂

[Nimetön]

Hi John, I know it hurts right now but Micky is right. You can have your own special celebration with your son. He can have two Christmases!!how cool will that be! Just look after yourselfJohn and make sure you are in a good place to give him a really great time!

Things can seem overwhelming at times. But life Has a way of always getting better !this upset too is temporary and will pass! Try To go easy on the booze..in my experience it can make a bad situation appear a hundred times worse.

You have been working hard on this addiction John. Stick with working on your recovery.. You will be so glad you did!

[kpat]

You wrote on my post that everyone has difficulties in their lives and it is how we deal with them that matters. You know this woman, you have a history. You have a child together. Dont react just yet. Wait it out some. There is still time before the holiday. There may be some way to have it work out, just like Sad said.
You are very important. Your son, your Dad and even your brother need you. Alcohol may make you feel less pain for a moment, but you said it keeps you from being able to get good work done. Dont quit quitting!!!
I think you should just call it what it is. You have had a bad day. Now, move on. Onwards and upwards.

[JohnNobody]

I have made plans to get out of here on the 21st January 2015. Going to sell off what furniture I have. Travel light and start again somewhere new. I should have enough money banked by then to give me a head start. I am dreading the holidays coming up even more now. I know everyone here means well with the support and advise and I am grateful for this I really am. But my situation is more than just about my gambling addiction.

I am going through a period of intense social isolation. This is dangerous for me. I had very real thoughts again of ending everything yesterday. In the end I picked up the phone to the Samaritans. To be honest they was not much the lady could say. There job is to listen. I doubt I made much sense.

I will speak to my son later today because I know he feels awkward about the situation with Xmas. So will make sure he is OK and will tell him everything is good. He is in the middle of this situation.

I have not gambled for coming up to a week now. No real urges. Nothing in fact. The news last night from my sons mum slammed me. The icing on what is a very shiitty cake which is my life at the moment. Only I can change this. The world owes us nothing and nothing will change if I don’t change things around.

[Nimetön]

John, well done on ringing the Samaritans. I am so glad you did. You are right we can always start again. We don’t really know or understand anyone else’s situation . You are so important to your son take whatever action that gives you room to recover so that u can be there for him!

[kpat]

Hope you are taking care.

[JohnNobody]

Hi ty for the comments. I am doing okay. No gambling . Think its been a week or more. I dont count the days. Working through issues. Not posting much at all but do read through much of what is shared here and other places. Hope everyone is OK. Thanks.

[charles]

Hi John, well done on ringing the Samaritans; it’s always a wise choice to use the support that is available to us for most things. Be careful on the relocation plans. If you are having isolation issues at the moment then now might not be the time to move further away from the people who are around you.

As for compulsive gambling of course relocation doesn’t achieve much as we take our addiction with us. Keep posting, keep using support. Maybe see you in a group later.

[JohnNobody]

HI Charles thanks for the reply. Im all set for relocating and starting new. Understand what you say but they are more reasons to this. I will always live with my addictions no matter where I am but I choose to take control and enable change in my life. Its business related also as im closer to former contacts with the changes that are gonna happen in 2014. Still gamble free into week 2 now.

[micky]

Hi John well done on getting to week 2 🙂 Keep posting and let us know how your doing O.D.A.A.T. 🙂

[JohnNobody]

I have had enough. I am smashed. It’s not just the gambling it’s everything in my life. I’m done.

[maverick.]

John, I read everything you say and have done for a while now, I am sorry I don’t post much at the moment but that is because I am caught up in my addiction and I struggle to share when I am in a bad place (thats just me my friend and I can’t change that at the moment)……..In truth I totally understand what you mean, where you are coming from and how you feel……now if someone had said the same to me I would say ”bollocks you don’t have a clue how I feel at the moment” but John hand on heart I promise you I do, I don’t want to bore you about my life but yes I struggle on everyday day and keep making the wrong choices for one reason or another, keep posting, keep sharing and please stick with it, sharing how we feel…..good or bad is a massive part of our recovery, always good to read your shares and I can honestly relate so very much, I hope this finds you well, take care and wish you all the very best, always remember when we think we have nothing left there is always something worth fighting for…….we just have to dig deep to find out what it is!!!!

All the best John and take care.

Maverick

[Nimetön]

Hi John, I’ve felt that way before … I am so glad I recognised that it is a temporary feeling. Life always gets better. Think how important u are in your sons life. There is always a way forward. Could you write a more detailed post and maybe we can help you see the way forward from this temporary situation. Your son is important to you and you are the centre if his life. Write about it John. Maybe we can help

[icandothis]

Sending my thoughts and prayers along with everyone else.

[JohnNobody]

Firstly thank you for all messages of support. I dont feel I deserve them at all! I am in a bad place a very bad place. So may as well get it out here. What have I to loose ?

Sunday : today. I have nothing left. I have drank I have gambled. This has been the theme pretty much for most of the past week. Online offline where ever.

I have not bought a ticket I need to for my son.
I have no money to pay my rent which is due tomorrow.
I owe the landladys son money for furniture I took when I rented the flat. I have paid 0.00

My father is sick. He has an operation this coming Thursday I am supposed to be there in the hospital with him and my eldest brother for the day. It is a massive worry. We do not know how it will go! My dad I told him what I had done this morning. He will lend me £50 for food. I feel dreadful shame.

My eldest brother found out. And its the second time this week he has found out about my gambling. I told him as I have no one else to tell. His patience has run out. He told me I am selfish and arrogant when winning. And when I loose I am all sorrowfull and full or remorse. He also reminded me I am taking my fathers pension money. I feel sick at myself because what he told me is true.

He also said I am only thinking of myself and no one else. Again this is true.I have no defense. I am not a good person.

My work has suffered the past week. When I gamble I dont work properly. I sleep little or badly and I drink to blank out the losses or drink to celebrate them. None of this cures my loneliness. So I am not just back to square one but it a much worse place. Bit by bit for one reason or another my family disown me (and rightly so!) apart from my father.

I have no ideas. No plans. Nothing. I will face the landlady again tomorrow but probably this will be it. I can see how people really do end up on the street which is where I feel I am headed. I do not write this for sympathy. I write it because I need to and because its truth. Maybe if someone reads this they will stop and think about where this addiction leads.

I am screaming out for help but none is around. My father is grieving the loss of his wife. My family is smashed with the death of my mother. And all I can do is think of myself. Gamble drink gamble drink and blame the world. This is where I am at now.
thanks again for your thoughts. they have been read.
JN.

[Nimetön]

Hi John. What an honest post. Well done john .. It’s not easy to be so honest .
Firstly John I don’t believe you are selfish .. You have an addiction which is very active and must be fed before even your body is fed.
That’s how strong this addiction is.

You are in a bad place but you are also a resourceful person John. You might have to just own up to a lot of people and then ask them to help you break free of this addiction .

You simply cannot work on a laptop which does not have a gambling block. Probably not one person in here could, if they gamble on line. This must be your priority. It stopped me when I was caught in a vicious cycle.

I am wondering if you have thought about residential treatment . I think it might be good for you to take the time To recover without the pressures of every day life but I am no expert in this area.

You have a lot going on John but this difficult time will pass. I think it is fair to say that it has been made worse by gambling .most of us have been at a place where we felt like giving up. Only three months ago I thought I could never stop. It is hard. The urges drive you crazy. But it can be done and you will do it John. Let this be your rock bottom. The only way is up.
Could you live with your dad for a while John and support him after his op ? Don’t worry about your brother . He will come round. For now John be completely selfish. Dedicate yourself 100% to your recovery. Fit your own oxygen mask before you help others.

I think the fact that most of your post is about how you can’t do what you want to for other people shows how unselfish you are.

Take time out from worrying about others. Put you first . When you have yourself together then worry about other people.

You are a good person John and you will overcome this..

[Tiki456]

Dear John,
You are somebody, and you like everyone else is worth the respect. My friend you are not alone. I’m 58 years old and have been gambling since I’ve been 28. My ex-boyfriend introduced me to gambling in the 80’s. My game of choice was slots. I too have played on the internet, while I was in bed, in the casinos, driving hundred of miles so I could play because I self banned myself in my state. It has become my hobby, my life and my numbness for some underlying pain I still don’t know what? I hope you will come back and post and I hope you know that I care and I care about everyone with this illness because that is what it is. There is hope, there are places like this and if we all come together we can help each other find some peace.

[Tiki456]

After a bad night that led me to staying out until 2:00 am I have been reading a lot of posts. Maybe this will help me, at least for today. John it’s not your fault. This is a disease and like you my only brother does not understand. He is so afraid I will ask for money he doesn’t answer the phone. I am planning on attending a GA meeting sometime this week and I know that I have to get some clean time because I haven’t had more then 2 days. I have drained everything and am holding on my a piece of thin hair. Your honesty and desire to post means you have a desire to stop. I think everyone who finds on line support groups is in dire strait and need to vent their situation. Keep posting and know that there is help. We will find it together. I pray for today you will not gamble or drink and that your Father will recover fast.

Tiki

[kpat]

I am so glad you came back and posted. I offer you no sympathy, I offer you Empathy. I have no idea how anyone that has felt this horrid beast breathe down their neck could not understand how things could get very bad, very fast. I have been praying hard for you. I even added you to our prayers this morning at church. I asked for prayer for my friend John, who is going through some terrible things. You are important and worthy of the recovery from this addiction. Take care of you, if it means residential treatment, do that. Whatever it takes, you are somebody! You are somebody’s father, son, and brother. You are my friend!

[micky]

Please be strong john you can get through this i myself ended up in prison and thought my life was over , if your not in a good place phone the samaritans there available 24/7 . I think you have reached your rock bottom and the only way now my friend is up , do it for you , your dad and your son. I’m thinking of you . Please post and let us know your okay . Micky.

[JohnNobody]

First I want to say thank you to all of your who have left me messages here. Encouragement thoughts and even prayers. I have read each of your messages. Have not really felt it a place to answer. I am of no real help to anyone right now.

My world came crashing down again last week. The aftermath is awful beyond anything I can actually cope with. I spent the day or a few hours with my father yesterday. He was tearful over loosing our mum. I had to pull it together as best I could for him. I wont lie. I am in a bad bad place at the moment. Xmas looms like a black sky ahead of me. I dread that day. Sat here in the flat. I cant get to see my son. I made sure of that. Maybe I can do it for afterwards. I dont know.

I will block it out with alcohol I suppose. And hope the whole horrible period passes quickly. I am a few days since gambling. But it is no victory. None at all. The damage has been done. The crime complete. I came close over the weekend of formulating plans in my head to end everything. Being a coward and hating pain I could not follow through.
Somtimes I lay in bed and ask the universe to make it quick. Heart attack – seizure. Make the choice for me. Its not that I want to die I just dont want to live the life I am living. My coping mechanisms are low at the moment.

Your words from all of you have meant much. Vera (glad u are back) Micky – Kpat Tiki Sad68 to name but a few . I know you each have your own personal struggles. I wish I could do more. JN

[Nimetön]

Hi John, I echo what Vera is saying. Please use the one to
one helpline. I feel you didn’t get the help or support you deserved in group last night.. Maybe it wasn’t the right place or maybe you weren’t in the right place! Please know you are valued and valuable. You will get over this latest binge. You can promise to see your son in the new year and you can make sure you keep that promise!
Get whatever barriers you an in place now when you are feeling devastated in the aftermath of gambling. Make it impossible to gamble when the next urge comes ( and I promise you it will).

Get support from whoever you can to hold your cards , put blockers on all your Internet devices, ban from casinos etc!! Make it impossible to gamble John!!
And start looking forward to the better life which is ahead of you!!

[p]

I understand you not wanting to talk in the group sometimes things can seem overwhelming.. from what i remember i thought it was not your choice to see your son this christmas but that you were asked not to come by your ex which is no fault of your own.
I hope that you are ok John, we are all thinking of you and i hope that you manage to stay gamble free today. Just break it down to that day at a time.. Gambling has taken me to that dark place too John.. i have been here relapsing for Five years, every one of those times i have thought i am not going to make it that gambling is going to destroy me that i lost hope.. here i am writing this and i am gamble free.. all i can say is if you fall down get back up and keep on getting up no matter how many times it takes, people here read over and over and over the amount of times i relapsed, i would go on binges lasting months and months and then come back nearly dead..
John we care about you here, things will be ok, so long as you try your hardest to stop again.. just dont gamble for this hour then the next hour, start doing something else, go to the movies, or get dads it passes the time takes your mind off things, walk, talk to someone, whatever it is you like to do.. if you can get to GA meetings, I’m not sure i can’t recall if you can or not.. you are not alone in this we are all with you on this journey and i am an expert at relapsing but also an expert at getting back up.. dont let a bust send you in a spin to the bottom.. just start again.. continue on, dont worry about how many days gamble free.. just dont gamble today.. get to a meeting and some counselling, use everything you can to help yourself.. find the desire in you to get well and grab on to every resource you can, dont just use one even if you feel ok, use everything.. you need more ammunition in your recovery than in your addiction.. hoping to see you again soon and never give up on giving up..

P

[JohnNobody]

This touched me when I read what you wrote above. Kpat. Although I could not bring myself to reply then. Apologies for the delay. And yes no one can truly know how bad it can and does get unless they have been in the pit themselves. Its horrific! I cant do residential treatment. Simply can not afford not to work. There is something else I am thinking of doing. Some people I speak to. An organisation in London, who offer 4 days respite to talk in a house. Its called Maytree. Its for people close to edge. Its a one off and the relationship is with the house not the person you speak to. Maybe this will help I am unsure. But for you thanks from across the pond for your thoughts and prayers. John

[JohnNobody]

Hi P im here. Have been even when not replying. Lurking reading. And yes no point counting the days P. Just take it as it comes. I have not to be honest thought about gambling. But I know that is false. Its like having a massive hangover and the last think you want is a shot of vodka. Sadly no groups as such near me. I did check. The one they do run is not I think up and on at the moment. Head is still a mess and cant make sense of it. Thank you though for your honest words and support P.!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Maverick nice to meet you even in a place like this. I am sorry you are struggling and yet you found the time to write here for me. I am thankful for this. And I guess by what you have written you do know about how ”this addiction” can make a person feel. I wish you well I really do with your own struggles and battles!!!!

[JohnNobody]

Where to start. Been a horrible week. Horrible. Feeling drained. Took a shower and shaved. Looked like a lunatic. Gambling sucks it all from you. To the point where it becomes the only focus. Have managed to clear the kitchen somewhat. There was actually stuff living in the sink!!!! It was terrible. Tomorrow with my father at the hospital all day. He going under for tests on his throat and stomach. That is a worry.

I have not gambled but am not counting days. The situation is dire to say the least here. I watch the calender and see it creep towards Christmas. For it to be January now. Tomorrow will be the same as today. I feel like driftwood at the moment. Thats all I can say.

[kpat]

Thinking of you and especially your Dad today. Praying for good results from his tests

[JohnNobody]

Spent some of the day hanging around at my fathers house. He was in the District hospital due to get some ”tests” on his throat. In the end he was not fit enough for the anesthesia so we got the call to pick him up. He I and no doubt the rest of the family were relieved in some way because he is due to fly abroad for Christmas to be with his Family in Italy. I am glad he has this chance rather than being in pain in some hospital. What will be next month when he returns will be. Got me thinking about living in the moment. Living even an hour at a time.

I think of taking my life many times. My depression is a part of me. It defines me as a person as to where I am at right now. It hunts me down and follows me through my every waking hour. At times I have zero strength to fight its continual and never ending advance. But I can press pause I am learning that. Pause to drink a glass of coke. Pause to watch a movie. Pause to eat some food even if my stomach is in bits. It returns … always along with those thoughts about entering the terminal sleep. But for this week I have bought myself time. I stop what I am doing and switch of my brain. Movies can be a great escape from the wretched reality’s of life. I know all the feelings and sense of hopelessness will be there when I stop fighting but taking things 1 moment from the next sometimes can buy us time.

This for now is the truth of where I am and who I am.

[Nimetön]

Hi John,
I’m glad your Dad is getting a nice holiday. I can sense you are relieved about this. John it sounds like you are feeling very low but being the resourceful person you are , you are finding ways to cope with this low period of your life. Pressing pause is a great idea and one I will use in the future. You recognise that even though at this time things are tough you still can enjoy little pleasures like a film or a glass of coke.. I am wondering if a good supplement would help you,, maybe a comprehensive vitamin B and magnesium. I’m not an expert so check with your pharmacist . I know that during the low periods of my life, like when I was grieving or overwhelmed in the aftermath of gambling it helped me to boost my vitamins and minerals. Also if you could wrap up well and during a ’pause’ push yourself out for a walk outside. Daylight seems to help!

For us gamblers Christmas looms like a threat rather than a celebration. Its a stark reminder of all we have lost rather than a celebration. However when all is said and done it is really just another day -a day when some of us will be thrown together with family we would rather not see, some of us will feel lonely, some of us will drink too much and let all the hurts of the past out and further damage fragile relationships, some of us will be alone in a crowd of celebrating people. It is only a day and it will pass!l and once this day is over its a great time to start again!!
Life has a way if always getting better John. At times it’s hard to see through the fog but it will clear. Call the Samaritans as often and for as long as as you need to talk. Use the one to one helpline on this site. Post here a hundred times a day!!

How about GA? It would be a great way to meet people who understand.

I read in one of your posts that you felt you looked like a lunatic. That made me smile because three short months ago I felt the same . I used to look in the mirror and see ’crazy eyes’ staring back at me. Eyes that couldn’t be still as they darted around my head searching for a solution to the problems I had created. Three short months and life has improved so much. It will be the same for you John.. You will look back in this period and think thank God I tried again at recovery, for me, for my son who needs me, who wants me, who values me ,who loves me warts and all! You will survive this period John for you, for your dad and for your son! I feel privileged to be corresponding with such an open and self aware person as yourself!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Sad thanks for sharing your thoughts and words. I do not know how self aware I am though! Mistake after mistake …. maybe trial and error … and then needing to learn from our past rather than repeating the cycle. I do not know.

Im of little help to others here at the moment and I know I am in quite a self centered place at this time. Lots of thoughts and emotions going through me daily. I know the value of living a healthy lifestyle. Something I need to certainly address so thanks for your views on that.

For me Christmas well I am resigned to the fact it will be spent on my own. The situation not totally of my own doing but I could have given myself other options if I had not gambled. Instead I shall work – xmas eve – day and the day after. Nothing else to do. I will avoid bars and pubs at that time as I dont think it would be good for me.
But that day and time will pass. I long for January!

I hope you are okay within yourself. I have time on my hands today so will be catching up here how others are doing. Thank you for your continued support Sad – it means allot!

[Nimetön]

Hi John, how did your weekend go?

[JohnNobody]

Hi thanks all for checking in on me. Sorry no replys up until now. Been working on myself. and working. and trying to get my head straight. I am still here. Have not gambled. thats a plus. I came close saturday night I think it was. But self excluded soon as the software was open. Wont gamble today. I can not speak for next week or the week after. At the moment my life is about living hour to hour not even day to day.

Hope everyone else is holding up i really do. they are good people here i know that. thanks again for your support.

[Nimetön]

Well done John. I know how hard it is to resist those urges but hey you have done it and are in your way. Hour by hour, minute by minute- it doesn’t matter. It is difficult to stop but so worth it as are you. Keep resisting John!! Well done !!

[kpat]

Hi John,
Hope you are getting ahead in your work and I am vglad you are trying to stay in the now. None of us really know what the future holds. Regret, shame, and guilt is found when looking back. Anxiety and worry can be found when looking into the future. Peace is often found in the very moment we are in. Negative thinking breeds negative thinking, so try to find a positive thought to concentrate on.
I remember when I was a child and I would have a bad dream, my Mom would say, ”think about your favorite things to help erase the bad dream.” I would think abou
t hot dogs and rainbows and You know, that really does work.

[JohnNobody]

HI Kpat and Sad for your comments. I do read things here … more lurking at the moment. Plus I get email alerts for the threads I have subbed to.

Still no gambling. Got through a payday without doing my brain in. That I can say is some progress. So am doing okay on that. My father leaves for Italy his home country Thursday. Big journey for him. He needs it after mum died. Will be the first time in my life not one parent in my Country. Strange and somewhat sad feeling. But I wont show that to my father. He needs this and especially through Christmas. Take his mind of things.

So I am still here still fighting still trying ….. I hope everyone else is doing okay. Its hard a hard hard addiction to beat. But least we here.

[JohnNobody]

Well said goodbye to my dad yesterday. Met him for a few hours. He left for Italy today. And I just saw his plane landed safe. My brother said the house is empty now. Its in many ways a sad time. Mum no longer here. The family home locked up until January 2015. But I am glad we got him over there. He did not need to face Christmas here with loosing mum.

I could not go with him Vera, and in truth would not want to at this moment. Instead I will work the Christmas both eve and day. I hope to be going to see my son shortly afterwards. Hope …..

It has been a horrible year looking back. A year of losses and I dont just mean on the gambling front. This addiction though does not make things any easier. Gambling is a false sense of escape. Momentary empty and without meaning. I am still quitting for that I feel okay. I wont stop trying to quit. I have to do this.

I had a few very down weeks and still do not feel right within myself. But I have to accept that things cant change overnight and without self investment. I read here so many storys of people battling there own demons and very real life hardships. And the storys of those who are finally overcoming and beating there addiction. If one can do it then so can others. I have to hold onto that.

[micky]

It has been a horrible year for you john and i can see why you are looking forward to 2015. So you have 19 days left to prepare for it . Use those days wisely and i’m sure you will go into 2015 with a positive and gamble free outlook 🙂

[JohnNobody]

Just got off the phone to the Netline for CGs. Spoke to someone for around an hour. Looking over the choices that ”I need to make” rather than should. Everything I worked for in the past has gone. Home , relationships, business, everything. I live in a small 1 bedroom flat and am more isolated in my life than ever before. I dont feel the pain of the last loss yet. I am still numb. But I know that it is coming and that I most probably wont sleep well over the next few days. Only myself to blame on this. I have a budget of around £2 per day to get me through to my next payday. I wont starve not just yet. Christmas is upon us and I am absolutely dreading it.

We spoke about the need to focus on daily achievements … rather than long term focus. I know that when I gamble it is to bring comfort and escape. The comfort begins to set in as soon as I make the choice that I am going to gamble. And culminates each time with the same result. A vicious circle of destruction, selfishness and self hate.

Do I want to be a gambler ? Nope.
Do I want to overcome my addiction ? Yep
Can I actually start to do this ? I have no idea.

One thing that appealed to me when speaking to the netline was to try to evaluate each day to see what I can do to improve my situation even if only by a very small margin. And the same again at the end of the day. What did I manage to do for self improvement no matter how small.

I will be awake now pacing the flat in-between bouts of trying to work. Horrendous … People here give such good support and advise. I feel as if I really do not deserve it. I have major obstacles to overcome in the coming days. A real test. In a perverse way I am looking forward to meeting those challenges and see what changes I can effect. I maybe down but am not out for the count. More determined than ever to overcome what I have become due to my gambling.

[charles]

Hi John, what are those obstacles? What is the ”real test” you mention? What things can you put in place before that test arrives? Or how can you avoid being tested?

Three good questions you posed yourself. I would change the answer to one of them though and add a fourth:

”Can I actually start to do this ?” YES

That answer might depend on the answer to the 4th question though.

What am I prepared to do? GA meetings? Self exclusion/blockers? Financial accountability?

See you in a group later hopefully.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Charles thanks for your reply. No GA meetings around here. Not in my area but after the hols will look to see what else is around in the way of support. Waiting on a referall for some ”therapy” should be interesting to see what comes out of that.

I have self excluded at every place I gamble to. But they are always more online casinos. Next week I will give gamblock another go on my PC. Cant buy the licence until then. But I remember how I took it to bits last time I had it onstalled on my system.

Financial accountability I maybe able to approach my brother hand over my bank card to him. When he gets back he is away a few days. The things you mention are all good and and can assist but it is also more than that. It is about whole change of mindset and being able to manage my addiction. Ultimately I have to be responsible for my own actions. I hope I can get into the group a later on for sure. JN.

[JohnNobody]

Firstly well done on the 73 Euro shop! It was your ideas with the bacon cabbage thing that got me through last time! Heading that way again!

I dont know what to say about your offer it is very kind of you to even consider saying this. Really is. Confused as to what to say or how to answer ???
are u north or south ?

[JohnNobody]

Ohh I was in Dublin the other year. Great City but expensive!

[Nimetön]

Hi John, thank you for your extremely positive and uplifting post on my thread. I am thinking you maybe ”need” to go back and read it for you. John if you go to Vera’s I will try meet up with you both at some stage!! That would be such fun!!
John like me you describe your former life and compare it to now. It seems like now is the end of something. Perhaps we should instead view now as the start of something new. A great new phase in our lives. I hAve just been googling people who were unsuccessful in their lives before they made it. One I particularly liked was the man who founded HONDA. He was gutted after being turned down by Toyota for an engineering job and he started making scooters in his shed.. Now I’m sure that rejection has cost Toyota billions over the years.

The collapse of the ’Celtic tiger’ in Ireland brought many successful billionaires to their knees.. Many of them now broke . The lovely Mr Quinn even spent time in prison. He made a bad investment in a bank. These were business men who worked very hard and were just left with the wrong property at the wrong time.

So we got there through gambling, but we can brush ourselves down and start again. We will have to make hard choices. We will have to deny ourselves the pleasure of gambling. We will have to focus on work and firstly getting ourselves financially secure.
It’s a great idea to give your brother your card. It might also be a good idea to direct debit whatever you can afford into an account you can’t get at.it could mean that next Christmas is sorted!!
I suppose I am writing this for myself as much as you John. We can start again. We can be financially secure again. We can have a good life again.

And again thank you for you post. I have read it so many times!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Sad thanks for your message and yes I hear what you are saying. It would also be good to meet in person at some point but as I said to Vera I dont think I am in position to make that trip this side of the year. My gambling has taken care of that.

Without going into great detail I think it is okay for me to open up a bit more about my past. For over 10 years I ran a very successful company. Millions were made. Houses in the UK and in Europe. All the benefits of a highly profitable start up. The company I formed back in 2001 was in the days when the Internet was the wild west. My initial investment of around $50 dollars snowballed quickly.

Life was incredible. Then I started to gamble. Over the years block by block it became worse. But I was earning and could ride the losses. No matter how high they were. When it came crashing down I had nothing. Everything was lost. My wife at that time immediately found a new partner and never looked back. All of this 3 years ago this month that the meltdown really kicked in.

I had my second restart earlier this year as you may know from reading an earlier post. That went wrong but not through gambling. So it is compounded loss after loss. And I sit here today a week and half from xmas. £7 on the side. Nothing in the bank but more importantly no one around me. Former friends avoid me. I am no longer worthy. The family is fractured for 1 reason or another. And it is bleak.

I do a self employed job I dislike but the money can be earned quickly. But it means nothing went it gets pisssed away in the online casinos. 1 step forward. 10 steps back. The lonliness felt is something that runs deep now. The last person I spoke to was my father before he left for Italy on Wednesday. And then I go an isolate myself further by gambling. It really is make of break. Today I will work again. I hope nighttime comes quickly as the street goes quiet below then. And lets see where I am a day from now.

Its gotta change. If I can overcome my addiction I know deep down I have a chance to rebuild. If I dont its game over in every sense.

JN.

[Nimetön]

John thank you for your honesty.
I think your priority has to be that gambling block . It has to come before food even!! Buy three different ones if you have to. It will give u the time to think even if you can dismantle them.

You will overcome this John. It has taken me years to realise that gambling will not make me rich quick but work might. You really must have an amazing brain to create that type of business. Extra money for me is selling a few things on eBay or when I’m really skint standing in the freezing cold at a car boot sale.
Your wife sounds like she really enjoyed the high life. Yes you messed up but what ever happened to ’ for better for worse’?
You have an amazing brain John. You are entrepreneurial, you see opportunity, you are not afraid to take risks. It strikes me that you need the same attributes to be a compulsive gambler as to be a really successful businessman!
I have always been told that at the end of you life you will be able to count all your real friends on one hand. I think perhaps that is true. Friends come and go. Friends are there for the good times, for when they need help, because they work together etc.
Its difficult when you feel alone but having a little money will give u the opportunity to get out of the flat. You can go for a coffee and sit in a new environment.
I am feeling so inferior to my sons friends parent a at the moment John. I never felt like this before. I was dreading picking him up from a study group but they invited me in and made me feel welcome. However it wasn’t lost on me the flash of embarrassment/ shock which flickered over their eyes when I answered their question as to where I lived. But hey that’s life . That’s where we are at ! What one step can we take today to get us to where we want to be? Do we even know where we want to be?

Do we want to return to people whose value system is monetary. Have we evolved enough to think differently ? Can we be happy wih less? Have we become lazy looking for the easy way to sort things.? Can we wait for rewards ? What one step can we take today to get to where we want to go?

[JohnNobody]

HI Sad allot of what you wrote does make sense. Especially on the gam blocks. Maybe I need to revisit them give them another try. What harm can it do. I wont go into detail but last time they were quite rudimentary installs and badly programmed. Maybe they have improved. I did try another one but it was shocking and totally smashed my system.

Ultimately this battle has to be won in the head. For this I am determined. Thanks for the praise but it is not warranted. Yes I am entrepreneurial and still hold ideas. But I have wallowed in so much destruction this year much of it in the mind that zero steps have been taken.

My current way of making money is brain death all the way. But it pays for now. I need challenges again and need to see things develop and grow. But it seems so far off right now.

And sad NEVER EVER FEEL inferior to others around you. Ever! Every person has there own issues no matter how together they mean seem on the outside. We all carry a certain amount of craap with us on the inside. You too are fighting your way through this. Stand up be counted and be content and proud of that fact my friend!!!

[Nimetön]

Hi John, that’s a very powerful statement Vera made. I could add to it…my time, my money and my mind are not my own anymore.
Gambling steals so much from us .
But we have the resources inside us to stop ..

Could you possibly reach out to one of your old friends to look after your cards? It would be embarrassing but would help put you in a place where you need never be embarrassed again.

Try to sort that time lapse today so when the wages go in you are in control.

[JohnNobody]

HI thanks for your messages. No i have not posted today. Been trying to work but my output is only around 65%. Could have been better. But ended up for an hour or so trying to sleep as my pattern is shot through at the moment. I stay awake sometimes all night trying to work. At other times not . It is erratic and without any form.

Spoke to my father on skype he in Italy for xmas. He is worried I am here home alone. Put on brave front told him I have plans and such like. But wished he had not brought the subject up. May it pass quickly.

Am bracing myself for when money hits my account next. Getting the right mindset so I dont gamble. I am going to work through the whole of the 23rd 24th and 25th. Work long hours as possible and then hopfully will sleep the rest. Thanks again for your continued messages.

JN

[kpat]

It makes me sad to think of you not having any face to face time with other people. I want to load my family up and come knocking on your door, and drag you out of there to breathe some fresh air and have some human contact.
I was hoping you would be able to take Vera up on her invitation. So since Florida and Ireland are out of the question just now, what can be done to help? Working is good for the finances, but you are admitting to bad sleep patterns and isolation. The bars (pubs?) Are probably a bad idea too.
Maybe the grocery store? A park? A free museum?
I don’t know……I bet when you smile, people smile back! Just a feeling you give off here in your journal.
It’s good that you plan for payday. Gambling your money away after all that hard work would be a terrible waste.

[JohnNobody]

Hi KPat it was and is never my intention to make anyone feel sad about my situation. I am sorry if I did 🙁 I write here because it is really my only outlet and the only place I can truly express some of what I am feeling.

Sadly no it is not possible to visit your end of the world for the holidays. Vera’s invite was really kind and touching. I will be avoiding the bars and pubs in the last few days before the holidays. I don’t think I could stomach being sat there on my own watching the rest of the world go about xmas in the right way. The day will pass and that will be it.

I have only myself to blame for this situation with regards to my gambling. The other aspects of my life … well on that I have no control. Take care and thanks for your message.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Sad no this is not possible ref old friends. Simply not. All of that past has gone. This is down to me and no one else. One of the issues I know I face is having no one face to face in the ”real world” to reach out to. No one. Its surreal at the moment.

[Nimetön]

Hi John, I know Vera’s invite is very sincere. I could help out a little with the fare, if you felt it was something u would like to do. U cud get a ferry if the flights are really expensive .

[JohnNobody]

Hi Sad it amazes me the people here! So kind of you to even offer to help even with your own real situation. The very fact you offered despite your own hardships and battles .. well words fail.

I would love to visit but the time is not right. But am so appreciative of your offer to help. Thank you for that.

[Nimetön]

Aw John, you would do the same yourself. Just get through Christmas and then look forward to the new year and a fresh start!!

[JohnNobody]

I have been out. Getting drunk. I am good at that. People arrived at my brothers house tonight. 5 strong. Wanting my blood for money owed. Yes this really is the dark side of this addiction. Right now I do not care. I tried to find them …. got a cab back to the dump I call home. My brother had sorted them. Made a repayment plan (in my name) apparently to save my legs and my face.

Things are bad here. Really bad. I feel incredibly unstable. I want to run. I want to die. I really want to die. I am blocked on every side. Inside I am screaming ….. I type here because I have no where else to get out what it is I am feeling. I feel dead inside. Utterly dead. I sat in a pub tonight. People were dancing singing songs about ”do they know its Christmas time in Africa … ” I dont think I have ever felt so alone.

I have ruined everything. Right now I feel …… really feel I could walk off the edge of a cliff. And this is without even loosing to gambling!!!!! I hate myself. And now I have no love for this world. Nothing is left.

[Nimetön]

John, wait until the morning . See how you feel then. We all mess up sometimes.. Your brother saved you tonight because he loves and needs you.
You feel bad now but things will get better. It’s late . Things always seem worse at night. Wait until the morning and you will see .. It’s not as bad as u see it. So u owe people money? Everyone on here does and it has got embarrassing one way or another..it’s not that terrible a thing or else I must be a terrible person too, and I don’t think either of us are. It’s just the people u owe it to sound like thugs.!

Please don’t walk off a cliff. Your brother puts you above money . He loves you and parted with his cash to help you.

Wait until tomorrow and see how things look . You can pay back these thugs. You can pay back your brother. Temporary problems which can be sorted.
Hang in there John. U are doing ok!

[Nimetön]

Hi John, I am hoping the cloud has lifted a little.
No matter how low you feel please think of your poor old dad on holiday in Spain trying to get on with life without your mum. .. Your brother too. You are all grieving.

I have been through a family suicide John . I have lost close people naturally and it hurt so much I wanted to die, but eventually things got better. I could smile at the memories. I realised how incredibly fortunate I was to have these people in my life and how they will be with me forever. But at the time it was unbearable.

Then I lost someone to suicide. The pain will never go away. It is quite a few years now and I can’t speak about it without crying. It damaged something deep inside me that will never mend. It hurts and shocks as much now as it did back then. U try to put it to one side and get on with life but it is always there like a shadow that travels permanently with you.
I replay every conversation in my head all the time To see what I could have done differently . I feel so responsible. I was not even her closest relative. I feel a mixture of anger, regret, guilt. I have to shut it out to function.
I can’t smile at the memories because they are over shadowed by the way she died.

Suicide is the end.. The end Of a chance to get better, the end Of your son being ever really happy, the end of any peace your dad might have in his twilight years, the end of your brother’s sense of safety. If my son doesn’t answer because he has his head phones on my first thought is never he has those earphones on again. It is always ……. ………And then I have to talk myself back to reason.. The safety of my world has been taken from me.
Yes you messed up . But you are not powerless. You are not alone. You have your dad and brother who are grieving at the moment but are still there. You have your son who will love you regardless.

You have one issue to sort and that is gambling. Forget about walking off cliffs n stuff and concentrate your energy .. Every ounce of it to beating this sneaky addiction. You will do it you know. You are not helpless or powerless.

Get debt counselling. Get Those debts postponed. Fight this and beat it! You can and you will.

Get my private remain from Vera n I will reply as much as I can

[JohnNobody]

I cant say much at the moment. But have read the replys.

I took a leap and booked a flight to see my son on the 8th Jan.

one ray of light in what is a very messy day today. I want you all to know I think your good people. really good people. i cant say more right now but your all in my heart no matter what.

[Nimetön]

Well done John. A very positive step and something to really look forward to!!
Life will get better. When u next get money treat yourself to a simple pleasure you used to enjoy, which you now deprive yourself of. Maybe buy a good newspaper and go to a cafe n have coffee n cake. I finding its the little pleasures that make me not want to gamble.. Cheap but often!!
You are doing ok John. Grief is hard!!

[micky]

Sorry to hear your struggling with life at the moment John, please take sad and vera’s advice it’s not worth the other options you have been talking about lifes too precious. Please keep posting you have friends here 🙂

[charles]

Hi John,
Things will get better I promise you. Stopping gambling allows us to address any other issues we need to address. Stay focused on recovery and you can move forward.

When we stop gambling things don’t get better over night, we may even struggle because we have to face things we previously ducked away from by gambling.

One thing that does happen straight away though is that gambling stops making things worse.

I have edited out your email address, I will make sure the person you wanted to have it gets it next time I see them in a group. They will probably already have read it anyway. This is the worldwide web and an open forum, we encourage anyone wanting to swap contact details to do so safely via an email to our office.

I’m here for the next 3 hours now so hopefully I will see you in a group later.

[p]

How wonderful you have booked that ticket, well done.. a lot of us here have gotten to the point you are at John.. this addiction wants to kill us it is its ultimate destination.. get as much help as you can now to arrest it.. to put it in its place.. really take as much support as you can.. somehow get to GA meetings, counselling, keep coming here, but please try to get other help too.. can you see a doctor and talk about this situation also.. there maybe other sources of help where you are that you arent using and reading your last few posts, try to get all the help you can.. also maybe watch the alcohol while you feel like this.. do you like movies? Maybe you could go to the movies it kills a few hours, its like an escape, its harmless. its enjoyable.. lose yourself in other things in this world that are enjoyable, the little things, a nice meal.. a hobby anything else that you can get yourself interested in. There is lots out there..

P

[JohnNobody]

Just a quick note to self and others here. I am about to head South for a few days. Got an invite … was given train tickets. CGs taking handouts. But I could not say no. Anyway I have to say thanks to you all for being here. I have been of no support to anyone. But I do read your story’s your posts your own struggles.

Here is to next year ….. can it be better ?

[Nimetön]

Hi John, that’s really great news. We can say its only a day etc, but it is horrible to be on your own at Christmas. I am so glad you are going to friends.

Somewhere along the way you mentioned all your friends had deserted you.. You still have friends John. Maybe it’s just hard to reach out sometimes when we feel we have failed.
Next year will be different John. You are starting the year with a trip to your son. That will be great .

You have helped others on here John by sharing your story..the good and the bad. You have also been generous in posting on others threads. When I am ’ in action’ I cannot get outside my own mind to write anywhere except my own thread.

Try to keep your barriers in place over Christmas . It will be a difficult time.. Your first without your mum. Start the New year with gamble free time behind you.

2015 will be your year John. The year everything goes right!! Hang in there my friend . You are in recovery !!

[kpat]

I am so glad to read your post. I hope you have a wonderful time on your trip. Next year you can pay it forward and help someone in need. I am sure your friends feel the price of that ticket is money well spent.
You are very wrong that you have been no help. Your posts to me in the first few weeks here meant an awful lot to me. Your honesty in your own journal brought me outside myself and showed me a very clear picture of my own struggle. I think you are very special and I am thrilled that you will be with people for Christmas.

[JohnNobody]

Hi was just checking through my emails and saw replys here. Thanks so much for all your comments. I survived the christmas holidays. Did go away. It was nice. Lovely part of the country in fact. But decided to head back a few days early.

I am here again now in my flat. Working. Getting ready to go next week to spend time with my son. When I step back into the house the familiar feelings return. It makes me angry and pisssess me off no end. Actually got a date on Saturday. Can you believe it. With my life all upside down I decided to complicate it further.

But the gambling has done no damage. The bank account remains intact. I read the email alerts I get from other peoples threads. I have some catch up to do here. Im hoping to make the group later on.

[Nimetön]

Well done John! That’s a great achievement to get through Christmas and be gamble. Also great news about the date! Why not? It’s time to get back out there and get your life back. U deserve happiness John. Stay clean my friend .. Your future is looking so good…

[JohnNobody]

Yesterday I actually purchased a pair of footwear. On advice given these were ”chunky” ha. But they are new boot kind of things and only cost £15 reduced from £30 in Asda. It felt strange doing something normal like shopping for clothes.

I still need a pair of jeans and a jacket maybe able to get them by Friday. Tonight is the last of this year. It can not end soon enough. A horrible 12 months has passed. I wont celebrate tonight instead will work through the evening. 12.00 Midnight wont mean anything for me other than 2014 was the year my mum died. I dont see anything to celebrate on that so will hide away in my flat.

This time next week I will be getting ready to Fly to Denmark. It will be good to leave good to get into the airport have a few drinks and jump on that plane. I took that route UK to DK so many times in the past. Some weeks flying 4 or 5 times due to work. These days it takes all I can just to get 1 flight arranged.
I have to change this during this next 12 months. I have no choice. The work I do pays sure but I dont like the work. A new venture calls me ….. soon I hope.

Stay strong lovely people …. make 2015 your year and step up to take what is yours. I can not thank you enough for being here for me during these past few months when I have given so little in return.

[kpat]

I thought of you on Monday. I dressed up a little for work. Walked into the office and felt a flapping sensation. I looked down and my most comfortable pair of wedges had nearly come completely unglued. One of the nurses taped it up and I worked all day like that. I thought to glue it when I got home but when I took off the taped it took off some of the black laquer. They may be done for.
good luck on your date and excited for you to see your boy!
Happy New Year!

[Nimetön]

Hi John, hope thing are going well . Hope u got that jeans and jacket to go with the chunky boots haha.
Your trip is getting so close- you will have a great time

Happy new year to you too

[JohnNobody]

Hi All and thanks for your messages. Just been so wrapped up with ”none gambling” lifes battles and changes had no real time to reply . But the new shoes are working fine …. and Kpat I know that flapping sensation only too well! A sign of the CG maybe. I know it was and is for me.

A belated happy new year to you all here.

This is day 4 of 2015. Had my first date in an age over the weekend (new shoes and top did not get new jeans) was in many ways a surreal experience. Out with other people in crowded bars but not alone as I normally do. I felt shabby and rough cut. I could see just how far back I have peddled. It was akward for a while. I am sure she could see looser written all over me.
Somehow crawled through the first hour then things loosened up. Maybe down the half lagers and a few shots thrown in helped. I was tired though … and felt it and looked it. But in the end the night worked. I found myself laughing having fun. We even ate a meal together. I purposely chose the cheapest thing on the menu. it was not noticed.

Then today back on the train home. Back to my life. Back to the grind. I have some pretty hefty personal debts. One of these could get nasty very nasty. I have to be careful with this one. So have tried to make contact with the person I owe this money to. I hope they get back to me in time so some kind of repayment plan can be put in place. The fallout from massively excessive gambling is all around me.

Thursday I fly to Denmark to visit my son. On this I am excited.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Vera bag not packed yet but will be soon. Am working up until 12 midnight then will clock off for the next 7 days. I am excited and this journey has taken a lot of planning. And lots of NONE gambling time. But its all paid for now. Including train fares to and from airport.

Also got some money for my son as Xmas present. Not a great deal but enough for a 16 year old know it all teenager. Its my birthday on Saturday so i have applied immense pressure to him to buy me loads of prezzies ha ha … he can hardly cope with it but he has his part time job so can spoil his dad. In truth I will be luck to get a bottle of coke from him 😉

But yes looking forward to leaving this Isle if only for a week. I had my first telephone counseling session today. Strange we did not really touch much on my CG issues. But the areas around them. She was good and gave me some insight and some pointers as to what to expect as I start this stage of my recovery.

We talked about suicidal feelings, isolation, loss many things. It was hard but at the same time I felt unburdened if only for a few minutes. My next is booked for the day I get back. Keep quitting everyone. Dont give up EVER!

[JohnNobody]

Okay first time in months I am heading abroad to see my Son this morning. Bags packed. It is on a shoe string budget but thankfully my sons mum finally relented and is letting me stay in her apartment with him outside Copenhagen. So that saves some £££.

It is at the expense of other things I had to pay but this is what happens when we gamble. It could have been so much easier but hey I am an CG and continually screw things up!! But for today now I am happy. Soon will be able to see my brat of a boy who is actually a young man now. 17 in March and full of himself!!!! He knows everything about everything and us lowly parents know nothing ha ha.

Stay strong lovely people!

[micky]

Enjoy your holiday John 🙂 let us know how it went next week when you touch base with G.T. again and how the councelling is going . 🙂

[JohnNobody]

Thanks Micky! In the airport now all checked in. Sat in T1 waiting for my plane with a cold beer. I used to do this. Journey. Week i. Week out. It seems surreal. But I’m determined again. This year I will restart and will rebuild. I have new ideas his to move forward. Make ££ and live a life. None of which involves gambling. Onwards!!!

[JohnNobody]

Ha Vera well spending the time with my son so no time or desire to check out the femmes of this fine City. Its freezing here. Rain thunder but good to wake up not in my own place for once. Am thinking lots about what I need to do on my return. Moving forwards – rebuilding. Get back into something I am passionate about somthing that consumes me and motivates me.
Gambling comes when i get bored or really down. Its a temp fix like a shot of heroin. It works for a moment but then the fall out afterwards can be terrible. Nothing changes if I keep going back to gambling. Everything changes if I stay quit.

Signing off from Copenhagen … hope to catch some of you in Chat soon. Stay strong!!!

[p]

How wonderful you are now in Copenhagen, i think its where they make that lovely lovely ice cream.. i always think of food!!
Hey you are doing really well.. its a great acheivement that you are there in Copenhagen and not somewhere gambling.. its good you are looking at other things to put into your life. Well done.. see you in chat sometime soon

P

[micky]

Thanks for your post , Sounds like your holiday is doing you the world of good John you sound very upbeat 🙂 hope it continues for you when you get back to old blighty 🙂

[JohnNobody]

Hi all quick update. Still IN copenhagen leaving tomorrow. Sad to leave my son but feel revitalised. The trip has not been. Without issue. My sons mum struggles with alcohol. But I’m here for my son. Ready to get back ready. To work ready to rebuild. I will not be beaten by this!! Typing from my phone Nd this site not built for mobiles so this is a short one. Keep quitting everyone!!! John

[micky]

Hope you have a safe journey home john , you sound in good spirits still 🙂 Hit the ground running on your return and you will be fine ” ONE DAY AT A TIME ” 🙂

[JohnNobody]

HI ALL thanks for the messages in my absence. I do read them all!!! even though I am terrible sometimes at replying. Im back now from Denmark. The trip was too good. I relaxed like I have not been able to in months. Would wake up, drink coffee. Surf rubbish on the internet then get ready and go meet my son in the shopping center when he finished school which is between 1 and 2pm in Denmark.

Ate too much food and drank more than 1 carlsberg lager but it was good. I somehow had the money to give my son around £160 quid xmas money. He put it towards a PS4 he bought. I then got conned ha ha into buying a PS4 Game for £50 !!!!

But I remember as I got my debit card out thinking can i should i …. how so many times I dont think twice about depositing that amount and more in the casino. It was a great feeling. Came back almost broke but for the right reasons. My rent has hit the wall but think I can pay her next week if she dont throw me out before. I hope not. Im not good at facing people at the moment and especially not my landlady maybe becuase she has been so good to me. So patient. But there is only so much a person can do in the patience stakes. I will pen her an email tonight and let her know when she is going to get paid.

Came to my fathers for the weekend with a view to living here for a short time. But dont think I can. I am not sure yet. He has aged these past 4 months since mum made her exit. He has health issues and is frail. I worry about him. He seems to have lost some of his will to live since loosing his wife of over 50 years. That is the hard part.

On the flip side im ready for this year. Need to get capital built up and restart. ….. its good to see people here so determined. It gives me hope for the future. And yes Vera I have been here a few months now. Things are slowly changing in microbytes. But nevertheless still changing. Onwards ….

[lizbeth4]

Hi John. I am glad that you had a good trip and enjoyed time with your son. It is good to relax and to be able to treat your son. I sympathize with your Father as I lost my husband almost 2 years ago. It is hard to move forward when you have spent so much of your life with your mate. I hope he will be okay. I like your positive outlook for the future. Little steps!

[JohnNobody]

A truly crap day. The holiday on Denmark is over. And im back to living with myself and own failings. Missed an appointment with a telephone Councillor I am having weekly sessions with. Got my dates messed up. Luckily she phoned today and so have re-scheduled.

I have placed myself squarely back in the shitt again. Rent way over due am still a few 100 short for the due date I promised the rent by. The debts I have are quite horrendous. I have food and some money on me so I wont starve and the lights are still on. I did pay my phone / net connection. So that is a plus.
It is truly mental the situations we place ourselves in. For what ? Days and weeks of stress depression and worry. I am trying to work out if my depressed state is because of my addiction or if the addiction makes me depressed if that makes sense ?

My last session was not even enjoyable in anyway shape or form. I could not have really cared if I had won or lost. So even in that sense it was totally pointless. Futile and of course took me away from doing other things which could enhance my life not destroy it. Oh well onwards …. as we all do.

[JohnNobody]

Have worked well tonight surprisingly given the current situ. Output near 90%. Annoying as this is what I can do when I put my mind to it and dont fall into the black filthy pit of gambling. If I could just maintain the work ethic and pushing forward without all these insane and utterly ridiculous relapses I know I would be swimming in clean water inside of 18 months.

Felt nausea again today and stresses. It hit me soon as I stepped off the plane. It stays with me with the odd dark thought and it really angers me. Am chatting lots to a girl I have only ever met one time in person. We seem to get along. We chat daily through the day through WatsApp and txt. She is funny makes me laugh but lives 2 and some hours away. Little bit hard faced emotionally and seems to not let her barriers down much. But I like her (I think) but am million miles away from a relationship at this time as I have zero to offer.
Am gonna hack through work I hope until 2 or 3am then eat dinner. Its wrong I know but I am back to the nocturnal lifestyle. I hate the day time in this country (loved it when was in Denmark) I may totally flip things around and do straight nights 5pm through to 5am and then kill as much of the day sleeping.

Writing things down can really help. Got a good message through from Gamtalk about the value of writing our ”story” down. Link below for those interested. Hope its okay to include a link here but it is very on topic.

http://www.gamtalk.org/blog/how-writing-about-your-life-can-change-it

[kpat]

The commitment to change your circumstances is a great thing to read. I have to keep from hiding my head in the sand regarding my debts. I sometimes let out a groan or a maybe a growl and my hb will say what’s wrong. I have to answer, Money! I am worried about one debt in paticular. I have to pay this soon, or else they could probably go after us legally. I have been in a constant state of procrastination regarding this bill. I can’t just send them a little. It is so old, they want big bucks to get me back on track. Maybe the cash will fall from heaven….one thing I am sure of, I won’t be trying to get it paid by gambling. That is why I haven’t been able to pay it to begin with.
Hard work is the only true way out of either of our situations.
Let’s both work hard and put these worries to rest for good!

[JohnNobody]

Well got some urges quite strong to gamble right now. A bit of money I had forgotten about landed in my account earnings from last month. Overall around 90 down on the rent. Then the thoughts come to me if I can just win xxx amount!

So came here instead of gambling. Need to get through the day without placing a bet! Am working at the moment will try focus on that and by some miracle earn as much towards the rent as possible in the short time left before the cut off point to trigger payment this week!

A totally insane way to live on a wing and prayer day by day! Got to stop this. I just want the thoughts and urges to gamble to LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

Still fighting 😉 onwards if not sometimes slightly sideways.
And thanks Kpat for your response seems we are in this together!

[JohnNobody]

Got over the urges. Buried myself in work. Could have maybe done more so far but stopped to eat pasta mid of afternoon and it wiped me out. Went for a walk to buy milk and get fresh air. Still down somewhat on the rent and cant close the gap much more before midnight tonight. So will have to face that this coming Friday.

Another debt breaths down my neck and this one can turn nasty for more reasons that 1. I will miss the payment on this one for this week but hope I can make ground by next week. Im short stacked at the moment and have been for an age. Need to really pull ahead of this. Bailiffs also hovering close by unpaid council tax. Luckily I have nothing for them to take and they wont get entry to my flat. The golden rule never EVER let a bailiff through the door. If you do your screwed as they can force entry next time round.

Will go the route of denying implied rights of access and start making payments next week direct to the council even though they wont deal with me now as its gone to collection. One thing for sure we can become mini experts in the harsher points of life such as debt collection agency’s. The joys of a failed and terribly useless gambler 😉

[p]

Keep your chin up.. you are still trying at recovery. It doesnt always come straight away.. ive been here since 2009!! falling, getting back up, over and over and over.. just keep trying, dont give up. Everything is overwhelming when in the midst of gambling, the aftermath is horrendous but it can be changed. day by day just by not gambling today.. keep it simple, break it down into small pieces. I find lots of problems easier to manage with the day at a time thing not just for gambling but for anything, just focusing on what this day brings and what i can do just today.. dont give up.. just continue on and life when not gambling will improve

P

[Nimetön]

Hi John, I have just been catching up on your thread . So glad it all went well with your son. You seemed happier there but maybe that is because it was holidays .
The debt drag us down so much… I think all the time one big win and I’m free. But of course what happens is I get in deeper .

I guess there are a lot of us trying desperately to stay afloat financially .
it is so difficult … But somehow we manage ..

I’m not sure about working nights John although I am a night owl too… You could end up feeling depressed without sunlight or company .

It a good you have met someone , but please don’t Say you have nothin to offer. Our value cannot be measured in money .. Trust me you have a lot to offer , and this girl obviously can see that!!

Keep strong .. Keep working at it !!

[JohnNobody]

** thanks P – Sad and others for comments **

Did not give into urges yesterday. Had a few thoughts today but didn’t act of them. Feeling financial strain again after 2 weeks of not really worrying when was away. Managed to stall a nasty debt until next week but pressure on to earn that money in the next 7 days.

Have spent nothing in the shops apart from milk. I am going on a mega tight budget. Eating base food. I have some money but need every penny for the rent. I wont starve. Loneliness crept in again. Got this damnn woman I speak to. We supposed to be meeting a week Sunday. But I am having doubts. I am maybe just not into that situation right now.

Thinking again strongly about my next move – relocation. New start. Get the money together. Dump all my junk and walk!

[p]

Keep moving forward, gambling ruins things for us but you know when the days add up again and the money starts to rebuild again and you have enough to get you through that things will get better, its just right now.. I used to save and save then bust.. i would punish myself for gambling and not spend a cent on myself.. one thing i have found now is making recovery fun, filling it with things that are good and having little treats on the way.. only possible by not gambling.. making recovery fun and nice for myself allows me to enjoy life more and i have a better chance of wanting to stay in recovery if its a nice place.. i understand you are financially strapped now from gambling but it will get better, congratulations on resisting the urge yesterday, if you did it yesterday, you can do the same today.. just today dont gamble.. you will get through this period..

P

[JohnNobody]

Hi P thanks for your comments. Came here now as strong urges to gamble / deposit today. Have not paid my rent yet waiting for funds to arrive in my bank over night. Im around £70 short on the rent for this month (payment is 3 weeks delayed already!) plus need something to live off. The gambler inside says do a deposit …. doubt your money …. pay the rent …. all good!

This is exactly how it goes. Then I deposit …. loose and do another ”small” deposit to chase the one before that! God I so hate myself for thinking in this way.

I have not gambled but today will be pretty rough! Just hope I can keep busy with work and not give in to the urges. So far so good!

[micky]

Me too John those damn bloody urges are out to ruin everything so i thought i’d come and post too , good day, ironing, washing dishes , exercising-workout then those bloody cravings which if i acted on them would ruin my day, week, month, LIFE. So i made a coffee and decided to let it out on here 🙂

[kpat]

When I was trying to quit, I would pay all my bills up front. Then we would go to the casino and because they had not cleared yet, we would spend it all and watch as the rest of the week the bills I had paid would bounce like rubber balls. Fees and bounced checks were why I would usually go two weeks between the trips. As soon as the damage was slightly repaired, I would do it again.
I am now only two weeks behind in my mortgage where in October I was almost two months. It is getting better. It is just so slow.
Patience isn’t come by easily in a CG. Hang on tight and don’t give in!

[JohnNobody]

Been a few days since I posted. I do though lurk on the forums pretty much daily. Paid half my rent will pay other half Friday night. Averted homelessness due to the kindness of the landlady. But next rent due Monday! So working flat out to get ahead on that.

I am aware more than ever one of the causes of my depression comes directly from when I gamble. Being here and wanting to quit is also about being honest with yourself and others I think. So this week felt good early on. First time in a long while apart from when I was away in Denmark. Slept well. Ate okay worked well. Then I gambled. Not a massive amount it was a few quid. I lost (I always loose ) but the feeling the comedown you would thought I would have lost a fortune. It messed up my sleep opened up all kinds of worry’s and I felt so mad at myself.

Those feelings were short lived as the amount was nominal but the feelings were intense. I self excluded immediately when I knew I was at risk of chasing or turning the whole thing into total disaster. But it is one of those eurika moments if that makes sense. I learned something more about myself.

Since then I am pushing forward again. No options to gamble online every single casino closed off. Sure new ones will always be appearing but I go for specific kinds of casino and software for my destructive and pointless fix. I feel strangely OKAY!

Meet with a woman I met for second time Sunday which in itself is a minor miracle. Is my confidence returning ? too early to tell …. let us see!

[kpat]

I think as we become more self aware, the pain and messed up feelings come from knowing we knew better and did it anyways. I think we diappoint ourselves. The feeling if not having control over the urge really hurts me. I want to believe I am stronger than that. I know I am!
I know you are too. So does your inner psyche. We are getting stronger and and gambling becomes less and less fun, we see it for the lie it is.
Good that you are getting out in the world.

[JohnNobody]

Woke up with a message from my brother about some ”people” I need to meet to pay back a debt. I have had to tell him it needs to be rolled over until next week. Nothing to be done about it. It is not a good situation and brings home the truth about my current financial situation.

I get so tired of worrying and stressing over money. In the end what does it all mean ? Sick feeling in my stomach over the issue. Have been on detox since returning from Denmark. Not had a drink the past week and half. So my head is clear. Just need to have zero slips no matter if it is only a few quid! My mental state can NOT cope with it.

I am hating my situation this morning. Hating it I could scream ahhhh!!!! But I will be a good boy and focus on work. Have removed my email from a few more casino email lists where they ”entice” you with so called freebies. Somehow I know I wont gamble the next few days at least which is something. Onwards!

[Nimetön]

Hi John, I understand what you mean about feeling low Fter gambling even a small amount. AS you know I have had two slips in the last five months and in a strange way I feel I needed them. I think I needed to remember the pain afterwards.
I think what you are describing is similar. You are growing in self awareness and self discipline . You are resisting urges and making good decisions.. You are overcoming this addiction John . Well done !

[kpat]

Tackling the repercusions seem to be the hardest part of recovery for me. In reading your post and others’, I can see I am not alone. I hope these people give you the time you need to fix the issues. I don’t have these types chasing me, mine are more in the form of law firms, who have taken over my old debts from creditors. If I don’t pay they can freeze my bank accounts. I fear them, none the less. Stay safe and you are right to stay hard at work. That is the way to freedom, gotta pay up.
I will join you in the scream, ARGGH! What Have I done? Only way out is hard work, cause gambling got me here and I won’t believe it can fix this crap. It only ever caused it!

[JohnNobody]

Thanks Kpat Sad and Vera for your reply’s I do read them all!

No gambling – and if it had not been for the bump the week would have gone easier emotionally. Managed to buy some days on ”nasty” debts and clearing remainder of my rent tonight when my next money arrives. Then its into Feb.

Am out early Sunday. Used some free train vouchers Ii was given by the rail company as I got caught on Boxing day with delays. So it will be a cheap day to see this girl I met a while back. It all falls to bits though if for some reason my funds dont arrive tonight. I say that cause it shows just how close to the line we can live daily. And it is so tiring!

I feel strong in that I wont gamble. Im in the phase at the moment where I know I wont. But been in this phase many times before. Its the other periods and phases that are the worry. Somehow though I sense things are changing on a number of fronts and I say with caution these could be changes for the better finally.

[p]

Keep hanging in there.. those urges try to take us down, i sometimes see this addiction as a monster in a cage wanting a feed and it gets very roudy and restless when its hungry but the job i have is to starve it as its an evil lump of no good..
starve that monster and the more you starve it the more it will kick back but after a while it will weaken and you will become stronger and it will become weaker.. those hungry growls will die down and it will be easier the more and more you deny it… dont feed the monster john.. you are doing so well.. i hope your date goes well with the lady you met… how exciting. change is coming, grab onto it and dont look back, let go of gambling, embrace the new..

P

[JohnNobody]

Thanks P for your reply. I am all but useless at the moment with giving anything back to others here the past few days. But writing stuff down helps. Forgive my selfishness.

Have not gambled but dont feel good emotionally at the moment. Its been a rough few days. Have not gone out apart from 1 short trip to the shops and that was after dark.
Spoke with a councilor who calls me 1 time a week. It helped some. I need to go to my GP (been saying that for 3 months) to maybe look at medication for mood swings and the way I feel inside. Which many times is dead.

Sleep is shot and when it comes it is not quality sleep. Then at different times thoughts of gambling do come. I think of the escape hitting the big one so to speak but somehow dont know how am managing to deal with them the past days. One ray of sunshine managed to call the balifs off regarding a council tax debt. Did a deal direct with the council today on this. Other debts remain.

When does it actually end these awful feelings of losses that stretch not weeks nor months but years into the past. Wish I could wake up and have NO memory!!

[Nimetön]

Hey John
What’s up?
How did date go?

[kpat]

Hi John
I wanted to know about the date too. Please come back and update soon. Did you make an appointment for your GP?

[JohnNobody]

Hi been away for a few days but thanks Kpat Sad Vera for replys. Not spent hardly anytime on here. Was at my dads for the weekend. No gambling. Got prescription for meds as went to Drs. Not started on them yet but will tomorrow. Dr was Okay I suppose but stiff but did his duty in maxing me out on tablets and made a referral to local shrink.

Date other week was fun went fine. Got a bit drunk ate too much food. Came home early evening. We may meet again but lots going on in my life right now. It is one of those down days today again. Seeing my father , aged and slow , him sat in the front room watching TV. He seems so lost much of the time without mum here anymore.

Came back to the empty flat … whats new . Anyway tomorrow will start on the meds – will keep working – will keep fighting – will keep planning. I detest depression. Detest it!!!

[JohnNobody]

Started my course of Citalopram today. It will take a few weeks before the happy pills kick in. Have been warned they can make you feel worse before you feel better.

But also got Zopiclone for sleep. Only 16 doses not to be used each night but if / when I struggle to sleep. Maybe tonight when I finish work I will get a full nights deep sleep. I hope so.

Took me long enough to reach out to get the above help but its a step in what I hope is the right direction.

[kpat]

I am familiar with both of these and they work. Neither should be mixed with alcohol so be careful there. You are right that it takes a little time for the citalopram to reach the desired result, so don’t expect a suddden change. Just taking the steps you have show that you are definitely on the right track. The laymen’s view on antidepressants is a shame. If someone had diabetes or hypertension, most everyone would agree that a medicine is the right course, depression needs to be treated as well. Our circumstances can create depression, but often times it is an imbalance in mood related hormones and these require regulating just like any other disease process. Good job in looking after yourself. Caring for our physical and mental well being is vitally important if we hope to beat this addiction. We are worth it!

[JohnNobody]

Came of the tablets as they were giving me some really bad side effects. So back to Drs Tuesday to re-evaluate what can be done. Went out got drunk last night first time in a while. The day was fun but then I messed it all up coming home. I gambled. Right back to square one. Feeling it today on all fronts and not helped at all by the major hangover!

I detest my weakness. Hate myself for what I did. Saturday I have my female friend coming. Luckily I withdrew some cash so am not going to be flat broke. But I have not made it easy. I am not here for sympathy I am here cause I suppose I have no where else to go. Last night gambling was a blur. The loss was £200 . Just as I was starting to see sense and make small steps it all collapses. Work output virtually at zero today. Sick and tired of always loosing to the addiction.

[JohnNobody]

Just had a hellish call from my Sons mother. I have not paid child support at all. The selfishness of the compulsive gambler.
Today is just getting worse by the hour. A bad place to be in.

[p]

Maybe come chat in the groups there is one on now or get to the one on one helpline when it is open, you sound like you are in a bad place, whatever happens just start over and keep starting till you get it.. no matter how many times dont give up

P

[Nimetön]

Hi John, what a bad day you are having . An alcohol and gambling hangover !! Poor you! The great thing is when you go to bed tonight u know u will wake up feeling better !! I think going to bed after a long day with a phangover is a great feeling .
You will earn that £200 again John. You have cash for your date .
You have had another reminder of how compulsive this addiction is and how we need to be prepared for when the addiction kicks in!
Life will seem brighter tomorrow John!!

[Nimetön]

Hi John, what a bad day you are having . An alcohol and gambling hangover !! Poor you! The great thing is when you go to bed tonight u know u will wake up feeling better !! I think going to bed after a long day with a phangover is a great feeling .
You will earn that £200 again John. You have cash for your date .
You have had another reminder of how compulsive this addiction is and how we need to be prepared for when the addiction kicks in!
Life will seem brighter tomorrow John!!

[JohnNobody]

Thanks to everyone who has supported me left replys and emailed me!!!

Tonight I handed over my bank card to my niece. She will by tomorrow have full control over my banking. Time now to be accountable. I can not continue with these lapses. I have to beat this!

Had some fresh air. Now going to maybe take a bath and then pop a sleeping tablet and hopfully come up tomorrow feeling not so dark. I am glad this wretched day is almost at an end.

[JohnNobody]

Took a sleeping tablet around 1am while watching a movie. It calmed me down. And then I slept. Woke up a while ago a bit groggy but at least I had did not have to face a loss this morning. I feel okay and good about handing over my card to my Niece Amber. It gives me a sense of some security as I know I can not gamble or it makes it really hard at the least.

My only other weak point is my paypal account which I need for work. That has a card attached to it. I am dropping that off at Ambers today. I need to cut all possible avenues of being able to deposit. Amber will deliver me 30 quid for food on Wednesday morning next week from my account.

I have given nothing to others here in ages and here you all are rallying and supporting me. I feel humbled by this. I want to be here for other people as well. Day 1 is today.

[JohnNobody]

Took a walk to clear the head from the sleeping meds. Bought some bleach as my toilet now has living organic material in it and with my femme friend arriving I have to do something to make it partially livable. I am amazed how far my mess has built up. I have bin liners as per advise of someone here and will be doing a black bag temp clean up.

Basically shove everything into bin liners put it away and sort it after she has gone. The hangover both alcohol and gambling based has started to recede. I have to watch what money I have left to cover the weekend but think I will just about do it. Why on earth did I put myself in this place ??

Working also today. My income has been smashed this week. Staved off council tax payment until next week. A bailiff was at the door today for another old council tax bill. Pressure on all fronts. My own fault as I am gambled when I could have started to sort out my mess.

[p]

I’m glad you slept and you didn’t gamble.. I laughed at cleaning the loo because you have company coming as I got a visual of you madly scrubbing away and there’s a knock at the door just gave me a giggle.. Just keep moving ahead no rush,, get through today gamble free…

P

[kpat]

It is a very hard thing to do, to admit that we have very little control over ourselves when it comes to gambling. Your niece is a good person to help in your recovery like this. As the money comes in, it will give you piece of mind that your urges won’t deplete the hard work you have put in. Gambling is such a waste. We work and work and then like some kind of zombie, just hand over it all for some short term thrill. Good for you for putting a stop to yourself! I have done the clean up you are talking about. I found the bags/ boxes of junk in the back of my closet where my husbband shoved them from last year. Now, I ask you, if it could sit that long without my needing any of it….How much did I need to save it to begin with???

[JohnNobody]

Thanks Kpat and P for your comments. My loo is still clean! and My Niece still has hold of my card.

The weekend was nice too nice in fact. Got my femme friend back to the station this afternoon. We met yesterday I was feeling stressed and somewhat panicy … maybe the downturn from coming off the meds and the after effects of everything I did last week. I managed to relax a bit when we were sat in the station bar. Had a few drinks but not many. I was on soft drinks and tea by 8pm.

We stayed home in the end in my hovel. She is easy going and funny and very down to the earth. Somehow in the end I told her I was a CG. She was asking about my life n stuff. Felt strange somebody asking me face to face. So I just blurted it out. Told her I now have a cash economy and part a small part of my story. Her reaction was at first a laugh. Not in a bad way but because she said she knows nothing of gambling.

She did not judge but did not really understand either. How could she it is alien to her. CGs can live almost in a twilight underworld where only those affected by gambling can understand. She knows now I have certain issues 😉 the meds the docter the therapy ….. she does not understand depression. Has never suffered it … but that is a way is like fresh air to me. Her attitude is not uncaring just matter of fact. She did not judge me though. Then we ate chinease food and watched a movie about a psycho women killing her husband lol …. but it was so good to do something normal.

For the first time in 3 years I felt part of the human race again for a few hours. Surreal. And without going into personal stuff to have someone laid next to me in my pit was different and I slept well without any tablets.

Back now in my flat. It is still clean apart from some dishes. Wednesday I will pick up money from my niece for food. She will make some payments for me I need to cover and that will be as close as I get to my money.

For the first time also in many years I am missing having my female friend here. That is not a bad feeling in fact it is good because it shows I am feeling normal human emotions that all people can go through other than the drain and toxicity of depression and gambling.

I have a long way to go but this weekend it felt good. And I am alive and today I have not gambled. I am thankful for that.

[micky]

Thanks John for your post means alot , just read your last post very positive well done 🙂

[JohnNobody]

5 days now since I last gambled. I do not have my debit card on me and went through my emails and dropbox account removing all photos I had taken of my debit card. I took the pictures to verify my account at the numerous casinos I gambled online at.

I have and am getting urges to gamble but need to stay strong. This week is bad financially but hey when is it not ?
I am making a payment to my sons mum tonight so hope she gets that tomorrow or the next day. Paying a council tax bill and then will have a little left over for food.

My work output was okay yesterday but could have been better. I wont / cant gamble today and my account is at zero. Had an appointment with the Drs tomorrow as I need to look at different meds. The Citrilopram knocked me for 6 but I am feeling it now …. those heavy thoughts …. worsening sleep pattern again. I hate it! Was such a good weekend and now back to the dreary life.

One nasty debt still massively outstanding I can not pay this week. Just not enough money. Last weeks gambling took care of that.

[JohnNobody]

I made right choices today! Over night some money came into my account. Instructed my niece to pay some of my Council bill (it already has a magistrates charging order attached to it) so that one was important.

But more importantly sent a western union wire to my Sons mum. Not a great deal of money but enough to buy a weeks worth of shopping or what ever. Told her I will make another wire next week. She was happy to get the money and was glad I sent it!

I could have easily gambled the money last night if I had access to my card … which I do not. It does not leave much left but I wont starve by any means. There is 1 nasty debtor that is expecting payment today but can not get to that. I can only do what I can do right now.

It is coming up to a week tonight where I lost my mind for the 10001 time. Smashing what had been a lovely day out. Anyway here I am. Alive and fighting. Even if I did get my bank card the bank account is almost empty and I am living on a cash economy right now.

Now I am off to the Drs again to see about the medication. I am hoping he will give more sleeping tablets as they are really helping me. Keep fighting everyone!!!

[JohnNobody]

Went to the Dr’s and he agreed to adjust my medication to a lower dosage and also armed me with another round of sleeping tablets. The latter seems to be helping me more than the Citrilopram. Some nights I really struggle to sleep which does not help the situation. Neither I suppose does getting hooked on sleep meds but there you go.

Im a week now since my last fall from grace. Managed to push a ”nasty” debt back to next week. The pressure financially is on me and next week will be tough going. But I have not gambled.

Missing my son like crazy and looking at how to afford a ticket to see him for a few days. It all comes down to being able to put the hours into the work I do. For me no work = no money. Double edged sword of being self employed. I feel okay within myself tonight … had a bit of a silent do with a woman I am getting to know but not going to stress on that. There is talk of us meeting up for a 4th time but lets see.

[JohnNobody]

Its well over a week since my last collapse. I feel okay about this. Had strong urges to gamble last night but could not as no way to deposit as I dont have my debit card. The urges passed and I woke up sane this morning. My work output is higher although I am being somewhat lazy watching too many movies and eating junk food. But at least I can eat!

Got rent due in a day or 2 it will be delayed again but no more than a week this time. Also have to send another child support payment which I need to cover next week. But none of this happens when I squander my money at the online casinos. I admit I miss the gambling … the thrill the chase and that worrys me. I hate myself for that. But I wont gamble cant gamble. Keep fighting good people!!!

[micky]

Hi john thanks for your post on my thread it’s always good to hear from you , like me it’s only a short while since my last collapse as you put it, but like my brother said to me at least your trying to change your life around 🙂 so many others just give up 🙁 i’m glad your still around and posting too, we are all here for each other 🙂

[JohnNobody]

I am still doing okay. No gambling – but thoughts of gambling for sure every day! But without access to money (the plastic kind) its pretty hard. I know my niece would see hell freeze over before handing back my card to me at the chosen time.

I have earned good money this week and have it scheduled for payments out this coming Tuesday and Wed. It will leave me almost flat broke again but at least it is going in the right direction. Planning another trip abroad to see my Son.I hope I get there by the end of this month. But need to keep my work output high to make this happen.

I feel ok today if not somewhat bored but am going to bury my head in work and see what I can earn. Then maybe later go out for a few hours see my niece and maybe have a beer or 2. I have been on self imposed detox the past 10 days and my body feels somewhat fit again. I need to loose a few pounds though so thinking of joining the swimming pool / Gym.

Came of the meds I have a prescription for a lower dose of the same disco biscuits but am going to see how I go without them. No sleeping tablets the last 2 nights although last night took me a long while to finally sleep. I really do not want to slip back and end up back in that dark place!

[butchugly]

fluoxitine or sertraline are better options for compulsiveness.
fluoxetine takes about two weeks the feel the benefit. sertraline takes approximately a month. If you can get your doc to prescribe a mood stabiliser with it such as lamotrogine, it can be very helpful. I am a psychiatric nurse and a CG. but I don’t take medication..probably should. funny really. I can help others but not myself. also promethazine will aid sleep without the addictiveness of zopiclone. promethazine will help you to get deep sleep without waking u feeling hung over. a lot of psychiatrists in the uk prescribe it. GPs need reminding about it..they always opt for zopiclone first forgetting that sometimes people just need a good solid night sleep to help aid there moods. zopiclone can help to get into a good sleep pattern but can often leave you feeling flat in mood.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Butch, I did discuss sertraline with my doc but they have other side effects which could interfere with my work. He has dropped me to 10mg of Citalopram as opposed to 20mg. But as I said not taken them yet. Back at shrinks on Tuesday afternoon to look at it further. One thing about Citalopram is it is like chemical castration! Totally voids any feelings in that way. A well known side effect (one my Dr did not tell me when he put me on them) but lets. My mood is holding the past few days but know darker thoughts sit and wait like a tiger ready to pounce back anytime! thanks for you info ))

[butchugly]

you have three options night, morning and mid afternoon. a lot of people don’t realise this but if the side effects are too much. taking them around say 2-3pm, side effects won’t kick in till your tucked away in bed. Often if you take them at night, you can end up feeling lethargic mid afternoon the next day.

[JohnNobody]

Thanks for the info and yes I can see why taking meds at set times can make a difference. I wont though be going back on the 20mg of the Citral …. totally did my head in and had awful side effects. The Z sleeping meds do help greatly though but I dont take them every night. Don’t want to replace one addiction with another 😉

[micky]

Thanks John for the post on my thread , we must help ourselves and take ” DIRECT ACTION ” Like you say 🙂 . M

[JohnNobody]

Had strong urges at different points today. Do I learn NOTHING from my disgraceful past!! Did not follow through on them though. Just angry that they persist. No gambling today. Instead I just had a slob of a day intermittent with bouts of work. Time for a Netflix movie now then at some point before 5am try sleep.

I detest my addiction to gambling. I did forward think though to how I would feel when I loose (I always lost) and thought back to 10 days ago when I blew my brains out online. The sick terrible feeling that has taken over a week to shake off. Gotta keep at this. No choice!
Keep fighting everyone in your own way and with your own very unique battles!!!!

[kpat]

This is exactly why barriers are so important! I could never make it more than two weeks on my own and only then because I WAS BROKE!!
It takes extraordinary measures to change habits and move forward. Even though gambling only ever brought me pain in the past 5 years, my brain says, dont you remember when it was fun? What a load of crap. I know you can beat this and have a good life ahead. You will have quite the story to help others when you get to the otherside too!

[Nimetön]

”And at some point you will manage to thrive without gambling :-)” And you will too.

I dont keep up to date with your thread John but know how low you felt before Christmas, and its so sad that bloody gambling can make rational adults feel like they have nothing to live for.

You do try I know that and I can see you are taking positive steps so please keep plucking away at it. Theres no reason what so ever for you to gamble today. And theres no reason to gamble on any new today.

It may well be a while before either of us can truly thrive, however neither of us can do any more than not gamble for today.

Take care mate, and thanks for posting on my thread.

Geordie.

[JohnNobody]

Well sometimes things happen out of our control! Not to do with gambling I am still free of that. But a company I do some work for slammed me with a ”delay” in payments until later this month. Right before I was due to get a payment in. Have told them this is not acceptable but they not sure what they can do about the delay!

This kind of thing really gets me down. It may be small money to some but to me its vital. Got council tax / rent / food / child support to pay this week. None of it so far is going to happen. Typical I get back into financial mess now due not to gambling or my own stupidity but that of others. It always rains ALWAYS! This week is going to be a hard one. Could scream !!!!

[charlster2]

I don’t think I’m the only one here that can relate to a large part of your story.

Your last post is the very kind of setback that provides me with an excuse or reason to gamble. I’m new to this site so it gives me great hope that you are remaining gambling free in the face of adversity, the very challenge that lies ahead for me.

These things are sent to test us and as gamblers, past and present, the test to us is far greater than to most.

I just wanted to wish you all the best really, especially with what appears a testing week ahead. Reading journals such as yours does give people like me hope.

Charlster2

[JohnNobody]

HI yes it is crap week now. Just got news that now the ”head office” not answering emails nor phone calls. This is a bad place to be in right now with my economy so fragile. I am screwed on all fronts and have had to quickly switch to working with another company but at least 2 and half weeks before any money comes through from them.

Angry that I am at the mercy of other people due to my pathetic addiction. I have no idea how I will go through this week. First time in months I was due to pay my rent within only 3 or 4 days of being late and now this. I sometimes truly wonder what the point is!!!! Society owes us nothing neither does the world … but it can suck to be screwed by people.

[butchugly]

Could it be a blessing. Maybe try and look at it like this. Yes this week may be a struggle.. But no money might be good right now. You are at a very early stage in recovery aren’t you?
So when you do get this money you are waiting for, you’ll have to pay all these things straight away. Less temptation? Or not

[Nimetön]

Hi John , the worse thing about t his addiction is that it makes us so vulnerable financially. What would be a small set back for others becomes a crisis for us . I can so relate To it . Last year I was paid a week late aNd after working my whole life I couldn’t afford a cup of coffee.

The good news is that you are gamble free and the longer you stay that way the sooner these kind of days will be a thing of the past.

The only solution is to stay gamble free… Even though it is tempting to gamble ..the addiction. Is always ready to tempt us with its particular solution .. But we all know how that works out !
Hang in there … You are making great progress John

[JohnNobody]

Thanks all for your reply’s. And yes Sad it does make us horribly financially vulnerable and so the knock on effects of any kind of delay can be horrendous.

This is not a blessing in disguise though as I already have zero access to my own money but was going to push ahead this week and now cant. I have no intentions of even trying to gamble or get my debit card back. And the bank account is empty anyway.

Bought some food have a few quid. I wont starve but am hating that I have to phone my landlady (AGAIN!!!) but this time through circumstance above and out of my control.

So much this week going hit the fan. Council tax deal will fall through but nothing to be done. I will fight through though and will not gamble anywhere. Shows me I need to be much stronger financially and soon as I can regain FULL independence over my own income and cut out the middle man.

I will either have my own business up and running by the end of this year or will be sectioned ha ha …. watch this space I am down but not out! Onwards keep fighting the good fight people!!!

[kpat]

There he is! That’s JohnSomebody talking/typing!! I remember having my bank account frozen becaue I was behind on a loan. Having to fix that was humiliating. They could see all the withdrawals to the casino.
This paticular setback is not from gambling, and the longer you go without gambling, this sort of thing will be taken in stride. It is the truth that the repurcussions last a good long while, but day by day we get better able to roll with it all.

[kpat]

There he is! That’s JohnSomebody talking/typing!! I remember having my bank account frozen becaue I was behind on a loan. Having to fix that was humiliating. They could see all the withdrawals to the casino.
This paticular setback is not from gambling, and the longer you go without gambling, this sort of thing will be taken in stride. It is the truth that the repurcussions last a good long while, but day by day we get better able to roll with it all.

[JohnNobody]

Thanks Kpat for your message 🙂 Been there where others can see the casino deposits etc on bank statements mortifying! Probably would not be a none CG but here we are !

Bet free still and totally broke but not starving. Will hopefully get some kind of money in this week but you know I will roll with the punches and keep pressing ahead. Worked pretty well today no thoughts of gambling. My head is clearer than it was 2 weeks ago.
From tomorrow this week starts to fall apart – the phone will ring, people will chase – I will be checking my inbox for ”pay me now or else” emails but I will deal with it. I recon with current payments another week and I can get some breathing space so long as they are no more nasty surprises on the way. It is a given that if I gamble all of that will go to hell and without doubt thats how I would feel ”hellish”

keep fighting!!!

[JohnNobody]

Took a walk with my niece today. Spring was all around. Was speaking to her about my father. He is missing mum terribly these past days. He found her glasses. When I told this to my niece I started to cry. First time in months and outside in the open. Something about her glasses …. felt the pain and loss in that moment like it was day one and in some ways it was more painful. All because of her glasses. I miss my mum terribly today. thats all I have to say right now.

[vera]

Personal possessions often serve as a link with loved ones who have passed on, John.
I have no doubt that your mum is looking down on you.
Grief hits us at unexpected time.
I remember wheeling my baby out in his pram when he was 4 months old and suddenly thinking my mother never lived to see him….
Bittersweet moments!

[kpat]

I hope you are doing well. I read your post the other day and it really touched my heart. I stopped what I was doing and called my Mother. I noticed you haven’t posted in afew days and thought I would let you know you’re missed.

[Nimetön]

Hi John, I so felt your pain..little things that are such a big part of someone we love remind us of the enormity of our loss.
You mum is watching over you John .

[kpat]

Hi John
good or bad you once posted to me,
Let us know how you are. Miss your posts!

[I_Maverick]

Hi Maverick, Maverick here. Some people mentioned you when I was on some of the support groups. Funny, you posted 1 day after my brithday last year, so you can’t be me.

Just wondering if that is your name, or why you chose it. I was named after a horse so Maverick is my real name – Curse of my life I sometimes think. I hope you are doing well with the addiction. I hit Day 11 today no gamble.

John, yours is such an amazing story. I haven;t goit uyp to date yet, but I hope you are doing well. I am looing forward to reading more. Cannot sleep due to thoughts of mistakes, past, what i have ruined etc. This will pass i am sure.

good luck

[I_Maverick]

Hi JOhn

have been up since 4am reading your story. how are you? How you doing? So much of what you wrote rings true to me and what i am going through now. buisness ruined, relatinoship ruined, wife taking young son back to her country of irgin. but i will get through this. i will be strong for the rest of my life. hope you are doing ok and you are gamble free. please post. i am day 11 now.

[JohnNobody]

Hi thanks for the comments while I have been absent from here. I have been lurking here and reading the email alerts I get through. I just felt I needed to take a step back for a while for my own personal reasons.

I feel like I am moving into a better place mentally now. I decided not to continue with my medication in any form. Spoke it through with someone and even on half dosage it had rank side effects for me. So its cold turkey for me. Strangely I think the short time I was on the happy pills it shocked my system. Overall though for the fist time in months I do not feel the black heavy cloud of depression around me.

My gambling addiction is still around me but it no longer holds me in a vice like grip. Slowly making sense of my life and pushing forward with things I need to achieve before this years out. Off to Denmark soon to spend time with my son. Managed even to pay child support the past few weeks and give my son money for a school trip to Paris that he is on right now.

I read here lots of peoples storys about the struggle and sheer hell of where this addiction takes us. Am I survivor ? too early to tell. Will I finally make good things in my life rather than one river of cra@p after another ? I recon I can.
Onwards and thanks again for the comments left for me 🙂

[I_Maverick]

Hi JOhn, glad to see you are back. While you were gone I had another relapse, but today is day 8 clean. My sense of depression is still huge as I try to figure out what to do with my life. I hope you are ok, it sounds as if you are. Going to Denmark to see you son must be very exciting.

Are you in a fit state to give any advice? I read on your first post that you had ruined businesses. I take it they were your own. My business is close to collapse due to my negligence, not taking money, and I am trying to find people to talk to. If you can’t, I understand.

I wish you all the best, and hope you stay gamble free and continue to rescue your life. YOu sound like a top bloke, and I really want you to succeed.

[vera]

Delighted that things are looking up for you, John! You have come a long long way! Being off the meds will help to clear up your thinking but remember to use them if you need a temporary crutch. I hope you never let that Vice grip you again. Today, I feel totally free of the G bug!
Thanks for all your support!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Maverick yes I did loose my business in the end and a few homes and a few cars and everything else. I would say around 80% due to my addiction maybe a few points less maybe a few points more. Who knows ? But it does not matter now. I am learning to let go of what is gone. That held me back for so long grieving for the past.
Each situation is different and although I cant give qualified help I know something about dealing with debt / getting out of tough corners. It would depend how close to the edge everything is with your biz. I am more than happy to give advise based on my own experience which may or may not fit your circumstances.

For me it was about letting go and starting afresh -) which is where I am at now. Down but never out. We need balls to climb out of the pit …. I refuse to drown! Here for you for sure!!!

[JohnNobody]

Hi Vera yes being of meds gives me a clear head. I sure get some down days but I take a kick it in the teeth approach now. In my brain when I start to work things over im switching channels more and more. I dont dwell on quitting I just be in the moment and plan for the future as much as I can. I will never count how many days or weeks it is since I last gambled as for me it is pointless and makes no sense. Its now that matters. I will always be a gambler but choose not to as much as I possibly can.

But I am soon before the end of this year going to take a huge gamble in the way of investment. All in …. it will be either make or break. Let us see but I am not afraid of it. Keep at it Vera I know how determined you are!!!!

[butchugly]

I just wanted to say well done!! Your motivation and attitude has inspired me

[p]

Well done on your gamble free time and what a difference in you and the strength you show.. i read back to your really bad relapse last year and what a different state you are in.. just keep going and i think you are doing a fantastic job. It is so good to see the change. Is there anyone you can talk to about this upcoming decision of investing. It sounds big.
Glad you dont count days, i know it helps some but for myself ive fallen over many times because of it.. you are right its now that matters and living in today

P

[JohnNobody]

Well reading replys here seems like a nerve hit with ”counting the days” I can see how this valuable for many but at the same time can be so damn intense. We can spend so much time telling ourselves NOT TO GAMBLE RESIST THE URGES – I NEED TO QUIT that it becomes utterly draining. And does not really free our mind from gambling. Even counting the days gets us thinking of gambling and when (if) we lapse we feel crushed as if we have murdered someone or committed some horrendous act.

I choose now never to count as I said. When I think about gambling / casinos winning big I dont dwell on it. I think past that point. Do something but do not put pressure on myself. I know the urges pass. I have slipped around 3948438349234932 times ….. and always came back to quitting. The difference is the past 3 years I had no real goals no real vision of where I wanted to be. That was destroyed in the Tsunami that was my life. But night gives way to light and I started to wake up again. Started to feel passionate about life again. Small but definitive steps. Plus I have a woman in my life which helps. The loneliness the past 3 years nearly killed me!!!! I looked in the mirror and saw only a monster staring back at me. These days I still see an ugly chimp but I care not lol. There I was this past sunday in a bar drinking a beer with a girl whom I am starting to have feelings for. I looked like a tramp with my cheap jeans, dreadful shoes and even worse haircut. (I cut it myself do not ask) but it was fun and it was enjoyable. And I felt something when I said goodbye to her until next time.

So here I am poorer than all church mice in the world but still here. I need to work 6 months solid now to build up the capital I need and then its restart! I will bore you a bit later with the idea on this. But it is a plan. Something we ALL need.

I have read all your replys and many of you mean so much to me in ways you will never know. If people need me I hope I am here for you!!!

< will remove the email tomorrow but its here it case anyone needs to blast off. Come on good people FIGHT!

[p]

well done on the gamble free time.. keep going and doing what works for you.. i have also slipped around that many times hahahahah.. or more.. but the only reason i am here now is because i get back up after i am knocked down as you are doing too.. well done.. keep going. and use all the support available.. this is one cunning, sneaky addiction.. arm yourself against it in any way you can.. you are doing well

P

[JohnNobody]

Hi all. thanks P and others for your messages. So rude of me not to reply. But I have been busy away from here. And seems like many posts and threads that are happening I have catch up to do for sure!

So quick update. Gamble free (still) no intention of going back I hope!
Started a new contract which brings in money daily which is a boost. Get paid through every few hours depending what I earn so having more cash flow helps. Even though still broke.

Bought a ticket to see my son. Fly out week on Friday. Feeling low within myself again the past few days though. Gotta get the head straight – go to remained focused. Its April already!!!!

[vera]

Great to hear you are G -free, John and that you have constant work and a ticket bought to see your son. All the things that you were only dreaming of a few months ago!
I hope you mood lifts. In my experience, sleep and weather influence our mood and ”humours”! Everything passes!

[JohnNobody]

Hello good people. It has been a while. I needed time for myself. Time to allow healing … its still early weeks but not days anymore. Have not gambled …. have thought it about ….but I have not followed through.

In October of last year I came here. My life was grinding to a halt. I was ready for exit. I wanted to embrace the darkness. I had the method worked out …. the tools were ready. I just lacked what I thought was courage to do the deed. Then I paused and stopped a moment …. and then I began to reach out. But this time I was reaching out not only to quit gambling but to save my own life.

Somehow with the help of meeting some Amazing people on the way (you know who you are) and with getting proper help and council I have managed to start climbing out of the pit.

For the the first time in over 3 years I do not feel depressed anymore. I have seen my son just last week and am already planning my next trip. Small steps in a big world.
My brother oldest one had a heart attack this week. He battled and over came. He is at home now … recovering. Life really can be delicate …. and so the value we place on that life and how will live has to be given the highest priority!!!

None of ”us” here need gambling … it never gave us anything but stress low self esteem and for some like myself total ruin.

I can not say I wont ever gamble again but I can say I have no desire to at this period in my life. I am rebuilding , working on a contract that makes me feel like I did 15 years ago. Actually excited to get up in the morning and keep pushing forward. I owe god knows how much. But I will not be phased by it. One day all creditors will be silenced! That day is still a long way off.

I have missed much of what has gone on here and maybe my time at GT will come to an end. But I could not be here if it were not for this place or you reading this now. Take hope from this from my life. I have lost the lot! And More! And yet now as I climb the pit I can see that life still goes on and I want to be a part of it for as many years as I have left.

No idea how many days or weeks since I last gambled and I do not care. I wont count I will just be here and now …. and look forward to tomorrow!

[I_Maverick]

Great to see you back old boy. Fantastic post, full of positivity. Like you I actually feel like I am climbing out of the pit – have just started infact. I am actually coming to terms with what I have done and the ramifications. I am glad of what happened, as it is leading me to a better place. A better me. One without all my faults. I was mseed up prior to falling ill with gambling, whether it was alcohol, drugs or other forms of self medication. The gambling is merely the latest, but the one which might actually cure me – oddly.

I am so pleased to hear such positive words from you, and I am heartened by your post. If you can can it we all can. It just takes courage to act.

Awesome about your son and hopefully your relationship will heal.

Stay around JohnNObody (love that name) and keep up informed of your progress – it is good for all our souls to share in our recoveries.

Love ya!

[vera]

Glad to see a post from you John! What a difference 6 months can make! You have come a very long way.
Sorry to hear of your brother’s heart attack. Good that he is still here to tell the tale! Let it be a wake up call! As you say, life is delicate.
I believe none of us will get an hour longer than our measure.
In the meantime we should be grateful for our blessings and make the most of every day.
I have been in never never land for too long! Time to start making the most of every day!
Thanks for the post on my thread and all your support throughout your time here!
You’re a ”true blue” John!

[JohnNobody]

Hi some of you may remember some not … some wont even know me. But I came to this site last year in the depths of despair. Truly the darkest period of my life where suicide seemed like a very reasonable and desired option.

I fought back as I know all of you here are doing. And am finally in the process of rebuilding. 3rd time of trying!

There is way through this addiction and even though it is a cliche … if I can do then trust me anyone can!!! I am as my name implys Nobody. But today I value life and value what I have. I think about gambling … I think about my addiction … and the urges come …. and then I stop.

I have a contract I am working on and hope to have my new company set up by the end of this year … (so long as I work through a total mess with HMRC) but it does not scare me as it used. Focus on the solution and not the problems.

I know some of you are going through hell right now. And I know for some it will feel as if there is no end in sight … But please try gain some hope from my wretched story. I have a long way to go … but I feel at peace and I feel energized again like I have not in over 4 years!

I miss hanging out here … and I miss all the good people whom I met and who were here for me when I fell and fell again. I am at the moment a terrible communicator as I am so wrapped up with things going on in my life. And I apologize for this.

I really want you all here to beat this awful debilitating addiction. I never will personally beat it … I have accepted that. I will always be an addict. But I hope an addict who can continue to say that ”today I wont gamble”

Kudos to you all!!!

JN.

[Nimetön]

H John, so happy to read you have got your life back on track and you are looking forward to the future. Reading your story fills me with hope . Thank you for sharing !

[kpat]

It is good to hear from you. I am so happy to read you are doing well. I am sure you can accomplish anything you put your efforts toward. 🙂

[JohnNobody]

Hello most of you wont remember me. Its been a while since I last wrote anything on here. But I do read the forum often and get email alerts of different posts. For myself I have come out of a very very dark place. I was almost at the edge and then stepped back and chose life. Have not gambled and am rebuilding my life.

Im soon to leave England and start afresh in a new Country near my son. Have a business now that is mobile so I can earn and travel. On that I feel so lucky. My debt are sky high but wont get any bigger. I am going of the grid for a while to really allow full acceptance of my new life. I miss thrill of the casinos but not the sick depressive feelings that followed. And I really hope I have the courage and mindset to keep on this path. Gambling always lurks in one form or another ready to pounce. But I can see now that without it so many other things are possible.

They are a few people here I feel really bad about not keeping contact with. People who really did support me. I want to reach out to them again and soon. They know who they are. My silence was not personal …. just had to go underground to really get to grips with my life.

Have traveled to Denmark a few times to see my son and going again this month with him as he here this week to be with me. Its a liberating feeling being able to do simple things like buy him a flight ticket without worrying if I can afford to get him from the airport or how I would feed him.

Depression has left me …. it shows this mental illness can be beaten. Gambling has not left me and never will but I choose to live with that and just not indulge.

Just want to say hope my wretched story of Rags to Riches and back to Skid Row and then recovery can give some hope to some of you here. I know from what I have read how hard many of you battle here. Cliche I know but as I have said before If I can do this …. then everyone can.

My real name if I have not said it before is Dino. I am no longer JohnNobody.

[vera]

Remember you, Dino?
How could I ever forget you, for all your support and goodness to me? I wish you all the very best Life can bring. I ALWAYS knew you would get back on track. Sadly, some don’t!

My stage name is still ”Vera”!!

[JohnNobody]

Vera how are you ? its been too long. Too long and how could Ii forget you. The kindness you showed me when you offered me a place at your home last Christmas and even though I did not make it over I wont forget that you reached out. x

[I_Maverick]

’John’ I just wanted to wish you a great thanks for the small bit of time you gave me a few months ago when I was really low and very fucked up. Your advice was spot on. I wish you all the best with your new life, and please expect an email from me at some point regarding my new creative project. Whether you are involved or not will be down to you and circumstances, but if it’s ok with you I would like to contact you about it. It is not money related, and will not happen in the near future.

You have given me hope in the way you have approached your recovery and are not just abstinent. Also, the way you describe rebuilding your relationship with your son is truly inspiring. My son is way too young to know what I did but you have opened my eyes further to what makes a father. Good luck to you, all my prayers with you and yours and I will ask my higher power to say hi to your higher power. They have share a beautiful fresh orange juice from the garden of eden together.

See you around in the new life.

[JohnNobody]

Hey Maverick im always interested in new ideas always! Email me anytime! And hope you getting things sorted your end … take care look forward to hearing from you 🙂

[Nimetön]

Hi John, Its good to read success stories..it reminds us it can be done..
It’s really good to hear that life is going well for you..I guess those bin bags are well and truly sorted now.

you have also helped many on here but we all need to lie low sometimes.
take care and best of luck with the move!

[JohnNobody]

Hello I used to post here a few years or so ago. I still get the odd email alert for a few threads I subscribed to back then. They were very very dark days, the support and help I got here probably saved my life! 2014 through to 2015 was truly the pits. And when my gambling was at epidemic proportions.

Well I want to say that there is HOPE! You can over come this dreadful addiction. I came through a very very dark tunnel one at times I really felt would claim my life and yet I am here.

I am blocked at every casino in the UK now, have not gambled in god knows how long. And while I will always be an addict, the thought of making a deposit feels alien to me.

It took me years to crush this, years to get my life back in order, and yet managed it somehow. I do not say this to gloat, or big myself up, I was truly a wretch of man! But I say it to give hope to those who are feeling despair that there is no way through. Honestly If I can do this, you can also!

I remember names here who pulled me back from the brink, they gave much I gave little. But I wont forget ever. I sometimes lurk here, reading the odd post and see the destruction gambling can do. But you do not and should not give up home.

I have 1000 and 1 ”first day of no gambling” finally something clicked and I stopped and never went back. I have managed to clear most of my debt, have lived a frugal life to do this. Nothing saved for the future but I sleep at night these days.

I really wish each and everyone of you the best things in moving forwards with your lives. Dont give up giving up!

So take it from me one sorry looser …. there is hope out there … and a way through to a new life!

John aka Dino

[Had a bad day]

That’s inspirational. Just what I need to hear right now on day 4. I hope I will be writing a similar post in a few years time. We’ll done x

[Julkaisija]

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