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#52450
Rdy4Chng
Participant

I really want to thank you for that response. It’s like you know me. I feel like I know you too. I feel like our battle has been sort of the same. Different of course but always reading your thread I felt like I just “knew” exactly how you felt. 

I think for me, I was coping (still am coping) with losing my Mom. Not the best way to do it. And since I had all kinds of extra money, I just went crazy with it. Since my original post, I have still put that large sum of money away where I can’t touch it and yet I still found ways to gamble. I could use my pay, my cc, my line of credit, etc. I mean that’s what I did before but then I would go into my Stash of money and pay it off. I am not doing that anymore and I think that is what is really stopping me this time – I have to figure out how to pay this debt off without “bailing” myself out. Now that that is the case, I realize what an idiot I’ve been. 

I am so mad at myself. I had so much money. I could have done such better things with it. When I think about that, it makes me want to stop. It also makes me want to cry. 

You’re right, the cycle is viscous. Get a few days under your belt, think you can go gamble – win some, you want to go back and do it again, lose some, you want to go back to get your losses. So ridiculous. 

Thank you for your kind words in being positive and gentle with myself and also saying you believe in me. I believe in you too. 41 days, probably more now, is so awesome!!! Good for you. I stopped writing on here because I just kind of went binge gambling this past month. I really dug myself into a deep hole. I felt too ashamed to even come here and tell anyone or ask for help. You asking me how I was doing really meant a lot to me. I don’t have a lot of people in my life and most people in my life rely on me so I can’t say anything to them about this, I can’t burden them like that. They look up to me and they need me to be the strong one. Having you reach out to me made me feel like someone actually cared about looking out for me rather than always the other way around. So really and truly, thank you.