I find that as I get closer to a milestone with gamble free time that I get nervous and scared that I am going to blow it. I get anxious as I get closer to a date and afraid that like so many other times I will end up gambling again. I try not to focus on gamble free time, but more about not placing the first dollar in those machines. I know that once the day is here it is just another day to work at one day at a time. I also know that just like that I can be back to Day 1, as I have been there many times. I know that I do have fear that I will gamble and have to fight to get back in recovery. The thought of that terrifies me as I know how hard it is to get back on the right track when the addiction takes hold again. Not that it is gone as it is always there, and out of nowhere it tests me as those thoughts come up about going just once, just for an hour… or maybe I would be okay now. I know that those machines are not my friend as I once thought they were. They are my enemy and I must stay away from them. I know they want me back, but I know it is a friendship that I cant go back to. I have to remember what they did to me and the pain they caused me. Oh how I hated myself when I had lost all my money. The chasing of “my money” that they stole from me, but alas they did not steal it from me. It was me that kept feeding the machine throwing away money that I needed for other things. The running from the machine to the ATM and feeding it again and again, because it was due to pay out. I rubbed the glass of the machine, I prayed, I just wanted my money back and the relief I felt when I had a win and got my money back, and of course I lost it all again. I will continue on my recovery journey taking it one day at a time. I want to thank all the wonderful people on GT who have helped me in this journey. I know that I can’t do this alone and that is why I will continue to post and support others when I can.
