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So pleased with myself that I got through payday yesterday without gambling. I paid all my bills the morning before leaving for work; well almost all, I forgot to pay the council tax; can’t afford to have it on debit or even standing order anymore, so have to remember but that would have left me with almost nothing. My rent came out the same time my salary came in. I set it up that way on a standing order so I was initially shocked that I had less salary than I expected.

My biggest payment was paying off my company card in full, almost £2,500. Just as well as I received a mail from work later informing how serious this was. I couldn’t be bothered to pay what was only due now and put myself at risk . At least next month I know that I don’t have to pay out any such large amount and it can go towards bringing down my OD.

I went to Costco after work to stock up on food and household goods for that ‘rainy day’. I seen a pressure washer on special for £250 which I checked was almost £400 at Homebase and toyed about buying it. I ended up buying it as my gambling acquaintance offered to loan me hers as she does’t have any space in her new rented home and I could store it for her but I don’t want to go down that route. Besides my late, wonderful dad always taught me… ‘neither a lender or a borrower be’ ! Well, not that I haven’t done that with the banks now !

But I’ve got a gut feeling about her and want to distance myself. I’m not feeling safe confiding in her after the questions or statements she’s making. At one time after GA I felt that she would call my company and let them know I was using my company card for purchases (food) which would get me fired.

She has been telling me she has no one to help her and constantly asks how much I pay for my rent and how much I earn. I know I’m a sucker and so gullible, it’s written on my forehead and will help anyone out if even if I don’t have to give but I get the feeling she is expecting me to be there for her and help her out after she gambled all her salary which I have thought of doing but I know it will just be funding her gambling. I guess I know now how my ex felt about me ! But even if I pay her credit card, she will use that credit to gamble again. I know she is not happy for me that I’m fighting to recover.

She has relapsed again and I’ve bought some odds and sods from her to help her out when I had no money, too and took her a bag of toilet rolls, kitchen towels and some food which was all I could offer with no money and she was very thankful as she had nothing. She always plays the ‘victim’ and I’ve offered to help her in the past. But since I let her know I self-excluded for life, I haven’t heard from her.

Well, I getting back…… I ended up spending over £600 at Costco and only have £200 credit left on my OD. I was so shocked and wondered about taking the pressure washer back but I’ll ride the tide. I’ve had less (i.e nothing) during the month for the past 3 months and somehow managed to survive and get through. At least I have food and household items for 6 months now !

I was quite proud of myself, portioning the bulk packs of meat and fish etc into single portions in freezer bags and labelled them to store in the freezer. It took ages but a worthwhile job rather than defrosting the whole pack and not being able to use it all.

For the first time in 3 months I’ve kept my salary. At least I have something to show for it now, paying my bills and getting groceries even a new pressure washer for my garden. 🙂

But after the thrill at self excluding and having my salary and ending up with £200 in credit OD and it IS FRIDAY night, the voices have come back… I’m shutting them out and been keeping busy. Good to get little chores, no matter how small done. It makes me feel good to get my house clean and sorted again. But boy, I am so bored, restless, wasting away cos I have nothing really exciting to do that gives me the buzz…… ? I would like try going back to gym and cycling but that motivation is not yet there. I need to lose weight to be happy about myself, too.

I’ve read Happy’s thread and took encouragement from that and how we can even have some laughs at ourselves. I can relate to how my ex- boyfriend liked the fact that he had this power of me when it came to money. He was controlling without that already and a perfectionist, so boy, did I fall far short.

One good thing I can say of him is that he pushed me to get my Master’s degree which he had, so I could study with him while he studied for his doctorate. He sent me a mail recently to say he’s got his doctorate and wants me to attend his graduation. Right ! Not after he spoilt mine last year and I ended up moving out during my graduation time. That’s the ugly side of me coming out…..Retaliation ? We did make a pact about 4 years ago that we would both try to get our doctorates by the time we’re 60. I still have that ambition but lost the motivation as it requires paying for uni fees for 6 years which I don’t have and taking 6 years to do it part-time as I have to work and can’t afford not to and study full-time which will still takes 3 years.

I’ve also written down Pat’s suggestion of watching ‘Stop It, Skit’, a Bob Newhart film. I need to watch or do something that would make laugh or motivate me out of this lull I’m in. I dare not think of that buzz or allow that thought to linger as it will captivate my thought process and lead me by the hand willingly, back to where I’m trying so hard to steer away from.

So for today, I will NOT gamble and be one more day, gamble free !