When I look at the nuts and bolts of gambling I am trying to think of it as something much less sinister. We are all confronted by an activity that we must avoid. If this was not going to a particular store, not eating a particular food, or not speaking to a particular person I believe that we could do it. We could rationalize with ourselves that the activity in question is not good for us, is too costly or leads to otherwise bad results. Why is it that our brains can rationalize that kind of avoidance but not gambling? What does it provide for us other than an escape to an even worse reality than the one that we exist in currently? We never walk away with money, contentment or pride. We hate ourselves afterwards. It depresses us and gives us yet one more thing that we must hide and lie about. It doesnt make us feel any better about who we are or what has happened to us. It only lets us escape from our grim reality for just a while, then it drops us right back in, only the situation is worse and so are we. I am strong today. I am like an addict. My nephew is a heroin addict and when I first found out I thought ” well gee, all he has to do is kick the habit. He has to pick him self up, dust himself off and start treating himself with more respect.” Same goes here. All I have to do is nothing. Not play. Not give in to a mental craving, which is easier than a physical one. I have to be thinking, all of the time during the times when I am most prone, that I cant do this to myself anymore. I have to remember the sorrow and pain of you, all of you, and think that if I can overcome, we all can. I have spent the last week being more of me than i have in a long while. It’s been refreshing. I liked the old me and i think i really do want to start liking me again. I’m tired of feeling so different from everyone around me. I’m joining the human race again today. I’ve been on the outside way too long. It may take a while to begin to find a source of a dopamine high, but the feelings I have in its place are so much better than the loss that I feel the other 95% of the time after I gamble. It’s a trade off I’m willing to make. I’m going to mark today as my day 7 with confidence as I know I will not gamble today. Hope you all are strong today as well.
