No more crying kin because I have had a bit of a breakthrough. I relapsed again yesterday and for the love of all that is good I could not figure out why. I called in sick to work so that I could play and that is something that I haven’t done for a long time and by mid day I was out of money and so disgusted with myself I reached out to my sister (who has a strong background in psychology, shes actually a psychologist) and I spoke to her about my day. It seems that the “suit” that I put on every day, the busy, organized outgoing person “suit” that is put on when I leave the house is just to cover the me that is hurting. I am depressed, or so it sounds, and I do not know how to deal with the feelings when they happen so I gamble to forget them. I have an issue with negative thought patterns that are “instant”. Its like when you see a picture of something that reminds you of something bad that happened to you before. My thoughts are instant, as they pop in to my head from seemingly nowhere, cause an instant reaction, and then I react instantly in a way that either deals with or, in this case, doesnt deal with the feeling I’m having. I’ve always had an issue with being focused in my thoughts. I get weird, unrelated flashes of thoughts that I cant pin down sometimes, and it has been causing me a bit of trouble. I realized while talking to my sister that I have been depressed for a long time now, mostly because of my job changes that happened about 12 years ago, and I havent dealt with the feelings that have occured in the deepest part of my identity since. Without going into a long story, my whole identity was wrapped around two things- my work and my daughter. I was an employee and a mother and basically nothing more. It has defeated two relationships in the past because I had little left for anyone else. At some point 12 years ago there was a shift in my company and I was mistreated. I fought back to save my job and in the process ruined my reputation. I have never been able to get it back and even changed departments to get away from it. I lost without being that person. That leader. It was who i was for over 30 years. It happened on the cusp of turning 50 and losing the last long term relationship I was in. That’s exactly when the gambling started. I know now that I am in a state of depression that has been going on now for quite a while and I’ve never addressed it because I never wanted to admit that I was vulnerable. I am starting a new road today. I need to think about how I feel and learn to deal with the feelings that arise instead of burying them and refusing to allow bad emotions to surface. I dont always have to be in a good mood to everyone else. I can need like everyone else and take time to heal like everyone else. I am no different from others and that’s not easy for me to admit. I started today by going outside to work in my yard, painting some ornaments given to me by my mom. I usually associate negative emotions with outside the house because of my neighbors. I avoid the neighbors and now have learned that it’s not because I don’t like them, its beause I feel judged at the one place I should feel peace. I need to deal with the feelings that occur because I feel vulnerable at being judged and that has to do with my own feelings and insecurities and not the neighbors. Its things like this that mess you up and make you act in ways that dont make sense. I need to deal with the thoughts that drive my behavior and I’m making steps on that direction today. I am rambling on but it feels cathartic to write this so kudos to jvr. I am going to start to deal with all the mess that is in my noggin and try to make myself a happier me. I’ve learned that it’s not enough to just keep myself busy and to deflect all of the thoughts because they will find me sooner or later. I need to scrape out all of the crap that is clogging my head. Using a metaphor, it’s like a pipe. I’ve got so much built up inside that occasionally the contents begin to spill out. I have been putting a pin hole in the center hoping that it will help things to flow through, and it does for a while, but eventually the contents back up and a spill happens. I need to snake the drain, get it all out and then stop it from clogging again. I’m feeling hopeful today that with knowledge will come power. With power will come healing and with healing will come peace. I wish power to everyone who reads this.
