it’s been 24 hours since the last time I touched slot machines. In the last couple of years, the most I have stayed away from gambling was probably 2 weeks’ time, but it wasn’t because I had the will to stop myself rather the main reason was that I didn’t have enough funds or budget to feed this addiction. My real test will be when I get paid from my primary job on 13th. I am expecting another payment around 5th or 6th next month. that will be a smaller payment and I usually blow smaller payments away within a day or two. I feel so irritated even thinking about it because it takes a lot of effort and hard work to make this money and I blow it away in few hours. I work remotely for two companies (employee based and as an independent contract both). whenever I lose money to machines, I always find comfort in binge eating and just shutting down for a day. I feel like the problem with me is more than just a gambling problem. Is gambling addiction a mental illness? I honestly feel that it is because the day I get paid and If I have some money sitting in my account, I cannot focus on my work and I can usually spend long hours sitting in front of the computer when my account is on low funds because I know If I don’t work, I won’t get paid and I won’t have my fixed bills paid on time. I don’t know where to find that motivation to work with money being saved in my account every month. I have forgotten how this feels like. It seems like my brain is wired in a way that it only wants to work when I am in need of money and not want to work when I’ve got money. More than 50% of my income comes from an independent contractual job which means that I can set my own schedule and work as little or as much as I can and how ever I want. I got to stop relating money savings with work. Yes, I want to work as much as I can to save but I don’t want to overdo it and feel exhausted and find slot machines as an escape route again. It doesn’t make any sense now that I think about it. What am I putting in this effort for? I don’t want money to be the driving factor in order for me to put in work hours. I want to work because I love this work and I want to work to have a better future. Let the day 2 begin. I am ready for this challenge. It’s going to be hard next few weeks. IF I can break this 2-week cycle, this will be a big win for me as I haven’t had a break longer than 2 weeks in 2-3 years. I have also been reading some of journals here. I am sorry that I am not that active on other posts, but I will try to respond and encourage others when I can. I appreciate everyone being here and reading this. I wish everyone the best in their journey.
