Hey Jay, good to hear that you are making plans to limit your access to funds if that is what will work for you. I had never missed a payment either, that is until all of my savings were gone and I had to start using credit and then, as it usually happens, the money that was earmarked for bills. I had the rudest of awakenings today when my ex husband called me (via my daughters phone which made it even worse) to ask me why he got a notification that “our” chequing account was overdrawn. He told me that he thought it had been hacked or something ” because I was the most responsible person he knew ” and I wouldn’t let that happen. Uh huh. I managed to give him and my daughter a story that was believable and it gave me a kick in the ass that I needed. I have always thought that I can keep this all to myself and no one else will ever find out, but eventually it will happen if I dont watch it from now on. I was having gambling urges lately and that squashed them quick as a bunny. I have to get the person back that used to run the show. Enough of trying to escape. What am I trying to escape that is worth all of the panic and anxiety that this is causing? Kins analogy of the hole in the street proves most useful for me because I can picture it. I am in a funk with my job. I dont like what i am doing and dont really like the people that i work with anymore. I must face the issue and resolve it and that wont be done by gambling. I add a problem to the problem and by now I’m working with a problem to the tenth power because of all of the times I tried to escape. It wont be solved by anything less than earning money and paying things off. It’s no wonder or mystery or something different than anything else you or anyone on the site has to do. I just have to stop gambling, save some money and pay things down/off. I’m sorry if I am ranting but the embarrassment and reality have hit hard here today and I need to calm myself down. I am gamble free now for over 40 days (I think, it could be more) I have stopped counting because I found that thinking of the days that I last gambled got me thinking of the last time I played and then the games and stuff so it actually got me to crave the games again and it is counterintuitive to count them for me. I will continue to be gamble free because it is what I need to do. No more, no less. I hope that you find something in this rant that you can use because it has been good for me.
