One of the earliest things I remeber doing in my early recovery days over 10 years ago from my other addictions was writing out what could be a potential relapse for me. One of those things was my grandma dying since she was all I really had. I did not relapse when she died about 4 years back but I did end up this gambling problem a few years after when I wasn’t dealing with the grief and having to deal with her will and all the bs that comes with family drama around it. As I’ve wrote here many times there was multiple things that led to me gambling for those few month stents that I did. However now as I read others struggles with relapse and talk with people close to me who keep relapsing on substances and alcohol I realize the importance of making another list of potential things that can take me out again if I’m not careful. One thing I thought would was my breakup but luckily it didn’t. I have had some issues in the last few months with another guy whom I’ve just been talking with but I’ve been strung along by this person on a merry go round ride. The hard part is we work together I thought he was quitting and he failed to mention he changed his mind this week. He led me on again for 2 weeks straight after I shut down contact for a few weeks. Then I opened up alot to him after he contacted me out of work, just to have him treat me like crap and I new better. My vulnerability to not liking being alone made me drop my guard down. Nothing happened relationship wise just alot of time wasted texting. I felt like a dumb teenager or something. Anyways I no that any form of relationship or crap pulled in that area of my life is a huge trigger for me. Being hurt or used/led on is hard for me because I feel like I’m not good enough when it happens. Anyways it’s hard to write that out and embarrassing but it’s a reality of one of my major triggers. Luckily I did not let my current disappointment of this man ruin me or my recovery. I am learning to live with the hurt feelings and just move past it. I am still making a list to see what are potential relapse triggers or things that I feel I might not be able to get through clean. So far I’ve been through the worst of it all including looking at my past traumas so maybe my reservations won’t be a long list but just things to be cautious of. I am really grateful for having a clear mindset so I can be able to look at this stuff without being closed off. Im grateful for the beautiful day I’m having and getting things done to make my place happier for me to be in.
