Hello all,
Down but not out! That’s my moto for today. Obviously, I haven’t been here in a few days and it is because I went back to gambling. I decided to place a “$100” into my account and it turned into losing thousands. I cannot continue this erratically behavior. Thankfully, my wife caught wind of my gambling and called me out on it because my bank account kept going negative by hundreds of dollars. This has been happening for months now and I never have the money to pay the bills. I say thankfully because the truth came out. She thought I was not gambling and hadn’t gambled for 4 months. Whereas the truth is; I haven’t went more than 13 days without feeding the addiction. I will admit, throughout the repeated relapses, my wife has always stuck by myside and supported me. It really breaks my heart to know the undeserving hurt I have placed on her due to my addiction. Thats really not fair; nor is it was she signed up for when we made our vows to each other.
While I cannot change the past, I can make better choices for my future. As I’ve said a lot, gambling changes me entirely. It changes my outlook, it changes my motivation and it changes my financial situation (just to name a few)…and all those changes are not for the better. When I spoke with my wife I told her of the biggest struggle I have. I will stay gambling free to 3 day, maybe 4 days; then all of a sudden I will get this voice in my head telling me how I can control my wagers and how if I just bet the games I feel comfortable on; I can win and control my addiction. That voice is a complete lie. One moment of weakness can ruin everything. It’s not easy and I guess after 12 years of gambling its not going to be easy to change in just a few days. It will take work and dedication to staying free of the addiction. One thing I have done for myself to help me handle those moments of weakness is I have downloaded gamstop on my phone. It’s an app that blocks gambling websites. It will renew in 30 days; but for the next 30 days I cannot even log into my sportsbook account from my phone. I realistically have no way to gamble for the next 30 days. Does that mean I cant find a way? I’m not sure. I’m not focused on that right now. Instead I’m focused on picking up the pieces of my life that I have shattered.
I thank you for listening and I really pray this is my last “down but not out” moment due to my gambling addiction.
Get busy living!