6 months comes fast kin the fact you have a goal is awesome. It gives us something to work toward and keep us a accountable to something.
I’ve had a rough week but I’m pushing myself through it. I decided to go and visit my sister whom I haven’t seen in 5 years. She’s a severe alcoholic but I didn’t realize she was no longer even functioning. When I showed up she wouldn’t get out of bed, her teeth were rotting like completely black, she was extremely overweight, slept one full day I was there. She eventually got up the second day I was there but she was drunk the whole time. Brought up my entire trauma past plus things I didn’t remeber. My partner came with me but he was having a hard time himself and ended up becoming triggered and aggressive towards me at the same time. When I got home I was so emotionally exhausted. I just wish I stuck to my guns to just stay away from her. I was scared she was going to die and I’d never see her again so I wanted to at least see her again in case. This was triggered by my last immediate blood family member dying a month ago. I’ve been feeling lonely and missing the family I do have. I have a step-dad and, a step brother,and sister I grew up with since I was 1 years old. They’re all active addicts. So I guess I was trying to find some family connection. When I got home I kicked my partner out again for treating me like crap. He was doing well going to 12 step meetings and talking to a friend who was training to be a counselor but he stopped after 3 weeks and his abusive behavior started again. I told him he can’t come back unless he sees a professional for real this time. I give people so many chances in my life because I want to see the good in everyone. I made mistakes had addictions, and behavior problems and have learned to be a better person so I guess I keep hoping others in my life will make that effort to. Maybe that’s an unrealistic expectation I need to stop having so i wont keep getting hurt by others. My recovery journey is definitely a painful one but I refuse to let myself get sucked back into finding relief through gambling or any other form of escape. The hardest part is just letting myself feel everything I do. I guess that’s why I have to write my feelings out in so much depth when I do. I can hold all this stuff inside or I can let it all out instead. I was gonna go to a meeting tonight but I just wanted a night to myself to recoup. Sometimes meetings are over stimulating to me when I’m feeling really triggered and low. I like that I can write stuff on here as a back up for some relief. The positive is I dont want to gamble. And one thing I need to do is say what I’m grateful for today to keep me somewhat positive. I’m grateful that I have amazing friends to spend the weekend with. I’m grateful for my dog as he helps me feel safe. And I’m grateful for my recovery and having the ability to stay strong even when I’m crumbling from the external world around me.