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Day 108
Absolutely true Kin. Thank you so much for your message. I take each day in turn and will always have to now.
One slip takes me back to zero, takes me back to the downward spiral. This affects my mood, my relationships. It wastes my time and my finances.
Right now I am developing positive routines. More quality time with my partner, with family and friends. Exercise and other interests.
I guess for me a real structure to my life is needed. I have been disciplined in my life before but once I slip I fall far. Gambling, drinking too much and smoking.
The structure I need to develop needs to have some flexibility though. I can’t get obsessive about stuff, if something goes wrong I need to be able to dewl with it better and hit a reset button much sooner.
I am reaching depths of my psyche that I haven’t ever done before. Learning to live my life in a better way.
Yes, I really wish I had done some real deep thinking before but it’s ok I am doing it now. Before it really gets too late.
I want to do more positive things and feel good about that, get the “buzz” from being positive, being “clean”, really enjoying simple pleasures.
More things that involve laughter, proper laughter I mean. Did I ever really laugh when I was gambling? I don’t think so. Maybe there were like sarcastic, “I don’t believe it” type laughs. Nearly always it wasn’t actually enjoyable, just a nerve wracking experience. I don”t need that in my life anymore. I don’t need to chase dreams, I need to be happy with what I do have.
Things are changing for me, yes slowly, but I am getting there. I am moving away from where I was before.
No more chasing fantasies, no more being reckless.
One day at a time. Be strong all and keep working towards a better life.