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Hi Melanie

It took courage to write your first post, well done. I would imagine it was difficult but I hope it helped to get the words out and to realise now that someone is listening and understanding.

I think you have done well putting a distance between you and his addiction. A gambling addiction tries to overwhelm and confuse as a means of getting enablement. You now have time to take back control of your own life and know what it is that ‘you’ want.

You ask “How did everything become my fault?” A gambler has to face his poor behaviour and take responsibility for his actions when he determines to control his addiction – I suspect your ex-fiancé is not ready for that yet, blaming you and the world is much easier.

I cannot offer any thoughts on whether or not he has turned to someone else but as long as you have so many doubts, in my opinion, you are safer apart.

The fact that you had an amazing relationship pre-gambling is good although it is always hard to tell when a gambling problem has turned into an addiction. A compulsive gambler can be and often is, an amazing person but unfortunately the addiction to gamble is destructive and selfish.

You say you love this man and want to support him which is great for him, he is very lucky to have you on his side even if he can’t appreciate it – yet.

Your feelings are not abnormal but if you are going to offer your ex-fiancé on-going support then it is important that you keep your feet on the ground. Keep in touch with your friends and family, don’t give up on your interests and hobbies and keep posting. I see that you have dogs which are the most wonderful distraction, what breeds have you got? A journal is a great way to mark progress and you have made a good start with your first post.

You are right that abstinence is not recovery and it might be that he would benefit from further support; maybe you could encourage him to join this site. We have an excellent group for gamblers facilitated by Charles where your ex-fiancé will be welcomed and understood. If you decide to do this and you don’t want your username to be recognised by him then it can be changed – just call our Helpline. Our Helpline is there for you and your ex.

It would be great if you could join me in a Friends and Family group, either on Tuesday or Thursdays evenings 19.00-20.00 UK Time where we can communicate in real time. These groups are private and safe, nothing said in a group appears on the forum.

Keep posting


  • This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by velvet.