I’ve booked a vacation for 2 weeks in October so I’m looking forward to that. I’m going by myself to visit my friend in Hawaii. I’ve had some pretty stressful things occur in my life and I’ve been working way to much. I decided that I have the funds to treat myself so I just said I need a break from work. I have to remeber self care is an important part of my recovery so having a break from my general life and remembering to actually live life is important. I had a few instances in the last few days where I’ve lost my temper really bad. Both instances were from men who started trying to control me in a negative way. I’ve always been a very vocal women who doesn’t let people talk down to me but lately I’ve been getting more angry when they don’t stop. I have zero tolerance where I usually can just go into my analytical brain and figure out why someone’s acting that way towards me. However I’ve just reached a threshold of not taking it and instead I react to the abusive behaviors. I’ve noticed though that in both cases the people eventually apologized right away because I didn’t take they’re crap. I don’t like getting to the point where I snap though and it scares me when it happens. But what I do no is that anger like that is steming from inner triggers. Recently within the last few months I removed my dad from my life completely. He was abusive my whole life especially verbally. He is a very critical, negative person who makes you question your sense of reality alot( typical narcissistic traits). My partner has very similar qualities but has been trying to get help with it. But occasionally slips into a dry drunk state and can act aggressively. I also work in the trades so I’m around alot of unhealthy aggressive/controlling people as well. I guess im still struggling with my childhood trauma related to being controlled and treated like shit and it does effect my recovery because when my emotions get out of wack where I become angry like I have been it has potential to take me to a dark place. I recently was trying to teach my partner that anger and depression are actually repressed emotions. So what I’ve realized in the last few days by my reactions is I still try to fight myself to fully let myself feel things. I think with the amount of grief and loss and stuff I’ve endured this year I’ve just started coasting like on autopilot. And I’m a workaholic so I don’t have time to think about how I feel most of the time. I’m always trying to stay busy constantly. Emotional sobriety next to the whole abstinence aspect is definitely the most important thing to maintain. There’s a reason why recovery is alot of work because our brains can override and mess up so quick if we aren’t self aware. I’m glad I can see where I need improvement. And I’m hoping me giving myself some time off next month will help me just rest and take time to heal the things I need to in order to regain some healthy emotional sobriety.
