I haven’t wrote here for a few weeks I’m doing good. Just keeping up with my stepgroup everywhere for my main recovery maintenence. I’ve been working alot of overtime so I haven’t had alot of free time but I’m doing well other than being exhausted from that. My bestfriend just entered a rehab facility and asked me to write a letter on how her addiction has impacted my life. It made me stop and think about how someone would write a letter to me to describe what I have done to them. Weird thing is I’m struggling to write the letter for her I don’t no why. She’s promised me for 15 years to get sober and she’s never lasted longer than 6 months shes been to 3 detoxes in the the last 8 months alone. I myself relapsed on substances once when I first tried to quit that stuff and I also relapsed 2 times when I first tried to quit gambling. So I have alot of empathy for how hard it is to try and quit addiction. I’m hoping that writing out in this journal will give me the ability to just get pen to paper on what my bestfriend needs to hear. Ive always been someone to help others and will go above and beyond to do so. But I’ve also created really tight boundaries with people especially this last year. I’ve cut out every toxic person from my life which ment my entire family and a huge chunk of my friendships. I have alot of amazing people I’ve met in my life in the last 12 years in recovery though and they’ve become my family and friends instead. My partner has done a complete 360 and is the best I’ve ever seen him because I’ve changed my behaviors. He had a relapse a few months ago now but because ive shown him how I want to be treated and respected he got the help he needed in therapy and through recovery meetings. I put healthy boundaries in place at the time and asked him to leave till he could see how his toxic behaviors harm others. I didnt let him back till he surrendered to his addiction and mental health problems. Before i would of just put up with the control and abuse out of fear of not wanting to be alone. Once he realized I no longer was that tiny and vulnerable he realized that hed lose me forever. I feel as my sponsor says that people will see the healthy change in us and hopefully that will radiate onto to them. There’s a saying that goes “you are what you hang with.” I realized especially through this last set of steps I’ve been doing. That my biggest triggers and what has caused most of my addiction issues or relapses in the past was alot to do with the people in my life. Meaning how people were treating me. I no my addiction was my problem but I used gambling, substances, and other behavior stuff to cope with my issues of pain caused by abuse that was going on to me. I now no that the only way for me to truly stay healthy and addiction free is to not allow myself to be around negative toxicity. I get nobody’s perfect nor do I expect myself or anyone else to be that way but there’s a line of what you attract and allow to enter into your own energy. I no im way to caring and have deep abandonment wounds so I will hold on for dear life to try and rescue people. But I learned the importance of what real boundaries are and how to apply that to my life. I still believe in practicing forgiveness as long as the person shows accountability because people have done that for me when I changed and made the effort. One of the biggest things I have to watch for with myself is complacency when I stop practicing what is considered my medicine that’s when my addict brain starts slipping. When I feel rage I have to smudge, practice my spirtuality, tap into recovery harder like meetings, putting that pen to paper for stepwork, talking to people and connecting. I need to let that stuff burning up inside of me out
