I am so mad at myself.
I had been clean for the past 6 months. I met a woman who’s caring and loving, I moved into a new flat, I changed jobs and everything was perfect. Until i decided to find some gambling site the other day, out of boredom, i started playing again. Found my bad habits once again, started spending money I could afford, until I reached a point where I spent money I couldn’t afford anymore, which I spent trying to get my money back. The worst thing is, that it worked. I got up to 22’000 $ on a slot. But guess what, I wanted more. I wanted to erase the 100k I spent in this since I am 18. I wanted to reach that level. And guess what ! I lost it all. 22’000 $. Over a year worth of rent. Holidays in f*cking Maldives for 3 weeks. 22’000 $. 4 months worth of salary. I was disgusted. So what happened when I lost all that ? You got it, made some more deposits, which didn’t pay off.
I hate myself for knoqing how bad it is to carry on, but I can help it. I need proefessionnal help, this shit has been eating me up for the past 6 years, and I can’t carry on like that if I wanna have a good life. Something needs to change. Now. I’m gonna seek professionnal help and get back on track. I can’t keep doing the same mistakes over and over again. I need to understand what’s going on, how I can cure that, and how I could potentially get better over a short period of time.