The holidays can be a huge trigger for people and it definitely is a big test for me in my recovery. The more work I’ve done on myself, the more observent I am of behaviors in others that I don’t want to be like. I spent most of my holidays with my partners family and seeing how controlling, rude, and egotistical they all were to each other made me extremely sad. I grew up with that same dynamic and it makes me sick to my stomach. I hate that humans can be so self centered. I no I had times in active addiction where my self centeredness came into play so I guess that’s why seeing the mirror of who I used to be is so upsetting to me. I can’t fallom ever wanting to go back to being that person. No amount of despair within myself makes me want to treat another human like I’m better than, or always right, or that someone else isn’t good enough. There’s this sickness in humanity that just eats at me and it’s partially why I’m so careful who I let in my life. I don’t no if it’s the world we live in now that we all are striving for some kind of sense of meaning or self actualization to an intensity that means running others over but something just feels off to me. I don’t no anyone who’s not down and out and feels depressed,anxious,or not good enough. My brain is constantly scanning the world around me which is why I tried to shut it off alot with addictions because I feel things alot, especially other people’s emotions. This I guess you can say is what happens when your not blocking yourself out with addictions or distractions. Your forced to feel every emotion, see everything around you. When we’re using distractions like being on our phones, over eating, or substances, gambling, relationships, anything really we are like a radio shut off. However when your radio attentenas sky high in the air you pick up every frequency around you it’s intense and overwhelming. But what I’m realizing is that its actually a good thing because there’s not alot of woke people anymore. There’s just alot of self centered me,me,me people walking around. If we all get lost who’s going to help others be found again is how I’m seeing it. At christmas I messaged so many people to check on them. Not one person reached out to me first. That’s how I no that the importance of me not going backwards in my recovery is crucial. There’s not enough people who live outside themselves anymore.
