So far this year hasn’t been exactly kind to me. I try to however see the positives or learning experience I’m supposed to take from every thing I go through though. As I’ve written about before that I am with another recovering addict. Which if anyone else has experienced can be really complicated at times. My partner did something really messed up around money that I had to kick him out for. It brought up alot of moments of when I was gambling and hiding the behaviors from my ex husband. What he did was forge a receipt that I submit to my benefits so that he could get back extra money. I didn’t notice it till I looked at it closely and it resembled the last receipt he submitted which was written in ink from the Healthcare provider. He lied and denied what he did and yelled at me till I got him calm enough to admit he did in fact forge the receipt. He’s not a gambler but he has issues around being the cheapest person alive. It’s a form of ocd and fear of spending money actually so the opposite of what us gamblers do. He will put people in harms way to not spend money and this is him getting to a severity of it that is addict behavior. I’m writing about my partner because it’s a prime example of what people can do when there not working a program of recovery. We may me abstinent from physical addictions but the behaviors of an addict can manifest in other ways like what he has done. That’s one thing alot of people in recovery don’t understand. You can take away the addiction but the mental crisis in your head is still there. That’s why recovery rates fail so fast because people will not work on that insanity in there head. The majority is from trauma, childhood conditioning, unlearned ways to deal with emotional regulating ect. To be decent humans it takes alot of work and growth to correct the stuff that makes us act in these insane ways. I’ve had 12 years of practice of messing up over and over again. How I was able to get my partner to admit what he did was I explained how I had to sit my ex down and tell him I had a gambling problem. Once I did that I got help and things started getting better in myself maybe not my external world so much but at least I’ve mentally got better. Honesty is the hardest thing to do when your filled with shame,guilt anger all those fun emotions we addicts can carry. I believe in forgiveness because ive had to give it to myself however I also have boundaries today. I won’t tolerate people that don’t try to help themselves I remove anyone that comes in contact with me that lives in a lower frequency. Because the saying you are what you hang with is vitally important for me to remeber. My partner has made alot of effort in his recovery this year but he’s obviously slipping which could cause me to do so if I allow him to continue his abusive behaviors to me. So for the time being I’ve removed him from my life I did it in a way that was loving and commpassionate and not just saying f you your a horrible human ect. I did it with self respect knowing that he has the ability to make the right choice like I’ve had to learn for myself on my own recovery journey. As I no about myself things don’t change if I don’t change. And that applies to anyone in my life that I surround myself with. I’ve been around negativity, and trauma bonded relationships my whole life that I’m learning to break that cycle for myself.
