When I think back on the many times I’ve run through this program of total gambling escalation. The moment of upcoming impulse to play slot – I immediately plan to find a opportunity to be alone for the next couple hours or days in most cases.
I look for a new casino where I’m not blocked already, at the end it was often hard to find one, cause I self-excluded me every time when I lost all my money at one casino. But when there is a will there is a way. Registration and documents are already on my phone to send, and the pattern can begin.
I start with the same five slots and try one after another, about 30€, in circles. Sometimes I win directly by the first slot, adrenaline rush through my system and all my attention is focused on the slot- play in speedmode always.
More win means more play time- not more money. Money is just play-money not real money anymore. It’s just a way to possibly get more adrenaline and dopamine in to my system.
That’s the same like a drug flowing through your veins, it’s crazy. All other things and people aren’t important anymore- just the gambling drug is all I need in this state of mind.
This goes on for days and sometimes weeks if „luck“ is bigger. At the end of the circle I’m getting more and more depressed cause I know I’m going to loose all I have, but I’m not able to stop myself.
Often when the last transaction was made, my energy level was already down in the basement, aggression and stress was high. I’m so tired and sad that I did it again.
Oh dear god, I am so happy that this didn’t happen to me today and this is just a text, that shows me how much I have won today 🥹