So I am here again. Three months after my last post. It wasn’t the last day I’ve gambled. I don’t think even today will be the last as well unfortunately. Things got worse in terms of addiction.
Those $3k turned into a $9k loss. Until one month ago I’ve hitted a $10k jackpot. I thought finally I was free and could tell I even ended up with a $1k profit. I was quite wrong. My girlfriend saw a print screen named “crazy-time.jpg” on my desktop, which was the print screen of the value I got on the jackpot and asked to play online with me a little and I did. Nothing too wrong, we lost $200 in the name of the fun. Then the next day I’ve gambled more $1k and turned into $3k., Now I was on a $3k profit after being $3k down. That was it, I soon forgot all my previous struggle and thought I was invincible.
One week later I played more and more and got into a net loss of -$6k. I was feeling the stupidest man alive. Then last week I’ve hitted a $45k jackpot. The emotion was insane. Now I was on a $39k profit. And I’ve came to know I wasn’t even half before as I am today. Gaining months of my salary all at once was the very peak of my addiction and I chased that emotion relentlessly for the last few days.
On the same day I’ve hitted the jackpot, due to withdrawal limit policies of online casinos that only allow a $5k withdraw per day (a big fat BS) I’ve lost $15k of that $45k. My girlfriend told me “it’s okay, you are still about $24k up” but of course a junkie don’t think that way. He thinks “I must go after those $15k, after all, if it happened twice, it can happen a third time”.
Until then, I’ve lost more $10k and am trying to be happy for being $14k up, but of course, I can’t. Now, I am playing 10 hours a day and it is all I care about, hitting another big jackpot.
Thankfully I’ve set deposit limits to not go crazy, but still, the temptation is hard.
I have no life, I don’t go well at my job, I forgot key aspects of my life and only care about feeling that again. I know it can destroy me big time, however, my mental health struggles and dopamine addiction asks for it, just like it asks for a cigarette. I can only gamble and smoke since then and I WANNA STOP! I WANNA LIVE!
If you’re reading this, please, don’t EVER think to yourself your debt is the problem and when you got it back you will stop. It’s not like that. If you ever got it back, you will think you can profit. If you profit small, you will think you can profit big and so on. You are addicted to gambling just like me. Let’s stop this together as soon as possible. Let’s live the full live. Let’s get strong.
Won’t be easy to fight it but we can do it.
For me now it is quite hard, but I want to take the necessary steps to make this my turning point.
My last session was 1 hour ago, unfortunately.