Hello, first day on here. Last day gambling .. I hope. I feel like I did so good for a while and stayed away from the damn online gambling addiction of mine. But today iv broke.. iv been so stressed about bills and things bouncing I some how had this great idea that maybe I could turn $20(which turned into $100) into a bigger amount that might just help pay some things off. It’s such a sick cycle.. a bad one at that. Well after I spent that $100 and watched it fade to $0 my insides turned from the inside out.. I quite literally felt and still feel ill. The guilt with not wanting to tell my amazing partner that I slipped up and spent money we did not have.. we share an account so for right now all I can think about is hoping he won’t see the transaction. This guilt feels like the weight of two worlds on my shoulders.. I can add I probably feel 10x worse due to hormones since I am newly pregnant. I am so angry with my self, but yet they say give yourself some grace as this addiction has its teeth in you and your still learning how you can slay it. It’s like wanting to punch yourself in the face and yell at the world around you including your family and friends.. like as if they are the reason you have this problem when you know that isn’t the case but your filled with 10 different emotions at once so that just seems like the thing to do. If I didn’t have a child I think I would quite literally sit in a corner and sulk while I told myself how stupid I am and I’m useless because I can’t beat this.. I know better but I can’t seem to do better. The days I relapse feel like they go by so slow once I have lost what I put in.. it’s like 30days mashed into 8 hours. Ugh what a devastating, disgusting and ridiculous thing I put myself through. Waste of time and money when it could have been time spent with my family and money spent on bills that are due.
I can’t wait for the day I look back on this and can say I made it out.. the day I no longer think about “only putting $20 in”.
Thank you for listening to my vent. My raw emotions of how I am feeling after a relapse that I feel I cannot share with anyone in my life.