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I was just following direction. My mentor has encourages me to seek the truth and show me the way.
I was advise to return to work in an industry that I was avoiding. I avoided this job because I was worried and concern that the work and the people on this job will trigger me back to gambling and alcohol use.
3 months has passed since I actually started work on this new job. My mentor was right again. When I let go of self completely and let God fight the battle for me. I experiences a power greater than my myself at work. It was beyond my expectation to become one of the top salesperson almost immediately. All the victory and glory goes to God.
When I return to a familiar old job, my old habit returns, the craving for alcohol on a Friday and gambling over the weekend was there in the first 2 week and in the first month of selling but when I continue to do the same old familiar job in a different ways, slowly a new lifestyle and habit is forming, one without a need for relief from alcohol and gambling.
There was a turning point and breakthrough, I was doing well at work in the first two week of selling, but I was shocked as my satisfaction and happiness was short lived, and turn into fear, anxiety and worry, I was so worried and anxious that I could not repeat the same good results in the following weeks. It was at this point that I notice I was on the driver seat. I had taken over the steering wheel and controlling everything.
I remember and decided to handover my will and life over to the care of God again and life at work begin to change.
My attitude change, I was willing to accept any result good or bad that God give me, I do not try to change things. When the harvest was bad, I do not press the panic button, I remain hopeful. I stayed calm, positive, focus and hardworking, I trust God. The familiar anxiety, fear and worry from the job disappear.
I have not seen my mentor to share and update him the victory that has taken place in the last 3 months.
My mentor has ask me to seek personal growth by returning to face the work I was avoiding. He wanted me to learn from David vs Goliath.
All praise to God. The management team like the worker they see in the “new” me. They say that they would like to hire more mature people like me but they didn’t know I was a recovering addict.
The reality was all the challenges that I still face in recovery now. I still have many problems; weakness, blind spots, slip and fall.
If I cannot accept any result that God give me in recovery and if I try to take control every time and change thing when the going was tough, difficult, stressful and painful, I will continue to relapse because there always be bad days in recovery.
Right now I just have to accept my struggles and imperfection in recovery.
I must pick myself up every time I fall and moves on with life and recovery.