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Did I ever think that when I was in the midst of playing those machines at the Casino that I would every have 3 years of not playing them. The answer is no, I could not imagine never playing those machines, they were my escape, my excitement, my fun… Do I wish I could be a normal person when it comes to playing those slots, yes I do, but I accept that I am powerless over them. I know that with the blink of an eye the 3 years could be gone, and it would be back to Day 1. I saw too many Day 1s in my recovery and I am not cured and with those machines I will always be a Compulsive Gambler.
I still have a fear of putting a dollar in a machine. I know that I could tell myself that I am cured, I could limit myself, I could control what I did, but I know that I would be lying to myself!!! I know all it would take would be once and nothing would have changed. The fear of not being able to stop once I started is what scares me. I had too many Day 1’s and once I started I could not stay away. The addiction was in full action I craved it. I would go back once more to chase my losses LOL I was in a trance sitting in front of a machine.
Is my life perfect since my last bet on those machines, definitely not. There are the ups and downs of living and accepting that life is not perfect and neither am I. I find working on no trying to control everything or everyone has helped me. Accepting people for who they are.
It has been a challenging time for me with my husband’s health, but he seems to be doing better now. He has liver problems so he has stopped drinking. It’s 15 months since he had a drink. He still has challenges, but I have to take it one day at a time. We retired a month ago, although he was off sick most of the summer and then again just before he retired. Retirement for both of us is an adjustment. It is time to start doing all the things around the house that I kept saying I will do when I retire. I know this is a time when I have to be vigilant in regards to going to the Casino. I don’t know if I would have retired if my hubby had not been having health problems. I do miss my job, but not all the stress that went with it. We can’t travel right now because of hubby’s health, but we may be able to next year.
I am rambling on, but hey this has been good for me and maybe it’s something I need to start doing again…
I continue to follow a number of you through GT as you were such a God send to me and continue to be. I wish I could wave a magic wand and we were all normal gamblers, but alas that is but a dream.
Wishing everyone a Happy Gamble Free Day!!!!