Dear diary,
It is 6 am now, my favorite time of the year, coolest period in the year. I just came out of the toilet with deep thoughts and feeling about what has happen. I see fresh blood in my stool, and I have mixed feelings , there was joy and relief, a little helplessness but contentment in my feeling.
In the last week or two, I notice I was having difficulty passing out motion smoothly, nothing much seem to be coming out.
In the last week, I notice I was unable to do as many repetitions when doing burpees, mountain climbing and squat jump.
Yesterday I was puzzle why I felt tired after jogging for more than 2 km when I normally only felt this after completing close to 3 km.
In the past, life was a mess. Debts, gambling, alcohol and relationship problems was dominating my life, other problems such as health become secondary and when it happen, it just made me felt more helpless and hopeless, life is more diifficult and I struggle to put order and calm in my life.
Today, there was more peace and stability and joy in my life. I don’t have to beat and doubt myself anymore unlike in the past.
With more experience and higher awareness, I have suspected that it was my intestine giving me problem and affecting my strength, and energy but there was no evident until today when I see blood. I was actually relieved and happy that I don’t have to always doubt myself and my character anymore, the self-beating and punishment has stop. I have started to live life and I am healing and growing emotionally and spiritually now.
Life is not perfect, my health was not perfect after more than 20 years of substance abuse but I am honestly happy with the way things are now, finally I can see the light in my life now and there are so many reasons to be grateful and contented, there are less pain and suffering in my life now, by the Grace of God. I wouldn’t want to change it for anything else.
It is that time and beginning of a new year, I have been thinking and undecided of what to post here.
In recovery, people talk about giving up control and handing over control to a Higher Power but how? In the beginning, I just wanted to remind myself to give up my self-centeredness, selfish, and self-seeking ways now.
Handover to a Higher Power? How? It became easier for me now after I tried to get to know Jesus Christ and read HIS words.
I didn’t forget that I started writing my journal here in 2008, I used to love reading the journal belonging to this person called “rootless tree”.
Thank you GT, everyone in GT especially P, Vera, Ken, Harry, Bettie, Kathryn and rootless tree.
Thank you God for everything.