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Dark Energy

depressed as *****…I managed to go to work today, yesterday I couldn’t. anyhow I sat there on my desk and I did literally nothing all day.
I couldn’t do the simplest of the tasks, all my demons are popping up on my mind.

I am feeling very sad very depressed, tired & ashamed not only of what I have done, but it is more from what I become. I have lost money? f**** it, I will work hard and get money, I have debts? no issue eventually I will pay it all… but the realization that I am and I will always be a f***** money-burning machine is s tough.
I am in my mid-thirties and I didn’t get married yet I didn’t build a family yet, I have a job, yes but I could have been in a much better job…etc and everything is about the money you need to get married you need money, you need a better job you should have an emergency fund before taking the risk and change your job …..everything is about money and I am a f***** money burning machine.
all my demons are popping up, for the last two days I couldn’t sleep without sleeping pills. and I have to keep listening to something until I sleep, if I didn’t my thoughts will keep me awake.
I have this feeling that I didn’t have for a long time. the last time I remember that I have cried is 20+ years ago, now I have this feeling that I need to cry but I couldn’t, the tears are right there but they are not dropping out of my aye .probably this is the lowest moment in my life, but someone wrote in this forum.

when I hit the last rock-bottom I didn’t know that this addiction can take me farther to a new rock bottom

thank you sunny, Jordj, and all for your support I hope you are doing well in your recovery