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You don’t have to say sorry to any of us really. I know you might feel like there is no way out right now but there is always the way out.
You did great by come to this forum. It is a step forward to get better. Unfortunately I can not help you with more than my support here.
Most of the people here can not help you in exactly what you are seeking because we all are fighting with the same battle.
I am fighting the same battle as you. We can not solve all of that in a short period of time. It will be a long hard road but you are not alone.
I am still have a long way to go on my recovery too. We can do this!

I was where you are right now. Every where I looked was just darkness. I had the thoughts of walking up to the cliff and jump. Thanks god. I didn’t do it.
Life is precious. Your addiction is not define who you are. You are not worthless. Be kind to yourself.
I know it feels so overwhelmed right now because you can not see the end of the road but I promise you, there is.

Please try to call hotlines