I wake up many times at night, haven’t slept well for years, thoughts of gambling, thoughts of not gambling, unpaid bills, health issues, worry about my wife, kids, work, myself, I get up the early hours of the morning and think about gambling, do I have money, can I get money, what do I want to gamble on, am I going to gamble today, mind is racing 100 mph and trying to wind it down…………..my life is like 100 mph and I don’t stop and think not for a second, as the day wears on I obtain money, I gamble, I lose (I always lose because I can never stop…….thats why I am a compulsive gambler), I get annoyed…….with myself (justified)…….with others (unfairly) turn into someone I truly am not……..someone I hate, I feel ****, I get moody, mood swings, depressed but most of all bemused, why do I keep doing what I am doing, I drink……alot……..to much…….need to cut down, I drink to forget……….to help me sleep…….it works for a while but it’s not right…….it isn’t the answer, then I wake up many times in the night, feel **** and thoughts of gambling, how can I pay my bills, I have just lost even more money……….I lose it faster than the queen can print it, its not right………….., I know the answer, need to shake myself up and stay gamble free one day at a time, its the only way, I get feed up with sharing saying I have slipped up again, I am sure people think come on son get a grip of the situation…..slipped again, waste of space, in truth I don’t care what people think but I want to sort myself out, I need to sort myself out, I am a liar, thief (sort off), manipulator, hurtful, resentful, uncaring, angry, moody and depressed……..but only when I gamble!
I am a compulsive gambler and will always be one, just for today I did gamble but I walked away after my first bet (a loser) and still had money on me……..I am taking the wife out for a meal tonight and needed to keep that money as she deserves a nice night out she hasn’t had one for a while, I must be getting better because before I would have lost every penny and then some, just disappointed I made a bet, I have to and need to stay away from that first bet, I have just come home and gave my wife the money for the meal tonight so I don’t get tempted to go out and gamble.
I am not making a good job of life at the moment and I need to do a lot better, just for today I believe God is looking down and saying get a grip and sort yourself out you are better than this, I promise I am listening and I promise I will work on being a better man but just for today I messed up again!!!
Thank you for listening to my post, thanks for being here, sharing, caring and supporting, I wish you all the very best in the world in your recovery and also lives, thanks again for just being around.
Maverick