Hardly Madge ! you are doing the best that you can for your family that is not failing in my opinion.
I am reading between the lines and what I am reading has been written by someone who feels that they are responsible for absolutely everybody else and their outcomes and by someone who still is at the bottom of their own list of priorities.
You are not defined as a person by the choices that other people make, yet I sense the Olympic judges have again mysteriously appeared on the side lines with their unhelpful whispering in your ear – you are a very harsh judge of yourself.
Your husband proved he could cope well when he was either allowed or forced so keep it up, he sounds as though he’s a bit like “Madge is back so I can now give everything back to her to deal with again” The question did he give it to you or did you take it or did it just lapse back to ‘the way its always been’ ?
As we know a CG who wants to gamble or needs to gamble is going to do it anyway in any country. One massive thing that takes over enough of our head space making it difficult to concentrate on the positives and the important things and people in our lives. The implications of this snowball and everything becomes negative and a major effort and the feelings of failure increase – because we cannot change something of which we have no control over at all.
So back to you !! I am not a believer anymore of waiting to reach my limits because I never did reach them, they could always be stretched just that little bit more,, because as the feelings of self blame, guilt and failure take a hold then the limits stretch as we try ‘just that little bit harder’ and so it goes on.
Just as a CG has to actively change and work at a recovery then so do we, one little piece at a time. Things will change when we make them do so. We can wait for it to happen and ‘it’ never does happen.
I really believe Madge that when you start making time for you and forcing yourself to put yourself first, that is when other ‘stuff’ will change around you. It could be said that I am now free of the addiction which I feel I am on a day to day basis although I still carry the impact of it !! but that is because I do things like go out when really I can’t be bothered, buy myself something nice that I don’t need (yes I have money now oddly !!) have an early night, spoil the kids occaisionally and I plan it all and I force myself. I believe that if I did not do these things, all of which are in my own control to do, then I would still be in an emotionally crippling relaitionship.
I want to see you build on the start you made Madge, looking at the bits you can change for yourself, I think you may find and I hope you will, that they are well worth the effort. I think that they could bring you clarity of thought.
Time to make your recovery happen