Adam me old mucker, just been catching up on the threads. Since getting out of GMA and being back home in the family home I have been spending time on my own in a very safe environment. I have been going to GA, up to 4 times a week. I have an appointment with the national problem gambling clinic on 22nd June. I have been driving to London once a week to spend a day or 2 with my little boy. I am slowly looking at my debts and figuring out what to do.
Sometimes your posts worry me a little. I have a phrase I keep repeating to myself:
Abstinence is not recovery, but you can’t have recovery without abstinence. I am no expert, god knows. I am only on day 69. But I am working bit by bit on my defects – the lying, the wanting everything now, the sneaking about, the low self esteem. It seems to me sometimes (and I am not criticising you one bit) that deep down you still want to gamble. That you’ll talk yourself into it. You look at the machine, and you have this inner battle. Instead of seeing it and saying “there you are old friend, —- you. Not interested”.
Have you thought about reading some of the GA literature such as the 12 steps. I am about to start them with my sponsor but I have to wait until I have 90 days clean. I don;t want to just not gamble – I want to improve who I am, how I am, how I act, how I treat others, how I see and value the world.
You’ve been here as long as I have, and you’ve not lapsed once which is SO AMAZING. Keep it up, but think about the next step. That’s where I am. But I am not preaching.
By the way, sorry about battering Liverpool on the last day of the season. At least we were nice and let Stevie G get a consolation goal.
Take care, keep posting, and ignore everything I say if you want to. You are doing brilliant and should be so proud. It;s a shame your mum and dad can;t share in your massive achievement.