I have been In Between long enough.
The movers are coming tomorrow to finish packing things in our house, and Monday morning they will load all of our belongings into a moving van headed to the beautiful Hill Country of Texas.
In December I decided to “take a leap of faith” and move down south where my husband has been working (and living) for more than 2 years.
To my knowledge he has not gambled since before his accident in late September, and I am encouraged and more hopeful than ever. However, he has not attended meetings, read any literature, written in a journal, or asked me to schedule any more appointments with our counselor, so I am well aware that he could, and likely will relapse. I’ve seen it said many times “abstinence is not recovery”.
We will be living close to San Antonio and should have many more resources available to us, including Gamblers Anonymous. I plan to find a Gamanon group as soon as possible, but it will be up to my husband to go to GA.
I have and will continue to maintain the barriers: He has no access to money except what cash I give him and what I put on his Bluebird card – which he cannot use at ATMs or online, and I can see every transaction. He has not complained about this arrangement and it is working well for us.
I have been purging my home of things that have been difficult to let go of for so long, and now I am working to release my mind and heart of the pain, anger and guilt I have lived with for too many years.
Trust may always be out of reach for me, at least the kind of trust I once had in my husband: It was so certain and comforting and safe. I’m not sure that kind of trust is necessary in this new relationship we seem to be developing. I don’t know … but I’m not going to worry about it today.
The time I have spent on this forum (almost a year now) has changed me. My spirit is awakening from near death, and I am so much stronger than I was. I am looking forward to a fresh start: New things, new friends, new adventures, injecting meaningful things into my life, and continuing to put the pieces together.
“Take one thing that you used to do and do it.” How many times have you said that Velvet? Next week I am buying a 2003 Harley Davidson 100th Anniversary Screamin’ Eagle Softail Deuce (that’s a motorcycle V – ha ha :), and I definitely plan to have fun blowing a few cobwebs away!
I am no longer waiting around for spontaneous combustion V … in fact, I’m about to light the match!
Thank you all for the support and encouragement you have given me over the last year – I don’t even want to think about where I might have been without you.