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#37005
i-did-it
Participant

Ah Geordie ,
I so wish I hadn’t deleted my post now .
I kinda chickened out of the honesty thing.
I get so panicked when I say what I really am feeling .
I actually went to the online support after I wrote that post , bents Sam’s ear and my battery was so low then I had to delete as I couldn’t edit .

I have discussed with my mum several times – it is strange – she likes us all to be in it together . When we go I spend ten times what they do – so I guess I am more addicted than them. I don’t know . I just know for now I need to give myself breathing space.
I wrote already – I like how you write .
If you have something to say you explain it simply, at length and with no room for ambiguity .
I don’t have to second guess your motives – cos what u are saying is stated so clearly . Sometimes I feel a little stir of something – it’s not anger but I want to argue with you – like when you rightly pointed out about my phone – (which i still have )- but I think it’s because I know you are right . I find your posts very constructive and I find they challenge in a positive way . Maybe it’s because you had to work so hard for recovery you get it . I don’t know – I was expecting you to tell me off for my last post – but like I said you seem to get it .

I am not being completely honest on here – but I am not telling any untruths – just some stuff I am afraid will identify me or I don’t feel this is the place to write about it . I still hold fear about writing about my marriage for example, and when I do I get responses like take the plank out of my own eye . It is unhelpful to feel unheard or for people to impose their own views on my situation. In truth I sometimes feel quite domineered.

The part of recovery I struggle with most is honesty . I am kinda hoping things will be ok and I can obliterate the past number of years from my memory and never talk about it again. I hope I change as my recovery progresses . I hope I can face telling the truth to the people I should be able to trust with it – not quite sure who they are at the moment .

Maybe I am in real recovery now because my recent posts are as honest as I have ever been .
Day 16 today – half way through the month .

I know I will not gamble today .