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All the good work I thought I was doing is lost in one day. It was the worst Saturday and night since long time. I’ve been put down by him to the ground with his verbal abuses, mess and behaviour. I don’t think I can take this anymore. All of it just for£20. I was trying to be strong and not give him and instead I ended up heart broken, hopeless and hard to say but I’m with the feeling that if I die today it would be much better. I feel so sad. I am so much fed up of this life, of living like this. Today I ended up giving him that stupid money. He wouldn’t take our kids to their fund raiser when they attend to play sport activity. I hate weekends, I hate my shopping day. I hate the days when he knows I got money or i will go and get some to go town. I don’t even feel like to write what he was doing. All I know my house looked like a skip. From emptying bin bags on kitchen floor, mixing all herbs and spices, breaking my new two pairs of shoes, breaking wall upstairs passage, emptying tool box with all screws on the floor, emptying about five bottles of water on our bed and my little ones cot, cutting all my paper work and cards, hiding kettle and stuff. And the list would go on.. Gosh, how does it sound? Am I living with a mad man? So many insults, so many heart breaking words. Why don’t they realise what they doing, he said in the end it’s not about that 20 anymore but that I stopped listening and not giving him. That made him even more angry he said. When I started telling kids dad made mess cuz he wants money, he started saying mum is a prostitute so I left the subject cuz didn’t want my kids listen to that language. For words game I will never win with him cuz he’s got a big mouth at home. To be honest I don’t know if I can win with anything with him. If only I had money, place to go and documents I would run away from here.that’s how I feel at the moment. He would say stop feeling sorry for yourself. stop looking for sympathy. And I’m that dumb that I nearly believe he’s right.