Today was my last day at work before the Christmas break, and we had some drinks at work, then went to a pub for another drink. This pub had a few slot machines which I saw but didn’t use. However they got the idea into my head that I could go somewhere else after I left my workmates and “just gamble a little bit”.
After I left my workmates, I walked into another pub by myself, walked past some people betting on racing and into the area where the slot machines were. I was debating myself the whole time, did I really want to do this? maybe it could be my last gamble for the year? Telling myself I would only spend a set amount and no more etc…
It was busy, and the area was small and cramped. I saw people who didn’t look happy, just a bit sad and desperate. I looked at both of the two slot machines that were available…I stood and looked at them. I knew that even if I won (even though it was more likely that I would lose) that there would be no joy in it. I then walked straight out again. Today, I am still gamble free.
As I walked out, I thought about what had changed. For one thing I am going to GA meetings, and I didn’t want to have to go back and admit that I had gambled. For another thing, I am counting the days I am GF and I didn’t want to lose my progress and start again. I think the most important reason that I walked out without gambling though, was because now that I have admitted to myself and others that I am a compulsive gambler, that it is a problem for me, it has stopped being a secret, and it has lost some of it’s power to be something I do for comfort or distraction or pleasure.
When I was thinking about gambling on the way there, I was thinking about how I used to feel when gambling and the pleasure I got from winning free games or features. But when I got there, looked at the machines, looked at the people who were in there…I only felt sadness. I realised that I have accepted the money I’ve lost is gone, and any attempts to win it back will just result in more money lost. I know I have to earn my money through hard work and patience.
I’ve never been so glad to walk away from slot machines. I like my life GF. I think part of what made me consider gambling was that I had been drinking a bit, and also because I saw the slot machines in the first pub. I need to reconsider my strategies for staying gamble free. To be honest I did not think that the first pub we went to would have machines so I was surprised by them being there. It reminded me that I need to stay vigilant against the compulsive gambling thoughts, because they sneak their way into my head.
For today, I am very glad to still be gamble free. Every day I make the choice to be gamble free is a win.