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So yesterday was not a good day for my strength in breaking my own cycle. I am really angry at myself for giving in to the manipulation and yesterday afternoon I did. Not terribly but enough to make me realise that the words used are still having this panic affect on me.

Some of the funds were for him to sort himself out with a haircut and things and some was because he was just begging. It really frustrates me how I can be so strong willed one day with him and the next be so weak and tired and just give in. Is this common?

Because of this, I have taken steps to protect myself and him by moving all my accessible non necessary cash to fixed notice accounts and savings accounts held away from my main bank. Realising I am part of the problem is a massive step and I know if the choice is taken away from me and I leave myself with actually what I need to live on and put things in places I can’t see it easily access it will stop me enabling him completely rather than strength one day, weak the next and then feeling awful because I know it just prolongs everything. It makes the NO a lot easier to say and the conversation shorter. I shouldn’t have to do this but it is where I find myself and I am pleased I’ve done it – putting the money in there will absolutely not be an issue for me and keeping it in there won’t even be a conversation!

He is aware I have done this too. I feel good about it – also that my savings will now be respected (by me for my own spending habits too- so it’s a good decision for a few reasons!) … I never have given him cash I need and I would Nineveh either, it has always been savings I don’t need in the short term. Total lack of respect for myself and my hard work.

This was a habit I developed when I didn’t know the strength of this addiction. At first he asked to borrow money because of a tax bill issue – naively I believed him. That is where this started. Then guilt tripping, using it as a reason not to see me so I gave in, it’s incredibly hard no to think he might be using me when I start to really analyse what’s been going on. However there have been times with no gambling and he stayed with me so I don’t think he is using me, I think his addiction is.

I hope this all makes sense?

Thank you Velvet, I look forward to speaking to you too. You are a great help x