Thanks very much nomore, jenny and as always velvet. It really helps to get other peoples views. Its so good to be able to come somewhere and be honest and not feel shame. I have felt embarrassed and shame over many years for many things I have done or reacted to. This helps me gain more perspective and not feel so alone. Its a very difficult process. I have underestimated the addiction for so long and I think I realise I want things to change but struggle and its slow. I do feel I’m getting a bit stronger sometimes although I make many mistakes .
My CG has messed our daughter about this weekend. He arranged to see her at one. I had a text saying it would be half one. He does work on Saturday. By three he hadnt showed. I didn’t chase him made alternative arrangements for me and my daughter to meet family at a local fete and go for a meal. He then turned up about 3.30. I was angry at his complete lack at consideration tried to control it but the atmosphere was very tense and he saw our daughter for about 10 mins as I said we were going out. She could pick up on the atmosphere and was a bit upset. I told him not to turn up for 10 mins as it upset her. He did apologise then several times and it was left OK (although I was internally raging). He asked if he could see her today. I agreed in the afternoon as we had plans this morning.
He hadnt’ showed at the agreed time and I couldn’t help myself but ring a few times and then message just asking if he was still seeing our daughter? Luckily he didnt answer the phone and his response was to ‘to do my own thing’. I replied OK and we did. We have had a busy weekend and my daughter is happy!
I now have received a message saying
‘ he cannot afford the holiday or cover his DDS (one of which is maintenance to me) he is overdrawn and has no money. Maybe I should make alternative arrangements’
He gets paid monthly and was paid on friday. The holiday and making alternative arrangements is no big thing to me as I had already paid it but he doesnt know that. I am financially independent so his lack of maintenance isn’t devastating for me. Oddly he is proud of his daughter and its important to him to contribute financially when he is more controlled with his gambling. For example if I tell him I have got something for her (she starts school in September so I have bought uniform) he asks how much and will give me the money).( It is not my intention to get money off him for things its just as part of the conversation about and she likes to show him things . i wonder if he thinks its about money? ,- who knows). He has obviously thought about what to put as his message is quite coherent. It is not the ranting of someone who has just blown all their money. There is no apology as its all about him.
Ihaven’t responded yet and am not quite sure how to. I am thinking I could use this as an apportunity to suggest he gets support for his gambling. ? He is obviously at one of his lows but he has hit lows many times before. I have had messages in the past saying he couldn’t afford holidays. I think in the past I ,helped out, by lending money to overcome the latest crisis. I have a feeling if I respond I might be ignored unless its with the offer of some money ( I will not be doing that. I am certain of my boundary there!)
I would be grateful for any advice.
Thanks v much