It’s hard to hear what you’ve been dealing with every day, but it sounds like you are more aware now. I understand that calmness you’re feeling. When I first felt that way after refusing to enable (at a time I would previously have been frantic and anxious and felt I had no choice but to enable), I remember thinking “I think I’m finally getting it!”. It didn’t change the outcome of whatever the situation was, but it was so cathartic to change the way I reacted.
No matter what else, you have done well on this my friend, and I know it was hard.
Allow me to repeat something Velvet said to recently ..
“Keep those two fingers held high to the addiction; you are standing shoulder to shoulder with your son when you do it, not against him.”