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Hi Velvet and all. Sorry to have been away. Been busy with birthdays (mine and my youngest), sports, halloween and the like – good busy –
But still the gnawing of that **feeling** feeling of what is really real and what isn’t. My Cg and I went out for dinner for my bday last nite and it is so hard to “be happy” with him. I feel like I am always looking for the untruths or reasons why I can’t trust him. He says he hasn’t gambled in 90 days – how do I know if this is true? He says his therapist says he is not a CG but more a compulsive liar..great..either way is bad for me. We don’t sleep in the same bed anymore which makes me feel sad. Without going into detail, part of his sex addiction was trying to do inappropriate things to me while I was asleep without my consent – sick, I know. Hence the separate beds. But when he is awake and with me he is this sweet, kind generous man – when we are alone at night in bed he turned into this monster – He said he did it to get back at me for things he was mad about and couldn’t talk to me about. It happened repeatedly despite his pleadings that he wouldn’t do it anymore…. SO, if he has lied so long about this, I have no way of knowing if he still lies about gambling or anything else. …..I hope this was not too off topic, but needed to put it out there to help people understand all I am dealing with. It is the trust – how can I trust he’s not gaming? How can I trust he won’t attack me in my sleep?? Once he leaves the house I honestly have no idea where he goes, what he does and I don’t believe anything he says. How can I give my heart back to a man I don’t trust?? How can I ever trust him again?? Will I ever be able to trust him again??
I want to move on, I want to trust, I WANT it to be better. But I don’t know how?? Any ideas???
Sorry to make this quick (Ill write more later) – didn’t want you to think I disappeared..Off to gym before I get kids…
Pray for me ..Im not sure what else is left..
Love to you all