Today is day 6 and it feels so GOOD! I have been relapsing for the past two months. The past couple of weeks I was choosing to be consumed by the need to win. I know I could have stopped but didn’t want to and that really scared me, but it didn’t stop me. Last Thursday when I was gambling and losing yet again, I was beginning to lose the desire to cg. And even though I was losing at the pokies, I actually left with some money, which doesn’t normally happen to a cg. As we all know its all or nothing! The next day I was thinking about how hard life has been and how I have a desire to make things better. And I thought about how much of a rut my life has been not only because of cg but other issues. And I realised that I was actually destroying my life by cg. It just hit me and I got the revelation that I was part of the demise of my downfall. In that moment, it was like a switch inside my head turned off & the desire to cg was no more. I am already feeling powerful, happy and very light. That revelation has led to a lot of shame and guilt actually disappearing. I woke up and saw that I was working myself to the bone because of the guilt of my finances. One could see it as me working hard to get on top of finances but I have been working hard/long hours to punish myself for my foolish mistakes. And It was no longer time for punishment but time for redemption and redeeming my own self image.
So now if I want to leave my job tomorrow I can do that without fear. Because cg no longer cripples me, life’s a journey but with every journey you need to take risks. And I remembered I am a risk taker, obviously been taking bad risks, but now its time to take good ones. To gamble on LIFE and not gamble for life 🙂
