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Told you that life wasn’t a bed of roses at the minute.
My mother went in to hospital for a knee replacement yesterday; she is now being moved to the high dependency unit because her blood pressure has dropped and she’s also had to have two blood transfusions through the night. The thing is they have no beds in HDU so she is being monitored back in the recovery room. I explained to the nurse that I was just about to get in a lorry and wouldn’t be able to drive if I thought my mother were in a precarious position, or that she might take a step backwards, but the nurse was very good at re-assuring me that there was no need for me to rush home, but she would definitely be going to HDU before going back on a ward. I think my mother will be very unsettled on the HDU, as that’s where my dad died, especially if she comes round and sees me there, she might think that the hospital sent for me. So I am not going to rush up there, and hopefully there’ll be better news later on. I’ve asked the advice of three people and they all agree that it’s best not to go. I’m meant to be going away for four days next week, but might cancel it, well postpone it, and go to my mother’s instead.

It’s pretty sick to think that in the past this situation would have me running to the nearest bookies so as I didn’t have to deal with it. It’s not a nice situation to be in, but gambling and all it involves would be an even worse scenario. I havn’t chosen to be in this situation, I would have to choose to go gambling. And that’s something that doesn’t cross my mind now. I’m pleased to say.

It was seldom a conscious choice to gambling, I’d just go on automatic pilot, I’m really shocked when I think of the lengths I would go to, just to gamble, some things completely sick. Like the night I stole some money from the house I sneaked out the house, my mother saw me and chased me across a dark gravel car park in her nighty and dressing gown, tripped and fell face down, and I just left her lying there, and ran to the taxi office and got a taxi to the casino. Or the time a middle aged school teacher gave me a room when I was in my early twenties and one day when she was at work I ransacked the place stole her jewellery, cash and credit cards. The list is endless, a lot of you know about the sick way I extorted thousands from my parents and don’t wish to expand on that anymore. But I think it is important to emphasise to myself time and time again how sick I behave when at my worst with gambling. Stopping gambling is not about will power, whatever you think we all have tons of will power, we must have to go the lengths we would go to get a bet on. I know for me that stopping gambling has been a lot about growing up, as harsh as it sounds.

I think that once we know beyond doubt and we unquestionably accept that we are compulsive gamblers then gambling should be the last thing we ever consider doing. I think that sometimes I’ve used the excuse that I’m a compulsive gambler to justify a gambling spree. I say I’ve had to grow up because for years I’ve accepted I am a compulsive gambler, and for years on frequent occasions I’ve chosen to carry on gambling. Not a mature or rational thing to do, more like a spiteful childish action. Of course I knew it was wrong, I still didn’t carefully consider the consequences. It’s a very real consequence that I could end up in prison should I ever gamble again. That alone, nor the effect it would have on my mother or family, would not have been a good enough reason not to go gambling, if I was going to go, I was going to go. Selfish. ignorant. Arrogant. childish.

Different times I’m pleased to say.

Since starting this post I’ve rang the hospital and they are now hoping to send my mam directly back to the orthopaedic ward, so that’s a huge relief.

Thankfully I’ve got a very supportive friend who I was able to talk to last night and this morning, and having people to talk to is something that I think is necessary for us all in order to lead a life with some stability. Having yourself consumed by any tough situation, is when you’re more likely to let your guard down, because you’re not thinking straight. CGs aren’t the best of copers. I accept I’ll always be a CG, but I also accept I don’t gamble anymore nor is there ever going be a time or situation where gambling could help me cope.

Gambling is not for compulsive gamblers! Talking, I think, is a must. (Of course my own opinion).

Easier said than done? Of course it is, it is when you’re still gambling or abstaining. But why is it hard to stop? It really shouldn’t be. Should it?

Anyway great relief for me where my mothers concerned. I’ve had work on phone to see if I’m definitely at work tomorrow and I’ve said I will be. Its a long distance run too, wish it were a local one but cant ask too many favours.