Been so long since I posted, I miss the community but I have found so much comfort in my Gam-Anon family I haven’t been compelled to post unfortunately. I need to work to give back to the community here also!
I’ve been feeling very frustrated with my CG and myself as of late. I’m frustrated in general because of our lack of communication over his struggles with his gambling problem for one. He is not big on communicating his issues to me and I find that just being there to listen when he is having some sort of mental battle is my best role. I am not enabling nor trying to change but simply lending an ear to listen and it worked well for both of us (I think) for a while. But not so much anymore, we don’t talk about much lately. And besides him not being forthcoming, I am also not very good at asking either. I can definitely feel and see when he has some sort of struggle but in my desire not to be a nagging partner I often keep my mouth shut when I shouldn’t. This starts a vicious cycle that includes the lack of communication. His internalization. And my everlasting curiosity on his struggle. I have backed off in my desire to change for sure but I have not given up my desire for knowledge. I’m certain it is still a way I feel in control of the situation by knowing exactly what is going on in his life.
During this cycle, when he doesn’t talk to me, I go to find out the information on my own anyways. By snooping in a serious way. I want to know EVERYTHING and I certainly find it out but then I inevitably put myself between a rock and a hard place because I’ve got the information but the only way I could bring it up for conversation is by selling myself out. I don’t want to let him know how inappropriately I delve into his private time and finances but because he has not told me what he has been up to I have no other way to bring it up.
Through this cycle I struggle to find ways to communicate more effectively so I do not have to snoop and I also struggle with my desire to know everything.