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Back here to document my emotions/inklings.

No cravings/urges all weekend — no price action staring or urge to bet.

I finally opened up and did peak at prices though — and I’m reminded of something the urge to gamble does … namely create hesitation in the face of certainty and boldness in the face of uncertainty …

aka there is a generation of hesitation/remorse/holding back at certain outcomes where the risk is known and the reward is too (for example, going to work to earn money) … I feel I see this with my approach to my business with music and spirituality … instead of embracing certainty with actions that lead to results, there is a tendency to want to hang out … to feel shy and sheepish about jumping into action when I know the risk is contained and it’s safe to take action for results. Strange? Strange.

The very nature itself is to make numbers in my head (even when not betting or eve thinking about betting) feel like random swimming objects that are hard to grasp … that’s probably the effect of addictive behavior with numbers over the years …

Things are going great … but I did want to check in to write about this urge to hesitate on certainty … I think it’s just remnants of the pull to go back into randomness and uncertainty/turn this into a betting game again. Wanting to “slip back” into betting big … small/normal life risks don’t produce huge rushes and thrills/rush of chemicals to the brain … so hesitation/numbness and indifference to them seems more like old appetite in play.

It’s normal to fluidly go through normal life risks and embrace them though … that’s where I’ll steer my focus now.

… gambling has a way of talking to me like “hey wanna play again and have fun?” … every pore of my being is repulsed with it … it’s like a sociopath crazy killer asking if you want to dance.

No thanks