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Woops — typed this earlier and forgot to post.

Checking in again,

As I’m being faced with that craving/feeling of chase for risk again blended with fomo (fear of missing out). It’s that “act now or miss out” feeling always selling the idea of there will never be another chance … The back and forth movement becomes a gray static that numbs the senses where my initial clarity becomes numb. It’s a force of pushing “come on open up! Open! Become vulnerable to me” … it’s the voice of a bully in my head no doubt.

It also numbs the fact that acting now destroys/creates a true missing out of acting on something at another time. Acting when conditions are sure, when things are clear, when senses are clear and timing is best, this is the way.

The voice of cravings, the order to follow and chase prices and fortunes and to just risk more and more and more is the voice of a bully and the voice of evil. It reminds me of the parallel change happening in my life of washing out early childhood programming of being a passive controlled person to the voices of corrupt authority. Gambling, in all its ugliness, is a metaphorical biological spiritual embodiment of quite a corrupt “leader”/alter ego or whatever you want to call it. It could also be seen as the voice of a sociopathic kid that wants you to come play with him on his playground or give him attention.

Assertiveness in playing my own game on my ground is the winning ticket. I can feel it and I know it. No I don’t have to feel guilty or experience artificial anxiety/undermine myself in this.

Fuck off gambling, I’m playing my own game tonight.