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#49948
IRockVX
Participant

I feel a lot of inner confusion right now. .. My mind keeps wandering back to sunk cost/old losses. Thinking and feeling them i get hooked into struggling feelings and fighting what is invisible (the past) … Even though things are “ok” on another level my mind is too hooked into the past losses and gains and its driving me nuts …my feelings of resentment and spite and bitterness seem to feed it … gravitational pull to “hit back” …. i feel intense spite toward gambling and being someone stuck with this mess of a biology …

I want to get my mind out of this stuck rumination … where everything real feels fake and everything fake is shovinfg itself in my face as real. Im also troubled that the signals from my body which keep consistently telling me this isnt healthy are getting bent and distorted into positive visions … inyensely deceitful optimism that its okay to come back its okay to get vengeance and okay to keep playing the game … It feels like sociopathic optimism the voice and energy drivinf this. Just evil.

Grief resentment and frustration seem to be leading feelings getting bent into false optimism and false hope … false hope to save face or feel better about a tattered past …

Some deeper part needs to not only let go of past losses and spiteful engagement of ruminating revenge but those feelings also need to find a healthiet place of natural expression …

My voice feels silenced and I feel weak … I hate feeling weak … maybe im taking letting go of this unhealthy and unachievable vengeance. I hate feelings of weakness this past has left soaked in me … and the idea of making an image of it being better from revenge in the future is draining and delusional …

I feel like the emotion of hatred and frustration and disconnection get locked in a box with my past and bubbles and i lose insight on what is happening now …they leak out of the box into temptations to bet and glue my eyes to market prices … as if there is some kind of answer for injustice in there … there isnt.

It brings up deeper unsettling thoughts and feelings of deep darkness that happened before turning 18 that seemed to change my very physiology from a planner into a more sporadic improviser in the moment … i changed from certain things that happened from a non compulsive planner into someone more doing things on the fly … even before i ran into markets … environmental and physical changes to my brain …

Deep buried resentment from that change and intense things that happened … and an inner yearning for what was lost 11 years ago … impatience. Looping irritation and anger feeling disconnected … I feel like it is hard to connect outside myself from this place. Downward loop is feeling worth less because of having these feelings in the first place … its an emotional clump … memories of past loss > resentment and spite > feeling bad about having resentment and spite > vulnerability to vengeance moves toward markets > disconnect from others > irritation and impatience … feeding each other

So what would be a positive spiral out of that? Memories of getting out of bad situations > Memories of improved finances > Memories of where i am now in positive financial health > gratitude > Less feeling of need to change the past > enjoying what is happening now > looking toward the future with authentic optimism > feeling good about myself for being genuine and honest along my journey > connecting more.

Break up those negative clumping loops into positive spirals …

🙂