I want to sat that I appreciate both your responses. I feel so lost and alone. What REALLY hurts is the knowledge that “I didn’t do anything wrong” and yet, almost six years AFTER he filed for divorce, I can’t even get my feet back on solid ground (have you ever heard that victims are often revictimized? It seems true and it’s horrendous when it is “the system” – who is getting benefit of the gambling proceeds – doing the revictimizing!). My (ex) and his brother managed to even make profit while I struggle, month after month, just to get through. The other night, I was almost attacked and I know that for fact. I’ve been angry since, because NO i would not be out at night collecting cans, especially “on the wrong side of town” but other than committing crimes, I can’t think of any other ways to get some money that isn’t in danger of being confiscated. I’m angry at myself, for being human, rather than just being able to get cans forever until I have enough to get out of this mess. Then, on the few occasions that I have to catch up with “news” I read about the new casino and NOT A WORD about how family is affected … but the same council JUST outlawed all public smoking even in bars (BUT NOT CASINOS) because of the dangers TO OTHERS. I know it’s hypocrisy. And yes, I guess I think to myself that “I’m not the only one” but I sometimes can’t help but wonder where the others – affected like me – are. I know some are on here, posting, from all across the world. I just found an article that this state is in 50th (of 50) place for addressing CG. Sometimes I figure the pain and all else will be worth it if I can EVER get someone to listen. I don’t know what else to do??? As for taking care of myself, NO … I can’t. I don’t have the luxuries of time, peace of mind and money. It’s been about five years since I had a hair cut or been able to get glasses (and my old one are lost). Because I WAS (and am) “responsible” I don’t qualify for “help” and I should not be on disability; I mean that I should be able to get off it. But how, when I don’t have the space to figure out a way to get a decent job, unjeopardized by all the unnecessary financial devastation.
One of the things I found out (rediscovered) was that I was put through extensive batteries of intelligence and mental tests as a child; I was then sent to a school for gifted. That’s helped explain to me the “need” to figure out what’s going on. look for solutions and even fuels my need to find someone to help put this “out there”. I recognize that fraud IS a crime, and while I don’t ever expect to see any of my own assets again, it galls me that (ex)cg and his brother (indications he may also have problems) were able to commit fraud, assisted by the courts. I’m certain that my daughters, despite doing well, still have “baggage” that will need dealt with sometime. But for these two people to make a profit, criminally, while we have suffered the injustices … I can’t take that. I realize that I might not be able to do anything, but I can try, WHEN I can. I’ve taken to watching a lot of crime tv, when I’m stripping wires or whatever, to make income and I find parallels. I also get some courage and fortitude from learning that there ARE people who care and have resources to do what I can’t, from my position. And if ever I can just find one of those, it may be that could help all of us, including CGs because as I have read, the industry COULD NOT be profitable, without them … and of course, the assets that they pump into it, which are not their own. Not asking for help on that either, though if anyone wants to cheer on my efforts, that’d be great for morale!
Mostly, I don’t EVER want to be so bottled up that I make my daughters feel responsible for the problems that have come about through my exercising what I have seen as my duty as their parent, though I CAN honestly say that without children, I would never have gone back to an abusive partner, because that had ALWAYS been the end, previously. So if I come on here, I’m not thinking what to say in terms of looking for suggestions, because I see things are the same, though different degrees, in every country that has legalized gambling. I just can’t see, from the way my mind works, why “we” should be penalized and put under so many duties when we didn’t create the problems nor profit from them …. and no, I am not needing answers there. I already have that part pretty much figured out.
Yes, I was feeling ignored on one hand yet while realizing on the other that (here) it is holiday weekend, also that most other people have far more than their fair share to do. I figured I would just post anyway … and I did similar in therapy this week (and I only had fifteen minute session as I overslept) and just ranted … while realizing that it is ONLY because I am still l forced to “cope with” MORE THAN ONE PERSON can.