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I’ve been waiting almost 2 weeks since my most recent self exclusion from an online casino for my next counselling appointment. He does not yet know that I relapsed, that I lost all my remaining money. He does not know that I am sick with anxiety again and feeling a lot of self hate.

He also doesn’t know that I was able to find the courage to tell my 2 friends who knew about my big win last year that I have a problem and am getting professional help. I’ve begun to feel like I don’t know how I am again and it’s a desperate feeling.

Tomorrow can’t come soon enough. I look forward to owning up to what I have done so that I can begin to deal with the consequences once again.

Something else that’s causing me a HUGE amount of anxiety is something I would so very love some opinions on from here. I logged into my bank about 4 days ago as I was expecting small purchases to begin bouncing before pay day. And what I saw was a large deposit from the online casino I self excluded from at the start of the month. It’s almost the entire amount that I recently lost through them. But the problem is, I didn’t win it. I have no idea what’s going on, check my emails every hour in case they have emailed to realising they have paid the wrong person but nothing. Each time my phone rings I expect it to be my bank saying there has been a mistake.

I’m sure that’s coming. I feel sick. Part of me hopes that its my money refunded because they were linked with another casino I was excluded from as a problem gambler. But another part of me is terrified to have that money sitting in my account right there without knowing why.

Could I possibly have just received an absolute life line for my recent actions and desperation? I am sure it’s just a matter of time until they contact me as ask for it back. It’s cruel, brutal almost, as I work through this range of emotions and get even less sleep waiting for that phone call.

I don’t want this life anymore. I don’t want this desperation.