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#49930
IRockVX
Participant

Right now I’m making the decision to write about my cravings to trigger … something i’ve touched on before. I have cravings for the feeling of emptiness/feeling empty inside again … cravings for sadness emptiness and depression … it’s like an urge …

As I experiment and reflect with what I write about here, I’m suspect that this is simply indeed that form of residual emotional undercurrent that is a hardwired craving for its “homeostasis” … it is a craving to feel sad like an addiction … sadness and emptiness are the states that precede and fuel the necessity of gambling … so as I shut off the craving to gamble/be excited by gambling I feel the temptation to again spend my time and feelings invested in what makes me feel empty … isolation separation loss for words weak fragile spiraling etc.

My mind tends to loop itself back there — to that state I’m afraid of losing … ironic. Afraid of losing a state that leads to loss and is loss itself! Terribly ironic.

Along with it are feelings of embarrassment/humiliation … these feelings seem to be bubbling up as I stay away from spread bets that are gambles … that embarrassment almost has away of proclaiming itself as who I am … I feel in these moments that I am the embarrassment … which feeds sadness … feeling sad feels embarrassing which feeds it back … etc. the observation about negative emotions clumping together and feeding each other in a loop seems highly accurate … This particular loop seems to be embarrassment–> sadness –> guilt.

The embarrassment feels rooted in not having control over a present situation/things from the past … and there is no doubt a parallel in this and how I have felt when I gambled … like validating this feeling of embarrassment+no control … it’s like i feel ashamed about not having control over things I don’t have control over in the first place … and subconsciously step into situations and perspectives that feel like I don’t have any control … it’s a “pull” … to look through that lens and see my situation and life that way …

Perspectives and emotional states are addictions indeed … perhaps the addictions that precede or give most the power to physical addictions …

I’ll be writing more about my addictive emotional and perspective states as part of the liberation of their link to gambling itself.