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Day 104. Definitely tough to not think about loss. Tough not To be negative. To dwell on the urges, pains, and unhealthy thoughts. To just give in.

I used to invest heavily. I had the money to do so. I made about 15% in interest or so in 2015. As I’m doing my taxes My accountant asked what happened to my Roth IRA’s, stocks, and mutual funds. I didn’t expect the question for whatever reason, and it just hit me. I lost it all. I hadn’t told anyone besides family. “I, I, I moved the money” I replied. Sheasked why? You were doing so well. I had no real answer. Where did it go she said? I had no answer. To a normal person over $50,000 doesn’t just disappear in less than a year. Especially after you earn a healthy salary for 2016. She is baffled… I’m embarrest and feeling like an asshole.

Crap like this does trigger some horrible feelings. I think everyone gambling addict/compulsive gambler should get a life coach for a few sessions. I know they aren’t cheap. But think about how much money you lose gambling. A few hundred to help ourselves isn’t really that expensive. My life coach helped me understand that I was gambling because I was hurting about something that had happened earlier on in my teenage years. The feeling helped trigger me every moment of every day. I just buried it and thought I was past it but I really wasn’t. I struggle with it everyday. I knew it was there but never accepted it until my coach asked a good question and my answer puzzled me.

I choose to remain possitive no matter what happens to me. I have had to teach myself to walk three times in life. Not gambling might be considered a fourth. I screwed up bad. I hurt myself and people I love. I cheated myself out of happier years. I am okay with that. I have learned from it and choose for today to be a little bit better. I will listen to people, I will love myself, I will love my friends more. I will send three to five nice texts and calls to friends and family. I will keep being hopeful for a brighter future.